"IT GETS BETTER" PSA

MARLEO:

There are going to be individuals that we encounter in our lives that will predetermine the type of people that we are and immediately classify us has “just being gay”. It’s our job, by simply working together, with others who are different to showcase our true nature, our true talents, and our true characters to an ever growing realistic ignorance. Not one person on this planet has power over us and we should never allow any individual to make us think that we are nothing more than silly little gays…

CHAD:

We have embraced every walk of life… we are writers, we are artist, we are lawyers and businessmen, entrepreneurs and Average Joes. We span across the cultural and ethnic spectrums of humanity, and we have made strong strides in social accomplishments throughout our very own histories. We are those that dare to be different, we are those that dare to walk on a different side of life, and we are those that tend to be the bravest of the brave. Bravery of course, is an essential ingredient to the lifestyle that we live; and there are periods in our very own lives that bravery might be the only thing we have to hold on too.

MARLEO:

It’s clearly not a choice to be who we are… rather we are chosen to be everything that we are and it’s our duty to strive to be the best people with what we are given in life. We learn to become the best individuals by the experiences that we encounter through the course of our lives. It’s these experiences that teach us to grow and in return, it’s our responsibly to experience as much as possible throughout life. Dwell in the moment, cherish the experiences, both good and bad because these are the things that teach us to be the best of what we are. We sometimes might ask why it’s so important that we hold tightly to the things that we cherish and the experiences that we explore.

CHAD:

The answer to this is because those are the things that define us in our finest moments. There are going to be a large amount of dark days in each of our lives and it’s those enlightened moments that guide us through the impending darkness. I’ve come to a point in my own life to appreciate those days because they give more value to the days that are simply… well... good.

MARLEO:

So when you feel down and out… when you feel that you might not have any options

CHAD:

Just remember these three simple words…

MARLEO:

It gets better…

CHAD:

It gets better…


For more information about the Trevor Project or if you need help... please visit http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

BO PEEP'S WHORE

Little Bo Peep
Your mans’ a creep
Into a meadow, he did stray
He’s out and about
With a prostitute’s snout
Lying about where he stays
Little Bo Peep
Your man is deep
In a sort of queer, lustful way
He’s sneaking on out
Leaving your life in a drought
While he screws some boys in the hay
Little Bo Peep
Please watch your sheep
Before he takes your worth away
He’ll fill you with doubt
Until heartache does sprout
Cause I know all about his ways.

THOSE THAT STILL WALK WITH US

When I look back upon my life there are individuals that have indirectly influenced it’s course. Some of these individuals have influenced me in a negative way while others in a more positive light. I feel it’s important to me to mention one particular positive light because he is the reason why I care so much about HIV/AIDS education and prevention. He opened my eyes to an entire atmosphere that I had been blinded too. He was the first to open the door to a world that wasn’t so perfect and the true reality that there was human suffering taking place throughout our planet. This suffering was something that I really hadn’t noticed as a child and in all honesty it’s a suffering that no child should have to bare. This was the beginning of me putting aside childish things as I jumped head fist into the reality of our world. It’s difficult for me to talk about this person because his life isn’t just a personal memory for me but for my mother and grandmother as well. Gary Leon Robinson Jr. was born in this earth and he was taken away from us much to soon. Though even more than a decade after his death, his presence always remains with me as I continue on my own life‘s journey.
The one thing that sticks out in my mind about Uncle Jr. is his charisma. He instantly would light up a room when he entered into it and most everyone was drawn to his personality. He had a great smile and a very youthful look in his eyes that just drew everyone in. He could tell jokes and laugh at just about anything and he was always loving and caring towards his small band of nephews that included me. He never hesitated in doing anything that he wanted to do and would often take off to places like California simply because he had the courage to attempt living out his dreams.
I don’t remember when I knew Uncle Jr. liked other guys., it was something that I always seemed to be aware of but I do remember my mother telling me that some people were different and it was okay to be different. Uncle Jr. was different in every single great way and their was absolutely no apology for it. The one thing I always felt encouraged by was that he could do anything and that was something that I wanted to be able to do myself.
I was around eleven years old when I found out Uncle Jr. was sick. I remember having a memory when I was younger when my mother and grandmother got upset that I had taken a drink of soda after him and they checked my mouth for any open cuts or sores. They didn’t fully understand at that point how HIV was transmitted and it scared them that there was this unknown about the disease at the time. I also remember them telling me that I should never use his toothbrush but it wasn’t until I was eleven where I was told how and why my uncle was sick. He was HIV positive and he had managed to catch the virus by drug use.
After learning these things about my uncle I threw myself into learning more about what HIV/AIDS actually was and how the disease affected those that had it. This also lead to my learning of how bad the situation was in Africa and the consequences of so many people being infected with the spread of this disease. This lead me into learning more about Africa and especially on the genocide that took place in Rwanda leaving what is estimated to be a million people murdered. An entire population has been ravaged by this disease as it continues to spread, especially among third world countries throughout the African continent.
In my early twenties I took upon myself to join AIDSwalk which is a organization that raises money for HIV/AIDS prevention and education. I would serve as the local chairman of AIDSwalk for two years as I dedicated myself to the cause of awareness. So many people ignore the fact that HIV is in our own backyards and unfortunately it’s been my experience that most people don’t take action against a disease that is unseen.
Uncle Jr. passed away thirteen years ago and I can still hear his laugh. He came home from California one January night and he passed away the following April with both my grandmother and my mother in the room. His last few days he remained mostly unconscious but moments before he died he woke up and smiled at my mother which would be his last goodbye. I had gone back to work the day he died because I was told he was going to get better. I remember my baby brother walking into the store and I somehow knew what had happened when he came in to tell me the news that Uncle Jr. had passed away. We drove up to the hospital to pick up my mother and grandmother who were both devastated by his death. I remember my grandmother insisting that there had been a mistake, that he couldn’t be gone. She kept insisting that the doctor was wrong. My heart was broken for her, for my mother, for our family. For the first time in my life I felt that our family was broken and I knew it would never be the way it was before his death. A valued member of our family was gone and his void would always remain with us.
I give Uncle Jr. credit for opening a door to me that otherwise I’m not sure that I would be aware or care about. My dedication to AIDS awareness, prevention, and education.; my study of Africa, the Genocide in Rwanda, and gay culture came from my learning experience with Uncle Jr. He had an unknown influence upon me and the many people that he touched during his lifetime and I know, that I will wake up tomorrow morning, feeling certain, that he is still walking with me through all the journeys of my life.

THE STREETS THAT MEET ME

I am a sinful man, queer in a certain way
Sitting here wasted on God’s holy day
I am my mother’s son, intelligent and free
Yet chained to a father’s shame upon me.

I sometimes have the urge to eat my little cake
Knowing that these temptations are so fake
The hunger of sugar and sweet makes my knees weak
Shallow promise keeps my mind at it’s peak.

Weak ones casting their so-called power over me
Waking up lost is where I want to be
No pain, happiness, or joy; nothing is my need
I never bloomed, I am just a lost seed.

One day I stumbled upon the streets that meet me
Cheers! A toast lifted by my mom’s hot tea
Presenting a clear path, I knew I felt true love
It came to me by the wings of God’s dove.

I started to respect myself, living each day
It wasn’t to late to find my own way
Home is where I had to take my one lonely stand
The lord, my lion grabbed tight to my hand.

I can see again, I’m filled by God’s grace and light
And I will rise high with all of my might
I am a sinful man, queer in a certain way
Yet this man found much love to claim his day.

A LETTER SENT

Dear Marleo…

I love the fact that you came over to my apartment to hang out for the very first time and we spent hours singing and dancing to Mariah Carey. Who knew that one particular night would change both of our lives for the better.
I love the fact that when we were driving on our cross country road trip to Las Vegas, you looked up on a mountain in Colorado and discovered a log cabin. The fact that you said, “Oh My God! Look a house made of wood!” with all seriousness reminded me how a new born baby might look at the world. That moment was hilarious and special in so many ways.
I love the fact that on that same trip we pulled over the car and saw the most beautiful rainbow in the sky and we both appreciated the value of the moment. A few days later you wanted to punch me in the face because of my smart mouth and the fact that we blew the tire out of your car. Even when you were angry at me I still knew you cared about me.
I love the fact that when we were in some small town in Nevada, going through a drive thru at some backwoods fast food joint, out of the blue, you started speaking in Spanish and ordered our food with all the confidence that is inside of you.
I love the fact that we played confession at the kitchen table and Summer confessed that she broke into your apartment and had stolen your dog. The look on your face at that realization was both devastating and forgiving. I saw for the very first time that night how great your character is.
I love the fact that there have been so many times that we would pass out on the couch together and we were both comfortable enough to sleep together even when we were just friends.
I love the fact that we were both brave enough to drop everything without any thought and move to San Antonio for nine days, it showed that we both still had plenty of youth inside of us.
I love the fact that when we were fighting in San Antonio and I was so angry with you, all I wanted was to stay away from you. So I found all the change I could to go see a movie and you had the balls to ask if you could come with me. I relented, only because secretly, I couldn’t stand not being there without you; and you embraced my evil glares as we stood in line at the theatre.
I love the fact that as we stood in front of The Alamo, you allowed me to read William Travis’ letter to Sam Houston out loud. As tears began to flow at his words, “I shall never surrender or retreat.” You placed your hand on my shoulder in a solitary fashion that truly touched my heart.
I love the fact that you planned one of the best birthday parties ever! Who knew that You, Gene, and I would perform Mariah Carey for Crystal and Chris as we enjoyed our cocktails!
I love the fact that you have kissed me like no other person. Our very first kiss sent electricity throughout my body and I can still feel the nervousness and excitement of our first night being together. I was so nervous but it was so natural. It’s thrilling that you are still able to send these vibes through me!
I love the fact that you’re able to come to me when ever you’re face with a problem or situation and you needed another person’s advice. I have always tried to be partial whenever you asked me for relationship advice even when I flat out thought every guy you would date was a complete dweeb!
I love the fact that you thought all my boyfriends were idiots… oh how right you were!
I love the fact that you threw frozen fish patties at me in the shower when I “accidentally” tried to kill you by cooking fish. I totally forgot that you were allergic… I swear!
I love the fact that for one moment many years ago, I approached you and for an instant you showed your vulnerability by dropping your towel that was wrapped around your waist.
I love the fact that you have stirred every possible emotion out of me and you’re the one person that makes me want to feel every moment that life presents to me.
I love the fact that you have a relationship with God and you treat your mother with the utmost respect. It’s your relationship with these two individuals that gives confidence to what we have with each other.
I love the fact that you can sit and listen to my grandmother at the kitchen table and value every word that comes out of her mouth. I can feel your love for me when this happens.
I love the fact that you have opened a connection between my brother and I. You have become a sort of diplomat that has improved my relationship with my brother greatly over this past year.
I love the fact that we secretly met in a park so we could have a simple lunch together without anybody knowing!
I love the fact that every once in a while you will pick up a book and glance through it knowing that reading is something I love to do.
I love the fact that when I wanted to move out of my apartment, you asked me if I wanted to move in with you and that every time we have lived apart we still end up back together.
I love the fact that my family loves you. They simply adore you and it makes me so very happy that you have embraced them. Thank you for allowing me into your family as well and allowing me to love them.
I love the fact that our Sunday afternoons are generally lazy and full of “do nothings”. It’s a wonderful feeling to have time set aside where you don’t have to worry about anything and you have someone you love so very much there with you.
I love the fact that I got to write this letter to you. It brought back so many memories and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. I feel that anything is possible when we face it together and I know we are going to have a very bright and productive future. Than k you for loving me and for allowing me to love you and may God continue to send his blessings down upon us.

All My Love,
Chad

GIGOLO GLITTER

Think your so phat
With your cute dumb hat
Deluded You
Your lack of real youth
Prevents all that
Dumb mother fucker
Captured Sucker
Glitter and Sparkle
Sour and Tart
Like Apple Pucker
Lacking Respect
I truly suspect
My inner prick
Becoming a mess
A toy project
Puking out a lie
Just a bad guy
Stupid silly Me
Priorities!
Don’t know how to cry
A sense of charm
Does a lot of harm
Changing your faith
So easy a road
Leaving the Farm
All of this is Fake
Eating your cake
Suffer the child
Forgotten boy
Making your mistakes
So begins You
Silly Little Moe
Just Like a Hoe
Going down so low
American Gigolo

SKIPPING ROCKS IN THE MORNING

It is written in the Christian Bible that the Devil once approached Christ in an attempt to persuade Christ to choose a path that would have served only the self interest of the Lord. Christ had been weakened and was severely famished after walking through his wilderness for forty days. The Devil tried to persuade Him that Christ should think of only himself and that the rewards for these selfish thoughts would be great. He would not need to suffer the consequences of the action of humans that were bound to forsake Him. There was no need for Him to go hungry and He would still be given power upon the nations of the world if he took the advice presented by the Devil. Christ rebuked the Devil’s claims for His mindset was about the choices He made not only effected Him but His choices had consequences for every single person. He thought of society and how the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the One. (Luke: Chapter 4: The Temptation of Jesus)
This was the lesson taught today in service and I took the afternoon to reflect more on it. There is a realization in me that every choice we make doesn’t just concern us as individuals. Every individual choice has a consequences that sends a ripple effect outward from us. In the “Gospel of Choice” I talk about how I feel that each of us in connected. I am connected as much to a person in India as I am connected to my own mother. Therefore every decision I make in my own life might somehow manage to influence the complete stranger that is far more connected to me than I realize. So now is the time to start thinking how my own actions might help or damage those around me. I believe when a person starts thinking this way it gives them a sense of great responsibility and therefore are more likely to make the right decisions.
I think back to a time where my only desire was to feel numb and I would take whatever pill presented to me to keep the balance of numbness in my mind. I didn’t want to feel anything and I had no desire to allow any type of emotions to stir inside of me. It was during this time that I would have random sex with anyone I might come across. Love was something that was thrown to the side as lust was a safer bet that I wouldn’t get hurt. I enjoyed doing this and I thought only how my own desires needed to be fulfilled. I didn’t care about what other people thought of my actions because I was only concerned with my own dick. I became a person that thought if people treated me as nothing more than a plaything then I might as well do the same thing to all of them. This choice was a result from another person’s choice… a complete stranger that made the decision to take love out of their sexual encounters and treat sex like a contact sport. I now understand that the person who treated me like a simple toy and lacked whatever respect for me did so because at some point someone had done the same thing to them. So to avoid getting hurt again they decided to adapt to those that had hurt them already so they would not feel the pain of rejection and the result of those decisions eventually trickled down to me. I might never fully understand the consequences of my actions upon other people but I do have a sense that there was a ripple effect on the people in my life that I care about and God only knows how it affected those that I don‘t personally know yet still deeply connected too.
Breaking this cycle is tough and it takes so much to start changing our own actions however I truly believe it’s in human nature to constantly improve and better ourselves. That desire to do so is never lost; it might be buried deep down underneath the hopelessness that we begin to collect over the course of our youth but it is never lost. I also believe in order to break any negative cycles in any person’s life it must be approached with small steps. It takes consistency to break bad habits and making small goals to change big cycles will build that consistency. I think if each of us begin to start thinking from the perspective that are choices, decisions, and actions affect those around us we will begin to make better and healthier choices that are build on the foundations of responsibility. The result to this will be a society that is that much better than what is has been before.
I also realize that my good choices have also had a ripple affect. When I made the decision to start caring and loving my mind and body by eating right, working out, and expanding my mind in knowledge and experience; I then saw other people that began to take notice of my choices and that influences their own decision making. I made these choices not just for myself but for those around me. Our own personal decisions really do start spreading out from us and that can be a great and powerful experience. When we start respecting and honoring ourselves and start leading my example then that message spreads and we will start seeing a society built out of respect and love based on choices that are made while thinking of each other as a whole. Imagine a world where some one had made a positive choice that persuaded Adolf Hitler to start caring how his own choices affected those around him. Imagine what we would be like if that one person who had the ability to influence Hitler had done so in a positive light instead of making choices that influenced decisions that eventually lead to the murder of millions of people. Imagine what greatness we still could have seen from people like John Lennon if positive choices and decisions had influenced his would be killer. It is in our history from the events that took place around the life of Christ to the events that are taking place today that we must learn to cherish and value every choice we make because those choices, in turn, leads to a better understanding and respect for humanity as a whole.

AND THEN THERE'S LOVE

And though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels,
But have not loved, I am but a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysterious
And all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could move mountains
But have not loved, I am nothing.
And though I give away all of my possessions and I hand over my body so that I may boast,
But have not loved, it profits me nothing.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love does not envy.
Love is not boastful, arrogant, or rude.
Love does not insist on it’s own way.
Love is not irritable.
Love is not resentful.
Love does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.
Love will never fail.

But as for prophecies, they will cease.
As for tongues, they will come to an end.
As for knowledge, it will vanish away.

For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part.
But when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end.
When I was a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became an adult, I put away childish ways.
For now we see in the mirror, dimly, but then face to face.
Now I know only in part, then I will know fully even as I have been fully known.
And now always abide by these three things…
Faith, Hope, and Love
But the greatest of these will always be Love.

I Corinthians: 13

This verse as always been very important because love is what connects us all together. It’s so important that we love one another, we respect one another, and we cherish one another because without this connection to each other we are nothing. Love comes to each of us in surprising and unexpected ways and sometimes we don’t see it clearly and we hesitate to embrace it. Throughout everything that I have experience in my own life I have always strived to embrace love in all it’s forms. I truly believe that it’s the one gift given to us by God to weather every storm that may approach us. There are moments in our lives when we somehow manage to take some very dark paths. These are the times when love is the one and only thing that we possess to light our own way.

I have not always followed the path of virtue but it’s a path that I proudly own and my hope is that others will learn from my own experiences. Each lesson that is taught truly does have a ripple effect that can spread throughout our society making it better than ever before. This is the best part of human nature and human compassion. I truly believe that we do not make mistakes in our lives but we rather experience lessons. Quite often we experience very hard lessons that can be brought upon ourselves but we should always claim them as our own. Each lesson makes us a better person, each lesson gives us the drive to become that better being, and each lesson gives us a deeper respect for the concept of love. It’s these lessons that bring us closer to ourselves and closer to love. So I urge everyone to embrace who they are and use your own experiences, both right and wrong, to become more than you ever expected and always remember…

Let love guide your way.

THE ERECTION OF UNCLE SAM

Two days after the Circus Clown had left I heard from mutual friends that he was dating someone else and had very easily adapted to being single once again. This frustrated me a bit due to the feeling that he felt nothing or little about our relationship but at the same time it wasn’t totally unexpected coming from the type of person the clown was. I on the other hand began a period of remorse and reflection on our relationship that really brought me into a state of depression. October quickly turned to November and then December came and I was still in a state of morning. I was a complete zombie through these many weeks and I didn’t feel much of anything inside of me. I would go to work then go to class and come home and watch television. My time with my friends was very limited as I refuse to face the reality that I could be an individual once again.
A couple of weeks before Christmas an old friend of mine wanted to spend the weekend up at my place. She had recently started dating a girl and wanted to introduce her to me. We had had this planned for sometime now and a couple of days before my friend was suppose to come she called me to let me know that she didn’t think she was going to make it. Her new girlfriend’s X boyfriend was on leave from the Army and was staying with them. He was adjusting to the fact that his ex was dating another woman but they had remained friendly even after their breakup. I told my friend that he was welcomed to come along and that I had plenty of room for all of them. We could rent movies, hang out and drink. So a couple of days later the threesome arrived at my place for some weekend fun.
I had really been looking forward to my friend’s visit because I felt that I was disconnecting from people recently and I was attempting to reestablish my connections. I was in the midst of another depressive episode when they arrived and I found that they greatly enhanced my mood. My friend introduced me to her new girlfriend and then they both introduced me to their companion, The Army Boi. He had been serving overseas and was back for a ten day leave visiting his family and friends. I shook his hand and told him I was glad he could spend the weekend with us. He had a great smile and hick type sense of humor. I also noticed that he had a nice bubble butt, a butt so nice that I had to force myself not to look at it, so I wouldn’t make him feel uncomfortable. He talked a lot about guy stuff and was proud of his time in the army. I made it a point to make sure he was comfortable during his stay since he didn’t have much experience being around different types of people.
The four of us talked for the longest time, catching up on old times and telling new stories of events that had happened since the last time my friend and I had seen each other. We then started drinking and watching films as the lesbian couple sat and cuddled on the sofa and The Army Boi and I sat on the couch with a couple of extra feet between us. As the night worn on the couple decided that they were ready for bed and I sent them towards my bedroom. I told them they could sleep in there while the Army Boi and I took the couches. So they retreated and the Army Boi and I continued drinking and talking about our lives. I told him of my recent disaster of a relationship and he told me about the many girls he had gone through. The next couple of hours was a bit of a “guys night out” for us.
At some point in the night we started talking about sex and he asked me what it was like to be gay. I told him I thought of myself as bisexual only because their were some women I was attracted too and I had been with a couple of women since I had come out. He then asked me how kissing a guy was different from kissing a woman and I told him it was basically the same just perhaps a little rougher. We both laughed and then we somehow manage to start talking about his penis. Joking about the size of his manhood and things of that nature. I don’t quite remember how it came to this point but for some reason he had to show me his dick to prove some long forgotten point. He unzipped his jeans and took out his dick as I reached my hand over to touch it.
I started jacking the Army Boi off as our eyes stared at each other. He instantly started to moan as he took his hand and grabbed the side of my face nudging me towards his own. Our lips met as we aggressively started kissing and grabbing onto each other forcing our lips even harder upon each other. I ripped at his jeans pulling them off as fast as I could and he ripped at my clothes as they fell completely off of us. I guided us to the floor where we got down on our knees and began touching each other all over our exposed bodies. I leaned him down on his back as we began fucking several times throughout the night. The morning light was beginning to show when we eventually fell asleep, holding each other tightly in our arms and for the first time that night I didn’t dream about the horrors of the Circus Clown.
The next morning I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. The Army Boi and I were still holding tightly to each other and we both were nude underneath the blanket that covered us. I knew my friend was coming down and I wasn’t sure if I should get up and run or just keep still and let things flow. I chose the latter and within moments I could hear a whispered “oh my God.” and immediately she went back up the stairs to grab her companion. The Army Boi was also awake and he smiled as he heard the gossip of the couple upstairs. We both put our heads underneath the covers as the girls came running down the stairs to investigate what was going on between us.
“There is no way that they are naked underneath there” I heard one say while the other begged to “check and see, check and see!” I felt the covers begin to lift at our feet as both girls screamed at the realization of the events that had taken place between the Army Boi and I. “OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!” were the only words that my friend could spit out of her mouth while Army Boi and I began to laugh. We lifted ourselves out from underneath the blanket as we explained the events that had taken place between us as both girls looked on in astonishment. It was soon joked about that I was able to convert any “straight” guy but realistically not even I have that kind of power.
Throughout the rest of the weekend the Army Boi and I continued are little serenade leaving behind all of our troubles from our “real” life but when Sunday came, our little fantasy life also came to an end. He gave me his sweatshirt as a memento of the occasion as my friends piled up in their car to leave. I stood in the driveway as they began to pull out into the street and begin their journey home. I waved goodbye, smiling at the Army Boi, knowing in that moment that I would never see him again. That within itself was okay. I will always be grateful to the Army Boi because he showed me that I would be able to feel things again and that one day I would be happy. I didn’t need anybody to define me ; I would always be my own individual, and yes, there would be times ahead that I would stumble and even take a few steps back, but I knew I would eventually get to that place where I needed to be.

THE CIRCUS CLOWN: PART 2

The price of being horny and thinking only with your dick creates consequences that do send ripple affects throughout your lifetime. Who knew that one simple fuck would be heavy chains laid upon me for so long. I simply wanted to have sex with this guy and I brought him home to do that. I wanted to feel that release and then the next morning we would both go our separate ways. This Circus Clown was a sly mother fucker however and he somehow managed to rope me in for the most part over the next few years. He didn’t go home the next morning at all as he seemed to just dwell day in and day out in the confounds of my life.
I ignored the warning signs and there were many warning signs! Most of my friends didn’t like him and most of them thought he was self centered. I even thought he was self centered but I also thought his good qualities outweighed his bad ones. The few friends that were attracted to him were captured by his charisma and charm. He had a good nature feeling about him along with a welcoming smile and face. Excellent traits for a predator on the hunt! Those that were won over by him eventually saw him for who he really was and they warned me about what really lied beneath the clown’s makeup. My response to them was that I knew him more than most and I understood him more than most.
My response from my family was “what the hell…” Most of them saw him for an attention grabbing whore and the needs of the clown outweighed the needs of the many. The biggest issue that my family had against the clown was the amount of time he demanded from me. We would both attend holidays with both of our families but I found that over a period of time our visits to my family became less and less as more attention was focused on his family. During Christmas, we would spend a couple of hours, at the most, visiting my parents house as the rest of the day was devoted to his family. His family had a very different take on the type of person that I was… a couple of them embraced me while others treated me like a thorn. There were many times that some of his family members would make me feel very uncomfortable. Even though my family didn’t understand why I was with the Circus Clown at least they welcomed him into their home and treated them with respect. I can see how the Circus Clown was molded as a child to grow up into this class act. Through all of this I began to realize that there was absolutely no balance in this very unbalanced relationship.
For the most part, the Circus Clown didn’t work throughout our relationship and the financial burden of living feel on my shoulders. I found myself in arguments over this topic several times over the course of our relationship and at some point I just became to tired to fight on the same old topic day in and day out. To add insult to injury, the Circus Clown was dirty. Dishes were rarely done and the lack of housecleaning began to build up over time. I was working a fulltime job and would always be taking a couple of college classes during our time together and rarely would he find time throughout his day to keep our home clean. Dirty dishes would be left on the floor, he would get the desire to paint and leave all of his materials spread out on the floor for days if not weeks at a time. The trash would always be in a state of overflow that would generally spread throughout the kitchen floor. I would come home to this and see that this house represented the state of my life. Our house and my life were slowly falling apart.
There was a clear lack of respect in our relationship and especially for me. If any part of my life intruded on his plans then a fight would ensue. There was absolutely no compromise when it came to his ideology on how our night was going to go compared to how I wanted things to go. If I wanted to stay in and watch a movie on a Tuesday night and he wanted to go out with friends then we would fight until he got his way even though he knew I would have to work in the morning. I would then want to be back home by eleven only for it to get pushed till two. I eventually became the fool who allowed him to have his own way all the time without any regard to myself. I worked a Monday through Friday, seven to five job while the clown filled his days by hanging out with friends. He would bring home his audience throughout the night and several times we would have people showing up at our house in the early morning hours. The Circus Clown would entertain their every need all hours of the night while I laid in our bed unable to sleep from the music and clattering of the people downstairs. The stress that was brought by my lack of sleep only made our fights much worse.
That very first day when the Circus Clown didn’t go home after our little one night fuck, our relationship began to develop quite the poisonous atmosphere. As these poisons began to build up over a period of time it became harder for me to breath until one day everything exploded. The Circus Clown had called me at work and told me that he was spending the day cleaning the house, I recall that we had an argument the night before on how bad things were getting around the house and I wasn’t able to keep up with cleaning after him and his friends with my work schedule and classes. I got home that evening about eight o’clock and grabbed my books and work materials from the car. I walked into the house with my arms full to the Circus Clown screaming at the top of his lungs that I was walking on his still wet floor. I leaped to the staircase but the damage was already done. The clown went ballistic! All I heard from him was how I ruined his entire day and how he slaved to get our house clean. He just went on and on screaming while I put my things away up stairs. I came down to face him a few minutes later…
“Fuck You! I’m fucking done with you! I’m sick of your fucking mouth!” and with that I walked out the door and got into my car and drove off. I drove around town for about a hour to cool off and collect myself and when I got back the Circus Clown was packing a bag. He was going to stay with his family for a couple of days. We really didn’t say much of anything and he left and I went to bed. The next morning he called me at work and asked if it was okay if he came home to get his stuff, he was going to move back home. I told him I didn’t mean to indicate that he had to move out but he said he thought it was for the best. I didn’t argue his point because I knew he was right. I thought for a moment how it seemed that things were going to end quietly and I felt relief that it was finally coming to an end. How wrong I would be!
I got home that night and opened my front door to a disaster area. My house had been utterly rampaged. I had recently bought a 250 dollar cherry oak entertainment center for the living room and it was in 20 pieces all over the living room floor. Every cabinet in the kitchen was wide open and things were tossed around on the floor. Many of the rustic signs that I had collected were taken off the wall and scattered about. Every room in the house had been gone through, he took the things that were his and tossed things that were mine onto the floor. I started to cry… I couldn’t stop crying, it was the only thing left to do. I called Summer and asked her to come to the house and when she arrived she was in complete shock. She had befriended the Circus Clown and was one of the few who had been won over by his charisma and she couldn’t believe the disaster that he left our home in. We spent the next couple of hours picking up the pieces as I tried to determine how I was going to manage my life without the Circus Clown in it. I had lost my own identity and it was going to take all I had to find myself again.