PICKLES AND ORANGE JUICE

I could feel the vomit begin to push it's way out of my stomach and up my esophagus creating a pressure that would only be parallel to a violent eruption from the crater of Mt. St. Helen's. The pressure was growing and it was taking control in a massive grip that was squeezing the very essence of my body functions. I had to get to the toilet or a trash can at all cost. My options were quickly running out and the upcoming eruption from the crater of my mouth was bound to cause utter chaos and confusion unlike anything that I had seen before.
The room was in total darkness and I was unsure how long I had been asleep. The only thing that I did know at this point was that violent earthquakes had awoken me from my slumber and I was in a state of shock. I soon discovered that I was in extreme danger even though the room around me seemed to be in a quite peace. The epicenter of these quakes were not centered off the coast of Alaska or in the deep craters of the ocean but rather in my stomach. I knew instantly that this wasn't a good sign and that it takes only a small event to sometimes explode into massive chaos. Heck, history even shows us that one day out of the blue one person got shot and his death sent the entire world tumbling into war; but just like any blind fool who doesn't pay attention to history, I hoped and I prayed, that the earthquakes and the immediate danger pushing it's way up my throat would just go away and I could get back to sleep. My life would then go on has I originally planned without a hitch and everything would work out the way I wanted it too. Okay, let me state this little comment now. Do not plan your life out because every time you try to plan your life out, which is now something that I view has an act against nature, your life will totally go into another direction. Your life will take a total different path and you will be knocked on your ass without so much as a clue to where your going. So anyway, I now laid there in my bed, in a room that was in total darkness for a few more minutes without taking any action. I will now be the first to tell you that if you don't take action first, then all hell will break out and you will ultimately pay for it in the end! I also must admit now that procrastination lies deep within me and it always seems to get me into a massive amounts of trouble no matter how many times I use it! I have never totally understood my relationship with procrastination because I have always paid well attention to it and dwelled within it but every time I give it something it always comes back and kicks me in the ass. Then to add insult to injury life comes flying at me and lunges at my jugular vein and leaves me with a gaping hole in my neck.
Anyway, has the tremors continued to escalate with high frequency in my stomach I began loosing hope that they would eventually just stop and my life would go on and be perfect. Suddenly deep in the process machines of my mind where cobwebs had covered most of the tiny print, a plan began to develop that would eventually lead to my salvation and everything in these last few moments of agony would come to an end and I would get through with this without anybody knowing and my life once again would go back to being perfect.
I started thinking about the layout of the room I was in. I knew I was on the bottom bunk of a bunk-bed and the floor below me was hard wood with no carpet. I knew that the door was open into the dark hallway and that the bathroom was only one door down on the left. The toilet had to be no more than five feet from the bathroom doorway and a total of 16 feet away from the position I was currently in. Jason, my best friend, was sleeping beside me which meant that I would have to scoot myself down to the end of the bed rather than getting out on the side of the bed. After I have accomplished this task, I would then scoot myself on the hardware floor until I reached the bathroom door, and then make a run for the toilet where I would make it just in time for the eruption to begin. I finally had my plan and I was going to make it work. I had to make it work!
I began scooting myself down to the bottom of the bed where my goal was to get my stomach laying flat on the hardwood floor. I knew there would be span of a few seconds that my stomach would not be pressed up against the mattress or pressed up against the floor but I had to take the chance even knowing that without pressure being applied to my stomach I would risk a early eruption. I kept telling myself that I could do it and it wasn't a big deal but the earthquakes were rattling my nerves and I was loosing faith in my body's ability to keep order to an appending Armageddon.
I was about five inches into the plan when my entire body went into utter stillness. I knew that if I made one move, I would lose this battle and I would be covered with organic fluid from the bowels of my stomach. My mind went backwards, searching for a reason why I was experiencing these pains. I knew if I could understand why I was in this position then perhaps I could figure out a way to get out of it. I thought back to a few hours before…
* * * * *
Jason's mom had just arrived from the grocery store and Jason and I came out of the bedroom to help put away the groceries. I usually spent a couple of days a week over at Jason's mostly because he was my best friend but I also wanted to escape the chaos that usually described my parent's relationship. My mom was always constantly at work and my step-dad was constantly working on cars. They hadn't been married for to long. Actually they had gotten married the day after my thirteenth birthday, which had been a few months prior and I still wasn't really sure who my step-dad was as a person. I knew he fought in Vietnam and I knew he suffered greatly for it. As for my father, I would stay weekends with him along with my two brothers but it wasn't something that I greatly enjoyed. I was thankful that I had a place to go when my relationship, particularly with my father, was intense. If God and Devil are counterparts in feeling safe or preparing to intense battle then Jason and Dad were in the same boat and my salvation lied somewhere in between them.
Anyway, we were helping Jason's mom (Debbie) unpack the groceries and I noticed that she had bought a giant jar of whole dill pickles. I have to admit that pickles are my weakness. I love pickles. I love hamburger pickles; I love dill pickles; I love sliced pickles; I just absolutely adore and love pickles! I like eating pickles with mustard which is an art form that is to be respected has a holy ceremony. The mustard has to be squirted out of a plastic mustard container directly onto the pickle. This has to be done with each individual bite. There is no other way to do this. My mother on the other hand uses ketchup in substitution of mustard, this is also a good treat but it doesn't compare to using mustard. Mustard just gives the pickle an added flavor! Now I know some of you are going to judge me about my health because pickles carry so much sodium but why even live if your going to rob yourself the delicates of life!!
I also noticed that Debbie bought a couple of gallons of orange juice which is something else I'm totally into. I can only usually drink about a cup of orange juice because anything more than that usually gives me some minor craps in the abdominal region. I think I'm a little allergic to orange juice or my body just can't handle the acid content of the juice. However, what I want and what my body wants are two different things!
After putting away groceries and eating dinner, Jason and I went back to his bedroom where we usually stayed up most of the night talking about what was going on at school, if we should design our own newspaper, and then we would usually draw outlines of opening our own coffee shop. The coffee shop ideal was usually something that came up quite often. Jason would serve the coffee and I would make sandwiches. It would be our own business. At the age of 13, we had dreams and to this day I still want to open up a coffee shop!
We never did really talk about girls that much even though at this point in our lives we had both started puberty and it should have been an issue that was coming up quite frequently. It never really did with us though. At this moment we were both well into pleasing ourselves sexually, several times a day even if we didn't understand what we were doing. We never really talked about this either and I'm sure that we didn't even know what the hell we were doing and I'm sure that we didn't even know that we were both doing it. All we knew was that it was something that guys did in their private time and it felt good. So the logic at the time was why waste time talking about girls when we both had a right hand to lean on! So sex and girls never really came up between us in the beginning but we sure did talk about everything else. I was going to be a famous writer and run for congress and live in New York. Jason was going to be a photographer and live in L.A. We would fly out and see each other every week too!!! Those were the dreams of a couple of kids who had no ideal at the time where life would be taking them.
Debbie had gone to bed and Jason and I made our way to the Kitchen to make us some snacks. I poured a huge class of orange juice and I grabbed a few pickles to snack on over the next couple of hours while we planned a layout of our coffee shop. We would talk and I would eat pickles, we would talk again and I would drink orange juice. We would talk some more and I would stuff my mouth with pickles and we would talk further and I would down my pickles with orange juice. Pickles and Orange Juice… Pickles and Orange Juice… Pickles and Orange Juice…

* * * * *

The darkness in the bedroom refused to cover up the earthquakes and pains I was suffering in the middle of the night. I knew at this point that there was no way in hell I was going to make it to the bathroom so my last hope would lie with Jason. My best friend, my confidant, my spiritual other, my alter ego, my knight in shining armor. Yes, Jason would be the one to save me from this horrible nightmare that was about to engulf my very being. I knew that I could always count on him and I knew that Jason would never let me down.
I turned my head towards Jason and I called out his name but there was no response. I had thought he was a light sleeper but apparently I had been wrong. Would I be wrong about anything else? In my head I was thinking, "NICE! Wake the hell up asshole!" I called out his name again and he turned his head toward me and said "What?"
"I need your help Jason. I need a trash can," I pleaded, with the sound of my voice pleading for mercy and guess what this so-called knight in shining armor, my so-called best friend, my so-called dear confidante did? An act that even years later is still a shock to me and a lesson that was clearly taught that night that I should abide by more often then not. A lesson that clearly stated that I should never count on anybody in my life to get things done for me, there is only one person that I can count on to get things done, and that person is me! So this one particular night defined what Jason and I were going to be all about. We were both on our own, we were both independent, we both were going to learn things the hard way, and we both would always be together.
Jason turned his head away from me and with one quick breath he sternly said "leave me the fuck alone, I'm trying to sleep!" I was shocked! He was such a prick and I couldn't believe that he would abandoned me in this dark hour. He always had a stuck up way about him and he seemed very snooty for those who didn't know him well. Tonight of all nights I hated him and he was a bastard for not being there for me!
My options had run out! The pressure was building and I could taste vomit in my mouth. I didn't know what to do and I didn't know where to turn. I had to make a choice and at this point there were only two options. The first being I could strike back at Jason and throw up all over his sleeping body. This became a real possibility until I realized that we were sleeping in the same bed and I didn't want to sleep in a pool of vomit. The other option was to scoot myself over towards the wall where I could vomit in the open space between the wall and the bed. This seemed a better solution for me since the floor was indeed a hardwood floor and my vomit would be easier to clean up off of the floor rather than the blankets, pillows and mattress. I decided for option number two!
I quickly scooted over to the space between the wall and bed and with each small movement I made in the effort to get to the wall, the pressure grew ten times worst then the moment before. It was no sooner that I got to the open space that my mouth was forced open from the force of the pressure that had been building in my stomach over the last few minutes. Huge chunks of pickles flew out of my mouth in a river of orange juice and a slight scent of mustard. As I attempted to close my mouth the pressure would only keep it open like I had some kind of steel bars between my teeth giving way to a savage river. It kept coming and coming and with each chunk of pickle that escaped out of my mouth I grew tried and worn. This demonic expulsion from my body was taking every ounce of energy I had and before the last drop of orange juice leaked out of my mouth, I blacked out and returned to my world of dreams. A world where pickles and orange juice did not exist.