SAMAEL, MY SAMAEL

OH LUCIFER, YOU GREAT DRAGON , OUR TEMPEST OF EVE
YOU EMBRACE ME AND I RESIST THE URGE TO LEAVE
OH DAY STAR, SON OF DAWN, THE DECEIVER OF ALL THINGS
HOW YOU KEEP ME FROM TRIUMP AND WHAT SALVATION BRINGS
SAMAEL, MY SAMAEL I’VE EMBRACED YOU WITH MY LIPS
THE SINS OF MY DESIRES, HEART, AND SOUL COMES TO THIS.
OH KING OF BABYLON, YOU FALLEN ANGEL, OUR MORNING STAR
YOU SEDUCED ME WITH YOUR WHORE IN THE MERCEDES CAR
MY LIPS TOUCHED THE CHEST OF THE WICCAN BOY
AND I BECAME A LONELY PLAYTHING , THE DECEIVER’S TOY
SAMAEL, MY SAMAEL I’VE EMBRACED YOU WITH MY LIPS
THE SINS OF MY DESIRES, HEART, AND SOUL COMES TO THIS.
OH IBLIS, YOU BASTARD SON, OUR PRINCE OF HELL
YOU WANTED ME TO FALTER BUT I KEEP GOING SO I CAN TELL
THE WARMTH OF YOUR HEART IS THE COLDNESS IN MY SOUL
A THOUSANDS LIES COULD NEVER MAKE MY LIFE WHOLE
SAMAEL, MY SAMAEL I’VE EMBRACED YOU WITH MY LIPS
THE SINS OF MY DESIRES, HEART, AND SOUL COMES TO THIS.
OH LUCIFER, REBELLIOUS SON OF GOD. OUR HANDS ARE TIED
I EMBRACE YOU AS A PART OF WHO I AM AND RECOGNIZED YOU LIED
FOR NOW I SEE CLEARLY AND CONTAIN YOU WITH MY CONTENTMENT
I KNOW MY POWER OVER YOU WILL ONLY FUEL YOUR RESENTMENT
SAMAEL, MY SAMAEL, I KNOW THAT WE ARE ONE IN SIN
BUT THE HAND OF THE LAMB WILL ALWAYS KEEP ME WITH HIM.

THE HEALTHCARE DEBATE

I recently had a discussion on my Facebook site about universal healthcare and there was a lot of disagreement between my friends on how we should approach healthcare. I wanted to share our discussion and where I think healthcare needs to go.

CHAD: Healthcare… I cannot stress enough why healthcare should be a God given right for everyone in this country to obtain and to afford basic healthcare. There should not be one individual in this country that think that they cannot seek treatment for illness from any hospital because they simply cannot afford it. This is wrong and inhumane! Healthcare is not a political issue, it is a moral issue that we as a society is obligated to support and advance.

JASON: Agreed, but why should I and every other hard working citizen be forced to pay for those who refuse to make something of themselves? Btw.. if Obama thinks he is going to force me to pay for healthcare for the people who work for me, then I will close my doors, just as most other small businesses will.

RICHARD: I agree but to be honest we screwed ourselves in healthcare spending by going to war during the Bush administration. Our country no longer has the means of supporting national healthcare because we're spending trillions on the national debt. Many Americans seem to think that the US has unlimited funds to go around. A newsflash: National, healthcare will have to wait until we stop spending on useless wars, non-government related private jet flights for members of congress and bailouts to companies who are spending them on bonuses for executives... among other things, of course.

JASON: Richard.. The national deficit has existed since the civil war. Health Care reform has been an ongoing debate since Kennedy was in office. Quit blaming Bush for everything from the economy to the rash on your butt. Bush has been gone for almost 8 months now! Btw, Obama has spent his way into an additional $1 TRILLION dollars in deficit spending in his first seven months and yet unemployment keeps rising. Sorry to say, but Obama is slowly self imploding and it will make me quite happy when all of his supporters see him for what he truly is: a socialist community organizer.

CHAD: Sitting aside why the deficit is where it is... because we’re not going to get anywhere by doing nothing but blaming Bush or Obama. It is clear that our system as it stands is broken. There are millions of people in this country (that btw do work hard) that still cannot afford healthcare. I for one, have a full time job with no insurance. I cannot afford to get sick because I live paycheck to paycheck and if I chose to get insurance as it is now then I would lose almost 300.00 a month out of my income because my employer will not cover me. I make right under a 1,000 a month. I cannot afford everyday living with insurance because of the outlandish amounts of money the insurance companies are soaking up! It's disgusting and vile what the insurance companies are doing to so many American citizens. I feel for one that there is nothing wrong with helping each other as a society because it will benefit all of us in the long run.

RICHARD: Politics discussions are always so fun. Chad, I myself do have healthcare but I can't afford to go to the doctor for a visit even if I do get sick. It's either one extreme or another. God I love it. Jason, psshaww- I have too much to say and too little time to make a reply. Only 4 hours left of my day and a lot to do still. Haven't heard of how Canada or the UK is doing.
JASON: Canada added like 327,000 jobs in July...and they didn't spend $787 billion dollars trying to do it.

ANGELA: Jason... you would only hurt yourself by closing your doors! :(

CHAD: Did anybody watch Obama's speech? Have any opinions changed or did you learn something new about the current situation as it stands? Sidenote: I'm so glad that the first hijacked airplane in North America since 9/11 ended without anyone getting hurt today.

JASON: I Was at the ballgame drinking beer… missed the speech… oh darn! lol

JUSTIN: Jason… Canada also has universal health care. I guess you're right. We should look at what they are doing and try to implement it into our own government. Not to mention you and every other hard working citizen already pays for the healthcare of those who cannot afford it. Who do you think covers medical fees when uninsured citizens have emergencies that they cannot afford? Do you think the hospital just eats those expenses? And let me get this straight, instead of helping your employees out by getting them even low level insurance, you would just shut your doors? That really helps the free market economy system.

JASON: Justin, The problem with implementing Canada’s plan in the USA is this... can YOU afford an overnight increase of 15% in everything your purchase? Didn't think so... It would bring the economy to a halt.

CHAD: I just got done watching the President's speech and I can say his plan is clear and I believe it will move forward with or without the support of those that want the status quo. 95% of all small business will receive a waiver if they cannot support insurance for their employees... (Jason, I'm sure this would include your company) I also want to say again that this is a moral obligation that we have not only to ourselves but to others! We cannot continue on the path of self centered ideology that does not include taking care of our brothers and sisters. It was made very clear tonight that the public option of this plan would be self efficient and the bill would include a segment that would prohibit the raise of taxes to support the public plan.

JUSTIN: Yet, the minimum wage is getting increased every six months, causing prices to skyrocket so that employers can pay the higher wages to their employees, gas prices soared an average of a dollar a gallon from 2007 to 2008, cigarettes have already been bumped up 38 cents a pack, sales tax in Illinois has gone from 6.75 to 7.25 percent, etc. All of these supposed overnight increases in taxes are already taking place and have been taking place for decades now. Where is the money going? What is more important: making sure every American citizen is insured or contracting the construction of more tanks, bombs, and guns for our Army? You can say don't blame everything on Bush, but the last eight years of completely unnecessary military spending are more to blame for our jilted economy than price increases.

JASON: The money is flying out the window thanks to the tax and spend dems. Ronald Regan was more than right when he said jokingly " I am from the government, and I am here to help you'. What ever happened to personal responsibility and we the people? If we say NO to the insurance co's, then they will have no choice but to make it affordable. Its simple business sense. Also if we vote out these FOOLS in office, and if some of us quit falling for the smoke and mirrors unqualified politicians (yes this means Mr. community organizer himself) who will say anything to get elected, then we will be in a much better position as a whole. BTW Justin, thanks to Osama, cigs went up almost $10 a carton in MO. That’s $1 a pack thanks to his 'giveaway healthcare' for the welfare queens who keep getting knocked up.

JUSTIN: So wait, your idea of "saying NO to the insurance companies" is to NOT provide universal health care, thereby allowing them to continue to price gouge consumers. Explain yourself. It also is laughable that you bring up the current economic state, then cite the man whose "trickle-down economic" system is arguably what started American into a recessive state in the first place. Also, whatever happened to "We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal..." If insurance costs so much that nearly 16 percentage of the population cannot afford it, obviously we aren't working on a level playing field. But that's ok, that's just 48 million Americans who aren't working hard enough.

CHRISTINA: Our nation needed health reform yesterday. It's ridiculous and sad that people are struggling to survive, both financially and physically, on a daily basis. Health care should not just be available to those you are able to afford it. Health ca...re should not be a privilege, but a right provided to everyone.

JASON: Justin wrote "then cite the man whose "trickle-down economic" system is arguably what started American into a More recessive state in the first place" Well lets go to www.cnbc.com, and look at the past 10 years of stock market daily closing numbers (I think the markets are a great indicator of the economic condition of the country) You will see that during Bush the markets hit ALL TIME HIGHS, people's retirement accounts were earning money, CD's and money market accounts were getting decent returns on investment (4-6%) Now lets look at Nov 5, the day after Osama, I mean Obama was elected. See the nice big drop? How about on Jan 20, see another big drop? Want to know what my money market account is currently yielding? A whopping 1%! Yes health care needs reformed. I do not disagree. I had emergency surgery just 2 months ago. Total bill $19k for 11 hours at the hospital. I have no insurance (sorry, $500 a month is not currently in my budget). But I do not expect tax payers to flip the bill for my medical costs. Nor do I think anyone should be mandated to provide coverage (or face fines). Last time I checked this was a free country, and I will be damned if the government is going to put one more obstacle in my face that prohibits growth of small businesses. We already have more than our fair share of laws, regulations, and taxes. I could go on and on, but unless you own, or have tried to start a small biz, you have no idea about all the red tape that goes along with it. This bill will kill jobs. Mark my word on it!

CHRISTINA: Point taken...I haven't owned a new business and am not trying to start up one. However, I am interning at a cancer center and see people struggling on a daily basis. They didn't have to ask cancer and do not ask for monthly CO-PAYS of $4000 (that is not a typo). Plus there are people losing their lives because they cannot afford the necessary care leaving them with their illnesses to progress, to become worse and in most cases contribute to their premature death. Yes it will cost a lot, to say the least, for this reform....but I like to think lives are worth it.

JUSTIN: I am failing to understand how you can acknowledge that health care needs to be reformed and you also acknowledge that insurance rates are too high, yet be against universal health care. You keep presenting point A and point B without realizing that B contradicts A. I also like how this is a free country for you as a business owner, but not for someone who just wants to make sure his kid doesn't have a terminal illness but can't because insurance is 500 dollars a month. I'm not even going to touch on your stock market "point" as you cherry pick two dates from Obama's term and compare it to annual averages for the eight years prior. Are we just going to forget that under Clinton, this country had a multi-billion dollar surplus that was erased by eight years of the bumbling Bush administration?
　
CHAD: Healthcare is a decisive issue but sometimes we need to choose between the difference between what’s right and what is easy. Hillary Clinton once said whenever a person speaks powerfully about change, then the forces of status quo attack. There are those in this country in the position of power that would do anything to prevent universal healthcare for the masses. That is why it’s so important that each of us stand up and fight for this because Christina is right when she said lives are at stake. This country must embrace universal healthcare for the sake of our future, our children, and our economy. None of us should have to worry about money when it comes to our health. We are all equal and protected under the guidelines of the constitution; that all men are created equal and that each of us reserve the right to the pursuit of happiness Our differences are deep but we must find common ground and take the right road… the moral road.

POPTARTS

The funny thing about friends is a lot of times they act the same way in your dreams as they do in real life. Your dreams can be a true reflection on their personality and how important they are to you as people. I dream a lot about the people that I love and every dream is an indication on where my relationship stands with them. I fell asleep one night and instantly landed on my feet in my dreamland where Nora and I were packing our bags and getting ready for Fat Camp.
I’ve been on a huge health kick in the months prior and had lost almost fifty pounds since when all of a sudden I found myself heading to Fat Camp with Nora. I was in a hurry and I knew that I was excited that I was going to lose weight even though realistically speaking I knew that I wasn’t fat anymore. I think perhaps I was more excited that Nora was coming along with me and she was going to take care of herself as well. I watched as she continued to pack her things in her suitcases and soon afterwards we were on a big yellow school bus heading out to the wilderness to free ourselves from the confounds of fatty tissues.
Upon our arrival, we were greeted by camp counselors who were all abnormally skinny with huge heads wearing blue vintage t-shirts that simply stated “Fat Camp”. Each of them explained to us how they all use to weigh hundreds of pounds and they had lost it all by spending their summers here at the camp. I smiled at their accomplishment even though personally I thought they all had a dash of bulimia with a hint of anorexia. I turned back to Nora to tell her my inner thoughts when I became mortified by the actions that she was doing behind my back.
She was stuffing an oversized, brown sugar poptart into her mouth, pieces of which were falling all over the front of her navy blue shirt. She was like a robotic food processor, crunching down one poptart after another while the cheerleaders of Fat Camp welcomed us into their fold. I quickly turned back to our greeters and made a step to the right blocking their view of Nora’s catastrophic fall just two minutes into our fat camp experience. I could feel the redness in my face as the counselors showed us to our bunk beds in the log dormitory. They continued to talk to me about the daily activities here at Fat Camp but I had a hard time hearing anything they were saying due to the loud crunching of poptarts in Nora’s ever grinding mouth.
As soon as they left I turned around on Nora and started screaming at her about the amount of poptarts she had engulfed in the short time we had been there. I opened her suitcase to discovered that she hadn’t packed any clothes but rather every flavor and color of poptart that was currently in production. I looked up at her and asked her why she didn’t pack any clothes and she simple smiled and put another poptart into her mouth. I would be stuck looking at her blue navy t-shirt sparkling with crumbs for the rest of the summer.
The next day, we started our daily activities by taking a canoeing trip down the river. I was having a hard time maneuvering our canoe due to the fact that I was the only one handing the paddles. Nora had left her paddles back on the shoreline due to the fact that she had one poptart in each hand and a third poptart in her mouth. I noticed this time she was swallowing the poptart whole like a python snake which gave her un-human like qualities. I was in fear that her head was going to start bobbing back and forth and she would vomit back the poptart just to eat it again. The only relieve I found on this trip was that the constant crunching had come to a halt due to her new form of eating.
I wondered during my archery session why the counselors hadn’t said anything to Nora about her apparent semi sexual addiction to poptarts. I glanced back at her wanting to aim my bow at the sugar filled beast for I could feel the jealousy mounting within me. I felt that I hadn’t eaten for days and my head was becoming bigger as my body was becoming pencil thin. I was becoming more and more like the counselors of the camp and I found myself taking on their characteristics. Was this going to be my future? Am I the one going to have a big head on a stick welcoming fat people to Fat Ass Camp? I felt my heart begin to race as I opened my eyes in the safety of my bed.
Fat Camp had just been a dream and Nora wasn’t the navy blue t-shirt bitch who was constantly tormenting me with poptarts. I told Nora about the dream latter that day as she laughed, the ironic thing being that she doesn’t even like poptarts. Another thing about Nora which I think the dream indicated is that she really doesn’t care about what people think of her. She’s completely happy with herself. She indulges in things that she enjoys for her philosophy is that we only live one life so why limit ourselves. I respect her for that.
I do care about my body, I’ve work hard to look the way I do and that’s not going to change because I feel that if anyone is ever going to love me, I’m going to have to love and respect myself first. I still have along way to go but it’s a process that I feel very comfortable with and it makes me more confident that I can accomplish anything especially when I have control over my body and my actions. So I work hard, and I exercise and eat healthy but Nora also opens a doorway to balance. She’s the one that shows me that I don’t always have to restrict myself and that I should take time out to enjoy things. I stopped by a gas station and bought a strawberry poptart on my way home that night. I secretly enjoyed it in my car as I devoured both of them in the package. The indulgence was breathtaking and I cherished each bite of the frosty treat. I could enjoy this moment because I was in control of this moment. Afterwards, I went on a two mile jog to counter my indulgence but at least Nora showed me that I can indulge so I won’t ever become one of those freaks with a pencil body and a big freaking head.
　

THE HALLOWEEN MURDERS: PART TWO

"Let the black knight mount his mare
And thus bring forth the continuous Nightmare." - Edgar Allan Poe

A year had gone by since the murders of my family and Gene. My brother Cory, still hadn’t been found and Nancy Grace was ready to release her latest book surrounding the case on the upcoming anniversary. I had taken refuge in France with Agent Oliver Benson. We had apparently grown close over the past year even though it just seemed like moments before that I was dealing with the murders. I was hoping to avoid the media attention surrounding the anniversary but Nancy Grace was having nightly shows about the murders leading up to Halloween.
I awoke early that morning with disturbing news. Benson had received a call from the States informing him that Cory had posted a You tube video of my mother’s murder. I could feel a deep stab in my chest penetrating my soul at the thought of millions of people downloading the video footage of my mother’s death and it only got worst from there…
Every hour on the hour a new video was posted online of the murders. Another victim, another gruesome death and another spike in video downloads. It was disgusting and vile and I hated the core of humanity for the need to feed into this horrific story. It was late in the evening when the last video posted and I prayed that it would end there. I was cuddled on the couch with Benson when the telephone began to ring. Benson quickly grabbed the phone as he talked quietly into the receiver and I knew the news wasn’t good. Benson told me that another video had posted of a new victim and they needed me to identify who was in the video.
“What!” I screamed. I pushed myself off of Benson and the couch and ran over to my laptop to find the video. I reached the site and saw that the video had already been downloaded thousands of times. I hit the play button as I saw a camera come into focus. It seemed that Cory was outside of a large window looking into someone’s house but I couldn’t tell who’s home it was until I saw the victim walk out of his bedroom. It was Jason! “OH MY GOD!!! He’s outside Jason’s house!!!” I screamed back at Benson, who was relaying the message into the phone. “Jason Casteel, he’s Chad’s best friend of about twenty years. He’s in Amarillo, Texas.” Benson continued to give the FBI information about Jason as I continued to scream, “OH MY GOD!!!” I grabbed my cell phone and hit the speed dial on the phone to reach Jason but the voice mail continued to pick up. “Answer the fucking phone Jason,” as I redialed his number. “Damn it!!! No!!!! He won’t answer his fucking phone!” The tears began to swell up in my eyes as I looked back at my computer screen to see the very large kitchen knife stabbing deeply into Jason’s stomach. “Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! He can’t be dead too, please God, he can’t be dead too!” I felt Benson’s arms around me like the way I use to feel Gene’s arms and everything around me began to fade to black as I felt myself falling.
When I opened up my eyes I was on a airline flying back to the United States. Benson was holding my hand as the image of the knife going into Jason played endlessly in my head. I couldn’t quite remember when I had discovered the news about my other friends but I had also learned that Summer, Nora and Marleo had been murdered that very day. Confusion about my blackouts and the knowledge of my friend’s deaths had cause my head to pound. I focused on my heartbeat as I held Benson’s hand tighter. It was my fault that they were all dead. I should have been there to stop Cory when he killed my family and it was Gene that paid the price when Cory came after me. This entire year, I had been in hiding and because of my inability to confront my brother the rest of my friends died.
I had nothing left but my insanity. Suddenly I found myself standing in a white room with Gene and Jason. They began talking to me in unison as I attempted to walk towards them but I couldn’t manage to get any closer to them. “Chad… Chad… Chad…” They repeated my name over and over as I tried to reach out to them. “I’m so sorry he killed you… I didn’t mean for either of you to suffer because of me!” Tears once again began to fall from my eyes and it seemed that crying was the only thing I knew how to do… the tears kept falling as my insanity took a hold of me.
I gave the eulogy at Jason’s funeral but I couldn’t recall what I was saying. I knew I was speaking but I couldn’t hear any of the words coming out of my mouth. It seemed to me that I was still in the white room but I was also in the church at the same time. The only thing I could focus on was the image of Jason and Gene standing in the back of the room softly whispering my name. Everyone else in the church were glaring at me with hatred and accusation in their eyes. I glanced over to the right, back corner of the room and saw Nancy Grace taking notes as she shook her head in disapproval and I wondered why nobody in the room was paying any attention to my two dead friends in the back.
“Your going have end this you know.” I was sitting at the end of a bed as my dead friend Gene spoke to me. It seemed like I was sitting there with him forever but I had just given the eulogy at Jason’s funeral and I somehow was back in my parents house in Litchfield. I knew he was dead but somehow he was right there with me. He continued his matter of fact conversation with me, “He’s going to kill every single one of us until you take control.” I turned my head to see Jason sitting on the right side of me, “He’s right. You have to do something so this will all end or Cory is going to discover your little secret.” I thought about the secret and a rare smile formed on my face. I finally realized what I had to do and I would do whatever it took to protect my secret. I knew right then with Gene and Jason’s apparent ghost that I was insane and I was going to use my insanity to get to Cory. This wasn’t going to end until Cory stuck his knife into me or I forced him to take his last breath.
　

THE HALLOWEEN MURDERS: PART ONE

"Sleep - O How I loathe those little slices of Death!" - Edgar Allan Poe

I woke up to the light of the sun shining through my window of my downtown St. Louis apartment that I shared with my good friend, Gene Wolske. I felt like things were out of place but I decided to ignore my awkward surroundings and turn on the television set. As CNN came on I realized that today was Halloween and I thought about the film series with Michael Myers. I had recently watched the film series and I had also thrown myself into watching “True Blood” and the “Nightmare on Elm Street” movies. I was heading out into the kitchen to fix me some breakfast when I heard the voice of Nancy Grace on CNN reporting a breaking news story.
“That’s right ya’ll, we are getting some horrific news out of Litchfield, Illinois this morning and I’m telling you now, if your have a weak stomach, your not going wanna hear this. A family has been massacred and the death count is at nine, that right, NINE in Litchfield and that’s not all folks. Four more people are dead in Springfield, Illinois and authorities think that the murders are linked together! That’s right, we have a Psycho out there slaughtering everyone!” Nancy Grace’s voice broke off while I took in the news of the tragedy in my hometown.
Gene came to my bedroom door and told me that their were some men at the door asking to speak to me. Concern began to take a hold of my mind as I walked out into the living and greeted two men in dark suits. They greeted me and introduce themselves as FBI and at that very moment fear enveloped my entire mind frame. “It’s the murders that they’re reporting on CNN. It’s my family isn’t it?” I cried out while my sobbing began to take a hold of me.
One of the FBI agents began to speak slowly through my wails. “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this but the bodies that were found this morning consisted of members of the Farmer and Hemken families. We’ve identified the bodies as your mother and your step father, your nephews and nieces and your siblings.” I began to collapse as Gene embraced me; holding me up as the agent continued, clearly shaken by my reaction to the news. “We can also confirm that the bodies found in Springfield are that of your sister and her family.” I buried my head into Gene’s chest knowing that there was no way that I would ever be able to cope with this. My life had abruptly come to a halt and there would never be a way to recover from this horrific day.
A few hours later I found myself standing in the mortuary at St. Francis Hospital weeping over the body of my mother. Nothing was making sense to me and I couldn’t even remember how I got from my apartment to the hospital in Litchfield. An agent knocked at the door, I quickly covered my mother’s face with the sheet and turned to greet him. Officer Benson and I walked down the long corridor as he explained to me that they believed my brother, Cory had committed the murders and that they were doing everything possible in finding him. I told the officer that Cory had some social anxiety issues but I couldn’t believe he would kill our entire family.
I then caught a glance at the Litchfield Daily Newspaper that was laying on a end table that we were walking pass. The headline of the news story read, “A Real Halloween Massacre: Life imitates art in Litchfield tragedy” I wanted to faint as I realized the complexities of the entire situation but there was something that I had to do and I had to make sure that I succeeded in accomplishing this secret mission without anyone ever knowing what it was.
A few hours later I had succeeded in doing what I had to do and I was heading back to St. Louis talking on my cell phone, making funeral arrangements for the thirteen members of my family. Officer Benson was driving and he had accompany me during my secret mission for he had been assigned my personal bodyguard until my brother was found and taken into custody. We arrived at my apartment late that evening and I was looking forward to seeing Gene. He had been there with me when I got the news of the murders and his comfort was always a steady source in my life.
Officer Benson and I walked into my darkened apartment and was surprised that Gene wasn’t home, I knew I had talked to him several times throughout the day after the FBI had taken me into protective custody and he knew that I was coming home. I had difficulty searching for the light switch and when I finally found it I let out a horrific scream.
Gene was sitting down in a chair covered in blood with several stab wounds in his chest. I quickly ran over to him screaming at him not to leave me as Officer Benson dialed for the police. “Please God, don’t let him die… Not Gene… Please don’t die. Noooo… My heart sank further into a dark abyss as Gene’s cold blood began to drip down on my body as I held him tightly; not ever wanting to let him go. My brother was taking everything from me.
Days later, in a beautiful church, the portraits of the fourteen victims lined the walls of the alter as thousands of people gathered to pay their respects to my family and friend. I had no recognition of the events that had unfolded between finding Gene’s body and sitting in front of the alter. I kept my focus on the young picture of my five year old nephew, Isaiah, who was Cory’s own son. In my mind I pretended that Isaiah was playing on the stage with his toys as my mother looked down at him with gleaming eyes. I wanted this all to be nothing more than a dream and I found myself begging God to take me away from this place. I felt even more alone knowing that Gene was gone and that I would never again feel his arm around me.
Cory had still not been found but the FBI kept assuring me that they were doing everything possible to find him. After the ceremony came to an end, I walked out of the church seeing Nancy Grace reporting live for CNN. She started waving at me as she pushed herself up towards me, Gene not being there to protect me from her. “Chad Farmer, what is going on? Can you explain to my viewers why this psychopath has not been caught and better yet can you explain to me why innocent members of your family, including little children are now dead and your not? We need to know why your causing so much suffering in this peaceful community?!” I refused to even acknowledge her presence and Office Benson got me into one of the cars that were driving us away from the church.
Perhaps Nancy Grace was right, perhaps this entire situation was my fault and I wondered how much time I had left before Cory caught up with me. At any rate, I held on to one secret and no matter what my brother did to me, I had the satisfaction in knowing that hope would survive.

THE JUDAS TREE

Late one night after a long shift I went out to dinner with two buddies of mine. One of which has a solid Christian background while the other is more of an individualist. Our conversation was ranging from everything from sex and girls to God and country with a few side notes in-between. One of the topics that kind of touched a nerve with me was suicide, a topic that makes me very uncomfortable and it’s something that I always trend carefully around. I’ve had someone that I care about very much contemplate suicide and almost decide to do it before someone intervened quite by accident. Thankfully, that person is still with us and hopefully he realizes how much he enriches those around him everyday.
The Christian was actually talking about God and religion when he made a comment that there were only two deadly sins. I asked him wondering what he thought these sins were and he replied by telling me that blasphemy against God and the act of suicide were the sins that we should fear most. Knowing the answer already, I asked the Christian what happens to you if you commit suicide and he said that the act itself was unforgivable and that the individual would go to hell. He added that prayer might help them but he wasn’t sure if that in itself could do something to change their fate. I instantly felt burning and redness bubbling up underneath my flesh.
The Anger that had exploded inside of me wanted my body to leap across the table and strangle some sense in this person. The fact that anyone could believe that someone that commits suicide would eternally burn in a place of damnation just seems ridiculous to me. My first reaction is that these individuals that think this way are filled with stupidity, ignorance and naïve backwoods ideology. I seriously had to pause and get myself together to act gentlemanly to the Christian that was sitting across from me because he wasn’t any of these things… he is a friend that has his own opinions and beliefs, and that, in itself, is a human right. So I collected myself and responded on why I believe that suicide does not lead anyone to hell… that the complexities of human emotion are far more complicated then the black and white and good and evil that most people can only see.
Mental illness is a disease that plagues so many individuals and many of these people are unable to rationally or logically think through their actions because they are unable to process these things. The brain biologically or chemically does not allow it and I personally believe mental illness prohibits the soul from fully connecting with the physical body. This lack of connection between the soul and the body is not the individual’s fault and can only be explained through genetics and environment. It is purely an accident by nature and it is something that many people are born with and are unable to control.
Suicide is never a rational option therefore it’s a decision that is always made by someone that is not seeing the logic behind the act. I firmly believe that anyone that is in a place in their lives, where they are surrounded by darkness, and are unable to see anything beyond the shadows of doubt, is being plagued by mental illness. They are ill and the soul is not responsible for their inability to see light. The brain is preventing the soul from seeing any viable options that could lead them out of these burdens and therefore they should not be judged by religious rhetoric.
I believe in a compassionate and loving God. I believe in the energy that binds us together as humans and I believe in the energy that binds us to everything around us. I believe in universal law and I know that everything around me is connected to me Therefore, I will not entertain the notion that there is a God that would send anyone to hell because they committed suicide. I know in my heart that these individuals are suffering from mental illness and I know this to be true because I know what my heart says is true.
I don’t know if the Christian took anything I said to heart and I don’t know if he will ever change his stance on suicide but I do hope that he heard what I had to say and perhaps my words could become a catalyst for change even if that change is small and minor. I always believe that there is common ground between two conflicting ideologies and it’s always my hope that with friendly debate and conversation, we can learn from each other which will eventually lead to experience in knowledge. It’s that shared knowledge that might allow us to find a common place to stand together.