THE TAIL OF MY OWN KITE

Gene...
So here is the letter I promised I would write today...
So my doubts about moving to Springfield started several weeks ago and have been growing ever since. You might remember that I had one bad night about my feelings on moving when I called you a couple of weeks ago about money and etc... well those feelings still lingered in me for the most part even though I would keep them from the surface. I have several reasons why I've chosen to stay here for now. So here they are:
1.) Money... I have enough to move in and barely nothing beyond that. I have 300.00 to my name at the moment. 250 would have gone to rent leaving me 50.00 to move my things and buy groceries and other items I will need over the next couple of weeks. I have a 400.00 phone bill that I need to get paid off by the end of the month since we no longer have a family plan and I really don't want to lose my phone. I have yet to line up a job and the threat that I would not be able to make rent at the end of the month would loom until a position would come open. I really do not want to deal with the stress from the lack of not having a job. The job issue wouldn't be such a big thing if I had more money put back to live on but I don't.
2.) One of the main reasons I wanted to move was because of you. The thought of seeing you everyday thrilled me and the simple fact that your independent and standing on your own two feet appeals to me so that I, for once would not have to worry about someone else. However the downfall to this is I was also looking forward to "partying" with you and going out with you. I feel that this is the main reason why I wanted to move back and I think this is wrong. I should be moving back for myself, not for someone else... even if that someone else is you.
3.) I am not 100% sure that I will stay drug free if I'm living in Springfield. Granted, I'm sure I wouldn't do anything stupid with you but I do wonder if that door opens... Would I walk through it? I am not sure if I could say "NO" if I ran into the White Horse or anyone else that might be an influence. I feel that I am able to hold my own at the moment but I still cannot say for sure that I could rebute anything coming my way. I'm getting there and I know for a fact that my resistence to these negitive things is alot better than it was a couple of months ago but I still think I need more time to get to that place where I can fully trust myself.
4.) I am clearly getting heathlier where I'm at now. I've lost over 25 pounds since joing Weight Watchers and mentally, I feel fantastic. I'm able to think more clearly and I feel like my emotions are no longer getting the best of me. I do not want to take any steps backwards and I feel that, that could be a possiblity if I leave now. I still have alot to accomplish and things that I want to do to get my body and mind where it needs to be.
5.) My family is chaotic and disfunctional but I also like being with them right now. They seriously get my mind off things and I do enjoy seeing the kids more often than I did during this previous year. I think they are also helping me realize who I am and that I have been living in the shadows of my true self for too long.
I don't know where I want to go, and I don't know where the future is going to take me but the many doors of possibilities are still ahead of me and they could take me anywhere. I'm becoming more focused and more determined to become something more, something different. So when I decide to move forward from where I'm at right now, I will do it with responsiblity, resources, and knowing that I will be able to stand on my own without the doubts that frustrate me.
In the influenced of your beloved Tori... I will not hold on to the tail of my own kite.