UNSENT

I’m writing this letter to you because I feel like I should have been a better role model for you. You came to me once and revealed who you were to me and I treated you like you were nothing more than a simple child. I didn’t see that you were a person trying to figure out who he was or what his place in this world should be. I didn’t listen to you when you tried to speak to me and I allowed so much time to pass before I realized that you were becoming a man. I was so focused on the life of your sibling that I didn’t see that you were reaching out to me because you felt we had something in common. You were right, we did have something in common, and we still do. So now I must start living up to my obligation to you and attempt to influence you towards a direction that is healthy and beneficial in your continued growth in this life. What I am going to tell you is going to hurt you… it will perhaps anger you, but it’s my hope that when you reach through these initial feelings that you will be able to see my perspective and perhaps you will have the ability to make the changes that you desire to make, changes that you need to make.
It simply breaks my heart to see that a person that I care about continue to fall into these cycles of failure. You have clearly become addicted to this lifestyle because I see you thrive to be in a position that creates unnecessary drama and ultimate failure. It saddens me that you have this voice of poetry and conviction but your words are empty and meaningless to those who know you the most. You have an aunt that cares so much about you that she has taken you into her home and she has given you a bed to sleep in and financial faith into your education. For months, all you talked about was going to school and how you were aiming to get your certified nursing certificate, which would begin your pathway to becoming a nurse. We both know that you have a deep desire to help other people and this would have been your opportunity to fulfill that need. However, you sat yourself up to failure. After your aunt paid for your schooling, you decided to sabotage this pathway to success because deep down you didn’t have the self confidence and faith in your own being. When the time came that you needed to take your TB test, you simply missed the test and rescheduled, only to miss it again because you were “too tired”. Convicted from the classroom, you dwelled from one day to the next without any goals and without any passion.
You abandoned a two year relationship because you claimed he treated you badly all the while you dangled yourself in the flirtation of cheating, hoping and praying, that this would allow you some attention from him. You continued to engaged in this back and forth with him and over a period of time it wore you both down so much that there was nothing left to do or say. It seems to those around you that your sole purpose are these childish games and your rewarded by the desires of men only to feel empty again. So here we are, your back together, the same ole, same ole and we both know your going to fuck up or he’s going to fuck up, just so you will have each other’s attention. The constant fighting and the display of daggers is the only thing that keeps you together and it’s the one thing that stands in the way of your happiness.
You told another individual that you were in love with him and that he meant everything to you, and days into the relationship you announced your engagement and started planning for the wedding. Again the cycle continues as you focus on the glitter and the glam and ignore the foundation of how a true relationship develops. You carelessly gave this man your heart and like a naïve rabbit, he allowed you to dangle yourself in front of him while you waited for the next “ordeal” to begin. In his loneliness and his despair, he grasped onto you, ignoring the brutal reality that was coming his way and choosing instead to focus with you on the glitter and the glam. These things however are so short lived and they can only keep your attention for a limited amount of time before you wake up. Then one morning, just a few short months later, when things were mellow and drama free, a switch was turned on inside of you and you told this boy goodbye… cya around… adios… You are now officially bored with this new boy and so you go back to your previous relationship because, like a drug, it keeps you high and more occupied. You would think that this would be a shocking turn of events but we all realized that this was typical you so none of us were surprised. This is just a thing that you do. So now, the new boy is back in the compounds of his loneliness, quietly wondering why all the glitter just suddenly faded away. I implore you not to play with the hearts of men because so many people can get hurt and I’m afraid we won’t know the ripple affects from your actions for quite some time. I will pray the damage is minimal and certain individuals will heal from the scars that you inflicted and I will also pray that you realize the side affects of the actions that you so suddenly jump into.
For so many years you talked about dreams and improving yourself in the light of day but the darkness in your heart controls the actions that simply don’t match what you say. Your priorities crumble as you yearn for a quick fix both emotionally and psychologically and yet you constantly wonder why your not getting anywhere in your life because these cycles keep you going back to the beginning of all of these unhealthy things. Your childhood sucked, that’s all I can say, and it’s not fair that you endured so many bad things, but I seriously think that you must forgive yourself because we both know that you haven’t. Did you hear me on this? You must forgive yourself because like the waters of a baptism, it cleanses the darkness from your heart. Forgiveness is letting go of your contentment as you beg and embrace that “something more”. You need to start focusing on yourself, you need to start being selfish, you need to get yourself from point A to point B because no one is going to be able to do these things for you. It’s okay to be selfish and self focused because I’m telling you right now that if you don’t start respecting yourself, having pride in yourself and most importantly loving yourself then your never going to find anybody that is going to do those same things for you. You can’t expect someone to take care of you if your unable to take care of yourself. I am begging you to look into that mirror, ever so darkly, but then face to face, and see for yourself the type of person that you can be.
I say these things to you not as a teacher and not even as a friend even though I hope that I am both of these things to you. I say these things to you without the thought that I am better than you but rather as your equal. I say these things to you because we simply have a common thread. You saw that one night a long time ago and I see it now. I have experience a lot of things that you have experienced and it took me a very long time to finally get to a point where I could forgive myself and I hope that my own light can offer you some guidance in your journey. We are here for you but only you can make the difference that you desire to make and I will continue to hope and pray that you do.