"IT GETS BETTER" PSA

MARLEO:

There are going to be individuals that we encounter in our lives that will predetermine the type of people that we are and immediately classify us has “just being gay”. It’s our job, by simply working together, with others who are different to showcase our true nature, our true talents, and our true characters to an ever growing realistic ignorance. Not one person on this planet has power over us and we should never allow any individual to make us think that we are nothing more than silly little gays…

CHAD:

We have embraced every walk of life… we are writers, we are artist, we are lawyers and businessmen, entrepreneurs and Average Joes. We span across the cultural and ethnic spectrums of humanity, and we have made strong strides in social accomplishments throughout our very own histories. We are those that dare to be different, we are those that dare to walk on a different side of life, and we are those that tend to be the bravest of the brave. Bravery of course, is an essential ingredient to the lifestyle that we live; and there are periods in our very own lives that bravery might be the only thing we have to hold on too.

MARLEO:

It’s clearly not a choice to be who we are… rather we are chosen to be everything that we are and it’s our duty to strive to be the best people with what we are given in life. We learn to become the best individuals by the experiences that we encounter through the course of our lives. It’s these experiences that teach us to grow and in return, it’s our responsibly to experience as much as possible throughout life. Dwell in the moment, cherish the experiences, both good and bad because these are the things that teach us to be the best of what we are. We sometimes might ask why it’s so important that we hold tightly to the things that we cherish and the experiences that we explore.

CHAD:

The answer to this is because those are the things that define us in our finest moments. There are going to be a large amount of dark days in each of our lives and it’s those enlightened moments that guide us through the impending darkness. I’ve come to a point in my own life to appreciate those days because they give more value to the days that are simply… well... good.

MARLEO:

So when you feel down and out… when you feel that you might not have any options

CHAD:

Just remember these three simple words…

MARLEO:

It gets better…

CHAD:

It gets better…


For more information about the Trevor Project or if you need help... please visit http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

BO PEEP'S WHORE

Little Bo Peep
Your mans’ a creep
Into a meadow, he did stray
He’s out and about
With a prostitute’s snout
Lying about where he stays
Little Bo Peep
Your man is deep
In a sort of queer, lustful way
He’s sneaking on out
Leaving your life in a drought
While he screws some boys in the hay
Little Bo Peep
Please watch your sheep
Before he takes your worth away
He’ll fill you with doubt
Until heartache does sprout
Cause I know all about his ways.

THOSE THAT STILL WALK WITH US

When I look back upon my life there are individuals that have indirectly influenced it’s course. Some of these individuals have influenced me in a negative way while others in a more positive light. I feel it’s important to me to mention one particular positive light because he is the reason why I care so much about HIV/AIDS education and prevention. He opened my eyes to an entire atmosphere that I had been blinded too. He was the first to open the door to a world that wasn’t so perfect and the true reality that there was human suffering taking place throughout our planet. This suffering was something that I really hadn’t noticed as a child and in all honesty it’s a suffering that no child should have to bare. This was the beginning of me putting aside childish things as I jumped head fist into the reality of our world. It’s difficult for me to talk about this person because his life isn’t just a personal memory for me but for my mother and grandmother as well. Gary Leon Robinson Jr. was born in this earth and he was taken away from us much to soon. Though even more than a decade after his death, his presence always remains with me as I continue on my own life‘s journey.
The one thing that sticks out in my mind about Uncle Jr. is his charisma. He instantly would light up a room when he entered into it and most everyone was drawn to his personality. He had a great smile and a very youthful look in his eyes that just drew everyone in. He could tell jokes and laugh at just about anything and he was always loving and caring towards his small band of nephews that included me. He never hesitated in doing anything that he wanted to do and would often take off to places like California simply because he had the courage to attempt living out his dreams.
I don’t remember when I knew Uncle Jr. liked other guys., it was something that I always seemed to be aware of but I do remember my mother telling me that some people were different and it was okay to be different. Uncle Jr. was different in every single great way and their was absolutely no apology for it. The one thing I always felt encouraged by was that he could do anything and that was something that I wanted to be able to do myself.
I was around eleven years old when I found out Uncle Jr. was sick. I remember having a memory when I was younger when my mother and grandmother got upset that I had taken a drink of soda after him and they checked my mouth for any open cuts or sores. They didn’t fully understand at that point how HIV was transmitted and it scared them that there was this unknown about the disease at the time. I also remember them telling me that I should never use his toothbrush but it wasn’t until I was eleven where I was told how and why my uncle was sick. He was HIV positive and he had managed to catch the virus by drug use.
After learning these things about my uncle I threw myself into learning more about what HIV/AIDS actually was and how the disease affected those that had it. This also lead to my learning of how bad the situation was in Africa and the consequences of so many people being infected with the spread of this disease. This lead me into learning more about Africa and especially on the genocide that took place in Rwanda leaving what is estimated to be a million people murdered. An entire population has been ravaged by this disease as it continues to spread, especially among third world countries throughout the African continent.
In my early twenties I took upon myself to join AIDSwalk which is a organization that raises money for HIV/AIDS prevention and education. I would serve as the local chairman of AIDSwalk for two years as I dedicated myself to the cause of awareness. So many people ignore the fact that HIV is in our own backyards and unfortunately it’s been my experience that most people don’t take action against a disease that is unseen.
Uncle Jr. passed away thirteen years ago and I can still hear his laugh. He came home from California one January night and he passed away the following April with both my grandmother and my mother in the room. His last few days he remained mostly unconscious but moments before he died he woke up and smiled at my mother which would be his last goodbye. I had gone back to work the day he died because I was told he was going to get better. I remember my baby brother walking into the store and I somehow knew what had happened when he came in to tell me the news that Uncle Jr. had passed away. We drove up to the hospital to pick up my mother and grandmother who were both devastated by his death. I remember my grandmother insisting that there had been a mistake, that he couldn’t be gone. She kept insisting that the doctor was wrong. My heart was broken for her, for my mother, for our family. For the first time in my life I felt that our family was broken and I knew it would never be the way it was before his death. A valued member of our family was gone and his void would always remain with us.
I give Uncle Jr. credit for opening a door to me that otherwise I’m not sure that I would be aware or care about. My dedication to AIDS awareness, prevention, and education.; my study of Africa, the Genocide in Rwanda, and gay culture came from my learning experience with Uncle Jr. He had an unknown influence upon me and the many people that he touched during his lifetime and I know, that I will wake up tomorrow morning, feeling certain, that he is still walking with me through all the journeys of my life.

THE STREETS THAT MEET ME

I am a sinful man, queer in a certain way
Sitting here wasted on God’s holy day
I am my mother’s son, intelligent and free
Yet chained to a father’s shame upon me.

I sometimes have the urge to eat my little cake
Knowing that these temptations are so fake
The hunger of sugar and sweet makes my knees weak
Shallow promise keeps my mind at it’s peak.

Weak ones casting their so-called power over me
Waking up lost is where I want to be
No pain, happiness, or joy; nothing is my need
I never bloomed, I am just a lost seed.

One day I stumbled upon the streets that meet me
Cheers! A toast lifted by my mom’s hot tea
Presenting a clear path, I knew I felt true love
It came to me by the wings of God’s dove.

I started to respect myself, living each day
It wasn’t to late to find my own way
Home is where I had to take my one lonely stand
The lord, my lion grabbed tight to my hand.

I can see again, I’m filled by God’s grace and light
And I will rise high with all of my might
I am a sinful man, queer in a certain way
Yet this man found much love to claim his day.

A LETTER SENT

Dear Marleo…

I love the fact that you came over to my apartment to hang out for the very first time and we spent hours singing and dancing to Mariah Carey. Who knew that one particular night would change both of our lives for the better.
I love the fact that when we were driving on our cross country road trip to Las Vegas, you looked up on a mountain in Colorado and discovered a log cabin. The fact that you said, “Oh My God! Look a house made of wood!” with all seriousness reminded me how a new born baby might look at the world. That moment was hilarious and special in so many ways.
I love the fact that on that same trip we pulled over the car and saw the most beautiful rainbow in the sky and we both appreciated the value of the moment. A few days later you wanted to punch me in the face because of my smart mouth and the fact that we blew the tire out of your car. Even when you were angry at me I still knew you cared about me.
I love the fact that when we were in some small town in Nevada, going through a drive thru at some backwoods fast food joint, out of the blue, you started speaking in Spanish and ordered our food with all the confidence that is inside of you.
I love the fact that we played confession at the kitchen table and Summer confessed that she broke into your apartment and had stolen your dog. The look on your face at that realization was both devastating and forgiving. I saw for the very first time that night how great your character is.
I love the fact that there have been so many times that we would pass out on the couch together and we were both comfortable enough to sleep together even when we were just friends.
I love the fact that we were both brave enough to drop everything without any thought and move to San Antonio for nine days, it showed that we both still had plenty of youth inside of us.
I love the fact that when we were fighting in San Antonio and I was so angry with you, all I wanted was to stay away from you. So I found all the change I could to go see a movie and you had the balls to ask if you could come with me. I relented, only because secretly, I couldn’t stand not being there without you; and you embraced my evil glares as we stood in line at the theatre.
I love the fact that as we stood in front of The Alamo, you allowed me to read William Travis’ letter to Sam Houston out loud. As tears began to flow at his words, “I shall never surrender or retreat.” You placed your hand on my shoulder in a solitary fashion that truly touched my heart.
I love the fact that you planned one of the best birthday parties ever! Who knew that You, Gene, and I would perform Mariah Carey for Crystal and Chris as we enjoyed our cocktails!
I love the fact that you have kissed me like no other person. Our very first kiss sent electricity throughout my body and I can still feel the nervousness and excitement of our first night being together. I was so nervous but it was so natural. It’s thrilling that you are still able to send these vibes through me!
I love the fact that you’re able to come to me when ever you’re face with a problem or situation and you needed another person’s advice. I have always tried to be partial whenever you asked me for relationship advice even when I flat out thought every guy you would date was a complete dweeb!
I love the fact that you thought all my boyfriends were idiots… oh how right you were!
I love the fact that you threw frozen fish patties at me in the shower when I “accidentally” tried to kill you by cooking fish. I totally forgot that you were allergic… I swear!
I love the fact that for one moment many years ago, I approached you and for an instant you showed your vulnerability by dropping your towel that was wrapped around your waist.
I love the fact that you have stirred every possible emotion out of me and you’re the one person that makes me want to feel every moment that life presents to me.
I love the fact that you have a relationship with God and you treat your mother with the utmost respect. It’s your relationship with these two individuals that gives confidence to what we have with each other.
I love the fact that you can sit and listen to my grandmother at the kitchen table and value every word that comes out of her mouth. I can feel your love for me when this happens.
I love the fact that you have opened a connection between my brother and I. You have become a sort of diplomat that has improved my relationship with my brother greatly over this past year.
I love the fact that we secretly met in a park so we could have a simple lunch together without anybody knowing!
I love the fact that every once in a while you will pick up a book and glance through it knowing that reading is something I love to do.
I love the fact that when I wanted to move out of my apartment, you asked me if I wanted to move in with you and that every time we have lived apart we still end up back together.
I love the fact that my family loves you. They simply adore you and it makes me so very happy that you have embraced them. Thank you for allowing me into your family as well and allowing me to love them.
I love the fact that our Sunday afternoons are generally lazy and full of “do nothings”. It’s a wonderful feeling to have time set aside where you don’t have to worry about anything and you have someone you love so very much there with you.
I love the fact that I got to write this letter to you. It brought back so many memories and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. I feel that anything is possible when we face it together and I know we are going to have a very bright and productive future. Than k you for loving me and for allowing me to love you and may God continue to send his blessings down upon us.

All My Love,
Chad

GIGOLO GLITTER

Think your so phat
With your cute dumb hat
Deluded You
Your lack of real youth
Prevents all that
Dumb mother fucker
Captured Sucker
Glitter and Sparkle
Sour and Tart
Like Apple Pucker
Lacking Respect
I truly suspect
My inner prick
Becoming a mess
A toy project
Puking out a lie
Just a bad guy
Stupid silly Me
Priorities!
Don’t know how to cry
A sense of charm
Does a lot of harm
Changing your faith
So easy a road
Leaving the Farm
All of this is Fake
Eating your cake
Suffer the child
Forgotten boy
Making your mistakes
So begins You
Silly Little Moe
Just Like a Hoe
Going down so low
American Gigolo

SKIPPING ROCKS IN THE MORNING

It is written in the Christian Bible that the Devil once approached Christ in an attempt to persuade Christ to choose a path that would have served only the self interest of the Lord. Christ had been weakened and was severely famished after walking through his wilderness for forty days. The Devil tried to persuade Him that Christ should think of only himself and that the rewards for these selfish thoughts would be great. He would not need to suffer the consequences of the action of humans that were bound to forsake Him. There was no need for Him to go hungry and He would still be given power upon the nations of the world if he took the advice presented by the Devil. Christ rebuked the Devil’s claims for His mindset was about the choices He made not only effected Him but His choices had consequences for every single person. He thought of society and how the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the One. (Luke: Chapter 4: The Temptation of Jesus)
This was the lesson taught today in service and I took the afternoon to reflect more on it. There is a realization in me that every choice we make doesn’t just concern us as individuals. Every individual choice has a consequences that sends a ripple effect outward from us. In the “Gospel of Choice” I talk about how I feel that each of us in connected. I am connected as much to a person in India as I am connected to my own mother. Therefore every decision I make in my own life might somehow manage to influence the complete stranger that is far more connected to me than I realize. So now is the time to start thinking how my own actions might help or damage those around me. I believe when a person starts thinking this way it gives them a sense of great responsibility and therefore are more likely to make the right decisions.
I think back to a time where my only desire was to feel numb and I would take whatever pill presented to me to keep the balance of numbness in my mind. I didn’t want to feel anything and I had no desire to allow any type of emotions to stir inside of me. It was during this time that I would have random sex with anyone I might come across. Love was something that was thrown to the side as lust was a safer bet that I wouldn’t get hurt. I enjoyed doing this and I thought only how my own desires needed to be fulfilled. I didn’t care about what other people thought of my actions because I was only concerned with my own dick. I became a person that thought if people treated me as nothing more than a plaything then I might as well do the same thing to all of them. This choice was a result from another person’s choice… a complete stranger that made the decision to take love out of their sexual encounters and treat sex like a contact sport. I now understand that the person who treated me like a simple toy and lacked whatever respect for me did so because at some point someone had done the same thing to them. So to avoid getting hurt again they decided to adapt to those that had hurt them already so they would not feel the pain of rejection and the result of those decisions eventually trickled down to me. I might never fully understand the consequences of my actions upon other people but I do have a sense that there was a ripple effect on the people in my life that I care about and God only knows how it affected those that I don‘t personally know yet still deeply connected too.
Breaking this cycle is tough and it takes so much to start changing our own actions however I truly believe it’s in human nature to constantly improve and better ourselves. That desire to do so is never lost; it might be buried deep down underneath the hopelessness that we begin to collect over the course of our youth but it is never lost. I also believe in order to break any negative cycles in any person’s life it must be approached with small steps. It takes consistency to break bad habits and making small goals to change big cycles will build that consistency. I think if each of us begin to start thinking from the perspective that are choices, decisions, and actions affect those around us we will begin to make better and healthier choices that are build on the foundations of responsibility. The result to this will be a society that is that much better than what is has been before.
I also realize that my good choices have also had a ripple affect. When I made the decision to start caring and loving my mind and body by eating right, working out, and expanding my mind in knowledge and experience; I then saw other people that began to take notice of my choices and that influences their own decision making. I made these choices not just for myself but for those around me. Our own personal decisions really do start spreading out from us and that can be a great and powerful experience. When we start respecting and honoring ourselves and start leading my example then that message spreads and we will start seeing a society built out of respect and love based on choices that are made while thinking of each other as a whole. Imagine a world where some one had made a positive choice that persuaded Adolf Hitler to start caring how his own choices affected those around him. Imagine what we would be like if that one person who had the ability to influence Hitler had done so in a positive light instead of making choices that influenced decisions that eventually lead to the murder of millions of people. Imagine what greatness we still could have seen from people like John Lennon if positive choices and decisions had influenced his would be killer. It is in our history from the events that took place around the life of Christ to the events that are taking place today that we must learn to cherish and value every choice we make because those choices, in turn, leads to a better understanding and respect for humanity as a whole.

AND THEN THERE'S LOVE

And though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels,
But have not loved, I am but a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysterious
And all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could move mountains
But have not loved, I am nothing.
And though I give away all of my possessions and I hand over my body so that I may boast,
But have not loved, it profits me nothing.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love does not envy.
Love is not boastful, arrogant, or rude.
Love does not insist on it’s own way.
Love is not irritable.
Love is not resentful.
Love does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.
Love will never fail.

But as for prophecies, they will cease.
As for tongues, they will come to an end.
As for knowledge, it will vanish away.

For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part.
But when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end.
When I was a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became an adult, I put away childish ways.
For now we see in the mirror, dimly, but then face to face.
Now I know only in part, then I will know fully even as I have been fully known.
And now always abide by these three things…
Faith, Hope, and Love
But the greatest of these will always be Love.

I Corinthians: 13

This verse as always been very important because love is what connects us all together. It’s so important that we love one another, we respect one another, and we cherish one another because without this connection to each other we are nothing. Love comes to each of us in surprising and unexpected ways and sometimes we don’t see it clearly and we hesitate to embrace it. Throughout everything that I have experience in my own life I have always strived to embrace love in all it’s forms. I truly believe that it’s the one gift given to us by God to weather every storm that may approach us. There are moments in our lives when we somehow manage to take some very dark paths. These are the times when love is the one and only thing that we possess to light our own way.

I have not always followed the path of virtue but it’s a path that I proudly own and my hope is that others will learn from my own experiences. Each lesson that is taught truly does have a ripple effect that can spread throughout our society making it better than ever before. This is the best part of human nature and human compassion. I truly believe that we do not make mistakes in our lives but we rather experience lessons. Quite often we experience very hard lessons that can be brought upon ourselves but we should always claim them as our own. Each lesson makes us a better person, each lesson gives us the drive to become that better being, and each lesson gives us a deeper respect for the concept of love. It’s these lessons that bring us closer to ourselves and closer to love. So I urge everyone to embrace who they are and use your own experiences, both right and wrong, to become more than you ever expected and always remember…

Let love guide your way.

THE ERECTION OF UNCLE SAM

Two days after the Circus Clown had left I heard from mutual friends that he was dating someone else and had very easily adapted to being single once again. This frustrated me a bit due to the feeling that he felt nothing or little about our relationship but at the same time it wasn’t totally unexpected coming from the type of person the clown was. I on the other hand began a period of remorse and reflection on our relationship that really brought me into a state of depression. October quickly turned to November and then December came and I was still in a state of morning. I was a complete zombie through these many weeks and I didn’t feel much of anything inside of me. I would go to work then go to class and come home and watch television. My time with my friends was very limited as I refuse to face the reality that I could be an individual once again.
A couple of weeks before Christmas an old friend of mine wanted to spend the weekend up at my place. She had recently started dating a girl and wanted to introduce her to me. We had had this planned for sometime now and a couple of days before my friend was suppose to come she called me to let me know that she didn’t think she was going to make it. Her new girlfriend’s X boyfriend was on leave from the Army and was staying with them. He was adjusting to the fact that his ex was dating another woman but they had remained friendly even after their breakup. I told my friend that he was welcomed to come along and that I had plenty of room for all of them. We could rent movies, hang out and drink. So a couple of days later the threesome arrived at my place for some weekend fun.
I had really been looking forward to my friend’s visit because I felt that I was disconnecting from people recently and I was attempting to reestablish my connections. I was in the midst of another depressive episode when they arrived and I found that they greatly enhanced my mood. My friend introduced me to her new girlfriend and then they both introduced me to their companion, The Army Boi. He had been serving overseas and was back for a ten day leave visiting his family and friends. I shook his hand and told him I was glad he could spend the weekend with us. He had a great smile and hick type sense of humor. I also noticed that he had a nice bubble butt, a butt so nice that I had to force myself not to look at it, so I wouldn’t make him feel uncomfortable. He talked a lot about guy stuff and was proud of his time in the army. I made it a point to make sure he was comfortable during his stay since he didn’t have much experience being around different types of people.
The four of us talked for the longest time, catching up on old times and telling new stories of events that had happened since the last time my friend and I had seen each other. We then started drinking and watching films as the lesbian couple sat and cuddled on the sofa and The Army Boi and I sat on the couch with a couple of extra feet between us. As the night worn on the couple decided that they were ready for bed and I sent them towards my bedroom. I told them they could sleep in there while the Army Boi and I took the couches. So they retreated and the Army Boi and I continued drinking and talking about our lives. I told him of my recent disaster of a relationship and he told me about the many girls he had gone through. The next couple of hours was a bit of a “guys night out” for us.
At some point in the night we started talking about sex and he asked me what it was like to be gay. I told him I thought of myself as bisexual only because their were some women I was attracted too and I had been with a couple of women since I had come out. He then asked me how kissing a guy was different from kissing a woman and I told him it was basically the same just perhaps a little rougher. We both laughed and then we somehow manage to start talking about his penis. Joking about the size of his manhood and things of that nature. I don’t quite remember how it came to this point but for some reason he had to show me his dick to prove some long forgotten point. He unzipped his jeans and took out his dick as I reached my hand over to touch it.
I started jacking the Army Boi off as our eyes stared at each other. He instantly started to moan as he took his hand and grabbed the side of my face nudging me towards his own. Our lips met as we aggressively started kissing and grabbing onto each other forcing our lips even harder upon each other. I ripped at his jeans pulling them off as fast as I could and he ripped at my clothes as they fell completely off of us. I guided us to the floor where we got down on our knees and began touching each other all over our exposed bodies. I leaned him down on his back as we began fucking several times throughout the night. The morning light was beginning to show when we eventually fell asleep, holding each other tightly in our arms and for the first time that night I didn’t dream about the horrors of the Circus Clown.
The next morning I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. The Army Boi and I were still holding tightly to each other and we both were nude underneath the blanket that covered us. I knew my friend was coming down and I wasn’t sure if I should get up and run or just keep still and let things flow. I chose the latter and within moments I could hear a whispered “oh my God.” and immediately she went back up the stairs to grab her companion. The Army Boi was also awake and he smiled as he heard the gossip of the couple upstairs. We both put our heads underneath the covers as the girls came running down the stairs to investigate what was going on between us.
“There is no way that they are naked underneath there” I heard one say while the other begged to “check and see, check and see!” I felt the covers begin to lift at our feet as both girls screamed at the realization of the events that had taken place between the Army Boi and I. “OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!” were the only words that my friend could spit out of her mouth while Army Boi and I began to laugh. We lifted ourselves out from underneath the blanket as we explained the events that had taken place between us as both girls looked on in astonishment. It was soon joked about that I was able to convert any “straight” guy but realistically not even I have that kind of power.
Throughout the rest of the weekend the Army Boi and I continued are little serenade leaving behind all of our troubles from our “real” life but when Sunday came, our little fantasy life also came to an end. He gave me his sweatshirt as a memento of the occasion as my friends piled up in their car to leave. I stood in the driveway as they began to pull out into the street and begin their journey home. I waved goodbye, smiling at the Army Boi, knowing in that moment that I would never see him again. That within itself was okay. I will always be grateful to the Army Boi because he showed me that I would be able to feel things again and that one day I would be happy. I didn’t need anybody to define me ; I would always be my own individual, and yes, there would be times ahead that I would stumble and even take a few steps back, but I knew I would eventually get to that place where I needed to be.

THE CIRCUS CLOWN: PART 2

The price of being horny and thinking only with your dick creates consequences that do send ripple affects throughout your lifetime. Who knew that one simple fuck would be heavy chains laid upon me for so long. I simply wanted to have sex with this guy and I brought him home to do that. I wanted to feel that release and then the next morning we would both go our separate ways. This Circus Clown was a sly mother fucker however and he somehow managed to rope me in for the most part over the next few years. He didn’t go home the next morning at all as he seemed to just dwell day in and day out in the confounds of my life.
I ignored the warning signs and there were many warning signs! Most of my friends didn’t like him and most of them thought he was self centered. I even thought he was self centered but I also thought his good qualities outweighed his bad ones. The few friends that were attracted to him were captured by his charisma and charm. He had a good nature feeling about him along with a welcoming smile and face. Excellent traits for a predator on the hunt! Those that were won over by him eventually saw him for who he really was and they warned me about what really lied beneath the clown’s makeup. My response to them was that I knew him more than most and I understood him more than most.
My response from my family was “what the hell…” Most of them saw him for an attention grabbing whore and the needs of the clown outweighed the needs of the many. The biggest issue that my family had against the clown was the amount of time he demanded from me. We would both attend holidays with both of our families but I found that over a period of time our visits to my family became less and less as more attention was focused on his family. During Christmas, we would spend a couple of hours, at the most, visiting my parents house as the rest of the day was devoted to his family. His family had a very different take on the type of person that I was… a couple of them embraced me while others treated me like a thorn. There were many times that some of his family members would make me feel very uncomfortable. Even though my family didn’t understand why I was with the Circus Clown at least they welcomed him into their home and treated them with respect. I can see how the Circus Clown was molded as a child to grow up into this class act. Through all of this I began to realize that there was absolutely no balance in this very unbalanced relationship.
For the most part, the Circus Clown didn’t work throughout our relationship and the financial burden of living feel on my shoulders. I found myself in arguments over this topic several times over the course of our relationship and at some point I just became to tired to fight on the same old topic day in and day out. To add insult to injury, the Circus Clown was dirty. Dishes were rarely done and the lack of housecleaning began to build up over time. I was working a fulltime job and would always be taking a couple of college classes during our time together and rarely would he find time throughout his day to keep our home clean. Dirty dishes would be left on the floor, he would get the desire to paint and leave all of his materials spread out on the floor for days if not weeks at a time. The trash would always be in a state of overflow that would generally spread throughout the kitchen floor. I would come home to this and see that this house represented the state of my life. Our house and my life were slowly falling apart.
There was a clear lack of respect in our relationship and especially for me. If any part of my life intruded on his plans then a fight would ensue. There was absolutely no compromise when it came to his ideology on how our night was going to go compared to how I wanted things to go. If I wanted to stay in and watch a movie on a Tuesday night and he wanted to go out with friends then we would fight until he got his way even though he knew I would have to work in the morning. I would then want to be back home by eleven only for it to get pushed till two. I eventually became the fool who allowed him to have his own way all the time without any regard to myself. I worked a Monday through Friday, seven to five job while the clown filled his days by hanging out with friends. He would bring home his audience throughout the night and several times we would have people showing up at our house in the early morning hours. The Circus Clown would entertain their every need all hours of the night while I laid in our bed unable to sleep from the music and clattering of the people downstairs. The stress that was brought by my lack of sleep only made our fights much worse.
That very first day when the Circus Clown didn’t go home after our little one night fuck, our relationship began to develop quite the poisonous atmosphere. As these poisons began to build up over a period of time it became harder for me to breath until one day everything exploded. The Circus Clown had called me at work and told me that he was spending the day cleaning the house, I recall that we had an argument the night before on how bad things were getting around the house and I wasn’t able to keep up with cleaning after him and his friends with my work schedule and classes. I got home that evening about eight o’clock and grabbed my books and work materials from the car. I walked into the house with my arms full to the Circus Clown screaming at the top of his lungs that I was walking on his still wet floor. I leaped to the staircase but the damage was already done. The clown went ballistic! All I heard from him was how I ruined his entire day and how he slaved to get our house clean. He just went on and on screaming while I put my things away up stairs. I came down to face him a few minutes later…
“Fuck You! I’m fucking done with you! I’m sick of your fucking mouth!” and with that I walked out the door and got into my car and drove off. I drove around town for about a hour to cool off and collect myself and when I got back the Circus Clown was packing a bag. He was going to stay with his family for a couple of days. We really didn’t say much of anything and he left and I went to bed. The next morning he called me at work and asked if it was okay if he came home to get his stuff, he was going to move back home. I told him I didn’t mean to indicate that he had to move out but he said he thought it was for the best. I didn’t argue his point because I knew he was right. I thought for a moment how it seemed that things were going to end quietly and I felt relief that it was finally coming to an end. How wrong I would be!
I got home that night and opened my front door to a disaster area. My house had been utterly rampaged. I had recently bought a 250 dollar cherry oak entertainment center for the living room and it was in 20 pieces all over the living room floor. Every cabinet in the kitchen was wide open and things were tossed around on the floor. Many of the rustic signs that I had collected were taken off the wall and scattered about. Every room in the house had been gone through, he took the things that were his and tossed things that were mine onto the floor. I started to cry… I couldn’t stop crying, it was the only thing left to do. I called Summer and asked her to come to the house and when she arrived she was in complete shock. She had befriended the Circus Clown and was one of the few who had been won over by his charisma and she couldn’t believe the disaster that he left our home in. We spent the next couple of hours picking up the pieces as I tried to determine how I was going to manage my life without the Circus Clown in it. I had lost my own identity and it was going to take all I had to find myself again.

OUR HARD CHOICE

When the human race is faced with a choice of doing what is right or what is easy... I find that we much to often take the easy path to avoid the hardships of the right choices. It is in our nature to only deal with the “here and now” and ignore the more pressing issues that will determine the fate of our species. In the meantime, while we are making these easy choices, we hope and pray that the consequences of these decisions will not be severe enough that we won’t be able to overcome them. We treat our fragile future like a simple card game, thinking that we might have some really good cards but not knowing what lies in our opponent’s hand. So we take bets and hope that we come out on top, ignoring every single warning sign that our opponent is in fact, not bluffing. We tend to talk about problems that are facing us as a society but this most important conversation usually just ends up going nowhere. Talk without the prospect of action is the Washington Way. Our government's lack of inaction brought on by the billions of dollars spent by corporations to keep us in a state of utter confusion has caused a serious stalemate on some of the most important issues to face this planet.
Most people know that one of my best friends on this planet is a nature loving, wolf protecting, deer feeding, liberal tree hugger and I wouldn’t have her any other way! Summer is a student at Southern Illinois University at Carbondale majoring in Zoology and Environmental Studies. She has played a major influence on how I view the environment and she is the reason why I turn off the water while I’m brushing my teeth. I estimate that her constant nagging on this topic has saved more than 6,000 gallons of water over the past few years and I do mean this in the most literal sense. Summer recently wrote a piece discussing the dilemma so many of us face: What else can we do to protect this Earth without giving up the basics of human survival that we have become so spoiled too? Electricity, coal, oil, even our homes are created by the destruction of trees, mountains, oceans, and land. It’s a simple fact that it’s almost impossible to protect the environment without some type of major sacrifice on the part of the human species. So the only clear answer here is to find a balanced solution. A balance between the organic and the technological aspects of our lives.
I don’t know what this balance could be and I know it’s not going to be discovered overnight, but I do know that we must start making choices now that will lead us to the environmental promise land. Choices that will take us another step closer to a solution to the global ecological crisis. There are powerful individuals that resist the prospect of change and they continue to throw their support behind the status quo which only serves their own political agendas. Each of us need to start taking an active part in this environmental crisis and that begins with small individual changes to a full grassroots political front that will change the inaction of Washington D.C. The clock is ticking and our time is running out.
My fear is that we will continue to lack the political motivation to deal with the hardships of the right choice and as time goes on, the era of quick fixes will continue. This is an scenario of the future that I see on our current path and it’s a future that scares me: The oil rich countries of the Middle East announce that the billions upon billions of barrels of oil that we have relied upon for decades is coming to an end. Less produce has driven the world markets into a fiscal crash causing international conflicts throughout the globe. In response to the global crisis and the propaganda created by the oil companies, the United States announces new drilling in the Artic National Wildlife Reserve to keep the cost of oil down along with several new drills throughout the country and seaboards. These corporations will manipulate public opinion and make the masses believe that opening the ANWR will be the answer in solving the global economical meltdown. Environmentalist will cry foul but their cries will be overshadowed by the fact that our human nature gravitates towards the quick fix and the corporate propaganda machine will have their way once again; for they will be the only ones to profit from this disaster.
They will argue that opening the ANWR will give the time to come up with an alternate solution but the procrastination that we are seeing at this very moment in history will also take place throughout any future drilling in the Artic National Wildlife Reserve. We must take action now to prevent corporations from using these “backup plans” that will only leave our planet more devastated even if it means choosing between the lesser of two evils. We’re not going to be able to save everything and we are going to continue to damage some aspects of the environment with our waste but we can choose a path that will lead us in finding a solution and a balance between the environment and technology. We can either prevent or delay a global meltdown by making the right choices now and leaving behind the oil reliance society that we have become. To do this requires a sense of urgency without an impending global disaster, walking away from the political stalemates of our governments and the agendas of self interest groups. Joining together now in action will make all the difference in saving this planet. The choice is yours.

JESUS AND THE PIGSKIN

This writing is sponsored by: The Free Tibet Movement

In 2004, The United Church of Christ sought to have advertising time on CBS, however the Network denied the “Jesus Didn’t Turn People Away. Neither Do We.” ad due to it’s position on a controversial public issue. CBS stated that the ad promoted same sex marriage and that the network had “a longstanding policy of not accepting advocacy advertising”. The United Church of Christ countered that the ad did indeed display a same sex couple along with an African American couple, Caucasian couple, Senior Citizens, women, and handicap individuals with the intended purpose that every individual were welcome in their establishments. The United Church of Christ later appealed CBS’s decision with the Federal Communications Commission but the appeal was dismissed.

Commercial Break: This writing is brought to you by followers of Charles Manson

I do understand that many of the network try to maintain journalistic neutrality and they use this system to avoid any type of controversial advertising. However, in 2010 , CBS allowed “Focus on the Family”, a conservative religious organization to buy advertising time during the Super Bowl that will feature Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Tim Tebow. The ad will supposedly show Tebow and his mother discussing the time when she became ill during her pregnancy and was told that she should abort. She then goes on to say that she made the decision not to follow the advice and the result was a celebration of life. The ad is said to have a clear position on the pro-life stance on the abortion issue.

Commercial Break: This writing is brought to you by followers of Jesus Christ

I don’t have a problem with this ad nor do I take issue with “Focus on the Family” airing an ad of this nature on CBS. I support different ideologies and I’m a strong advocate for the first amendment which everyone has a right to claim for themselves. I appreciate the fact that “Focus on the Family” has the opportunity to air an anti-abortion ad because it is their free speech right. I DO HOWEVER have a problem with CBS discriminating against a religious institution because of it’s more liberal views. Discriminating against one religious institution by giving favor to another is hypercritical, biased, and a violation of the first amendment.

Commercial Break: This writing is brought to you by “GOD Hates FAGS” and the “KKK”

It appears that CBS has made the decision to allow the ad by rebuking their own stance on advocacy advertising which indicates that any number of groups should be allowed to buy advertising time during the Super Bowl. Pro-Life and Pro Choice groups, supporters of gay marriage and their opponents, along with any religious institution that would like to appeal to the millions that watch the Super Bowl every single year. There’s an danger to this decision by CBS that could lead to a very unbalanced media empire. Opening the doors to advocacy advertising will not only open the doors to the countless lawsuits against CBS from those organizations that are denied ad time, but it will polarize the network as they loose credentials as an news organization and loose viewers to it’s apparent public stance on every controversial issue that faces this country.

Commercial Break: This writing is brought to you by Marriage Equality

My advice to CBS is simple. They can either go one way or the other with this, but they either need to keep their journalistic neutrality and hold up their ban against any type of advocacy advertising; or put an halt to discrimination against any institution due to their religious, conservative, or liberal views. Taking the latter however would open the door to many more problems for the network as both right and left wing nut jobs prepare their ads that could insinuate hateful lyric and discrimination against all types of minorities in this country. The network has a responsibility to the public and to it’s own programming from falling into a media driven debate by it’s own ill choices.

This writing is brought to you by the Group to overturn Roe V Wade

THE ISOLATION OF WRITERS

J.D. Salinger, author of “The Catcher in the Rye” died on January 27, 2010 in his home at Cornish, New Hampshire. Salinger was known not only for his famous novel that became a tool in surviving the adolescent years, but also for his reclusive lifestyle. Salinger would go through long periods of time without contact with individuals and for the most part after 1980, he shunned any type of public interview and retreated to his home where he remained quietly until his death.
Writers are known for their reclusive and private ways. Modern day writers such as Stephen King and Dean Koontz rarely commit to long term publicity tours surrounding their books and many writers like Thomas Harris, author of “The Silence of the Lambs” would prefer to be left alone altogether. Yet their work gives them an all intriguing and mysterious factor to their stature , therefore public interest into the lives of these famous authors have and will continue over the course of their lifetimes.
My grandmother would have the tendency to talk to my mother about my own reclusive nature. There was a time when I lived with my grandmother while I was reorganizing my life and she would constantly come to my bedroom door to check up on my well being. She would always ask if everything was okay or if something was wrong, which in my mind, it was a bit of an annoyance because everything was alright with me. I could see from her perspective why she felt like I could be depressed and withdrawn from the world but from my own mind, thoughts and ideas are coming at me and I needed time alone to process them. There are times where I will retreat to my bedroom and stay within the compounds of my bedroom walls for days at a time. These are usually periods for me where I can recharge and self focus to determine where I need to direct my energies. People often fear that I am suffering from depression during these times but for me it’s really a time of growth and reflection. I do tend to write more often when I am left alone to deal with the world that is taking place inside my head and writing, for me, is a tool that I use to bring some type of order to the chaos of ideas that are flowing through my mind.
I also understand the point that I have given people reasons to be concern about my mental status. I have dealt with depression for the most part of my twenties and I have used drugs to escape the feelings of isolation and loneliness. There was a period in my twenties where the only feeling that I strived for was the lack thereof. Numbness was the key to getting through each and every day. However, like everything under heaven, there is a season for everything and those seasons do pass for each of us in their own way.
There is nothing more fulfilling to me than locking myself in my apartment for a few days wearing nothing but my superman pajamas, eating chocolate chip cookies and milk , and having my laptop in my lap. My thoughts seem to flow better when I isolate myself and I can see certain ideas from different perspectives when I do this. I can ask myself questions and I can even role play if I need a different type of answer. I do have a tendency to talk to myself and even worst I sometimes talk to myself using a different voice just so I can get that different perspective. Some people might label this as crazy but for me, it’s a tool that keeps me sane. Much like love and hate, there is a very thin line to what is normal and crazy. I really believe that the best of human beings are able to walk more so on the crazy side of that line.
So this is the reason why I enjoy writing and why I sometimes enjoy isolating myself… it’s simply a release! It gives me a satisfaction that I can think for myself and expressed to those around me what I am free to just be and to speak. I take strong pride in my individuality and nothing makes me feel better knowing that I am one and unique. I can write about anything and I tend to make certain controversial stances on issues but it’s something I love to do. Yes, I contradict myself a lot and my opinions can change over a period of time but they are my own and even if I don’t agree with them later on, they are still mine. This is a gift to myself when I become the hermit that I sometimes can be. I understand J.D. Salinger’s need to hide himself from society. I know how much fun it can be living in your own world… I know it helps me to cope with everything that this planet has to deal with. So for all the J.D. Salingers out there…. Value the time you have in your worlds and grow from those experiences… if you’re a writer…. Then write! If you’re an actor…. Then act! If you’re a singer… then sing… Just remember to come out of your world every once in a while to say hi and to show us what you’ve accomplished. It’s these accomplishments that are our art and it’s art that shows our humanity.

ON OUR DEATHBED CONFESSION

I can feel frustration dwelling in the back of my mind that has constantly been stirring and pushing it’s way to the forefront of my thoughts over the past few months. I am sitting Indian style with my laptop in my lap and a cup of hot coco to my right. I’ve been adding some hot cinnamon schnapps to my coco to add a little kick… okay… let’s be honest here… I’ve been adding a little coco to the hot cinnamon schnapps. It’s gotten me to a place where I can write about an issue that has been bothering me of late and that was the entire purpose of getting a little tipsy which usually means I‘m also little ballsy. This can be a good thing or a straight up bad thing… whatever it is… it’s a confession.
I of course, will try and retain some gentleman posture here and not directly attack this individual because I don’t want to hurt this person even though I feel like this individual has been hurting me. So, as you have figured out I am angry at somebody… somebody that I love greatly and have shared a strong connection with over many years of my life. Our relationship has seen ups and downs and we have gone through many obstacles and accomplished many things together. We have touched each other in many ways and have experienced many different types of human connections throughout the years that we have known each other. We became family to each other and with that comes a certain degree of responsibility and obligation to each other. We have both been there for each other through losses and gains and I’ve always felt that I could count on this individual to back me up, but at some point along our road, we lost our connection, we lost the ability to talk to each other, we lost our wings. I don’t think there was one major issue that overcame us and severely strained our friendship even though I wish it was just one major issue. I could focus my energy onto that one issue, understand it, and then simply overcome it. Unfortunately, in the real world, when a friendship begins to decay, it usually is the result of several smaller issues that spread like an unseen disease.
We have both been divided my distance, our adulthood has flourished in separate places but we have been separated before and it didn’t impact our relationship the way distance is doing to us now. What’s more bothersome about this aspect is that we live in a much smaller world than we did twenty years ago. It seems, no matter where you go on this planet, a person is still able to maintain contact with family and friends. Cell phones, social networking sites, letters, text, and video messages keep us connected more to each other than ever before in human history. Yet we find ourselves not taking advantage of these things. It’s been almost nine months since I’ve talked to this person on the phone. I’ve tried calling this individual several times over a period of months and the phone would be left unanswered. I would usually get a text after a phone call that stated that they were to busy, that they were in a middle of a movie, or out shopping at Wal Mart, or my favorite line being that they get horrible reception. So the phone calls from my end of this ceased… then two months ago, the text messages ceased as well.
This is where I start getting pissed. Why is it that difficult to pick a fucking phone to call a life long friend? I don’t give a flying fuck if it’s just a three minute conversation on a bloody Sunday afternoon. A simple phone call shows that the person cares and they care enough to check up on how things are going. If gives us a better connection to each other rather than hearing impersonalized twitter updates. I know this individual doesn’t ignore calls from his mother or from other family members, I know this person takes calls from other people so why can’t this individual respect our friendship enough to take a few minutes out of his apparently busy schedule every week to catch up. Is it not a responsibility that we both must retain to keep our friendship from suffering unnecessary consequences? This person went through an ordeal almost a year ago and I had to hear about it from a family member because this individual wasn’t able to call and talk to me. So the questions must be posed… What got this individual to this point? Why has the friendship between us suffered? Did something happen between them that wasn’t right? Was there a fight between them? Did one offend the other? I can’t answer any of these questions without hearing the individual’s side of things. It seems that overnight, the Berlin Wall went up, and now there is the possibility that we might be separated for a long time.
Besides the fact that distance has separated us we both began falling in love with other people. We both started making new contacts and friendships along the way which is a very natural part of life. We both made choices to spend our lives with men that we love and we have both chosen to focus on these people that we hold so tightly to our hearts. Does this prevent us from being there for each other and being responsible for maintaining our friendship? It shouldn’t at all but then why do I feel that over the past year I have become a distraction that needs to be swept under the rug every time I try making contact with this person? I know in my heart that the individual cares about me but logically I feel that he is treating our friendship like shit.
Perhaps I should take the high road and try calling this person again… Perhaps I’m the one that should make the first move even after the connection between us as been lost for the past few months. I’m going to call one last time and I’m going to reach out, and I’m going to pray that this person responds… I just need a glass of water first because now I’m nervous….
I just called and the only thing I got was his voice message… “Hi… This is so and so… Leave a message.” It’s funny that the only time I get to hear my friend’s voice is through an answering machine. Am I surprise that the individual didn’t answer my call? Not really? I expected it as much, it would have been more of a surprise if the individual would have answered. I’ve been sitting here for a few moments thinking about my friend and I don’t really feel angry anymore but rather sad. I’m sad for my friend because for some reason this individual is unable to be responsible enough to help hold up our relationship. Our lifelong conversation is nothing more than a whisper and with each passing day, that whisper becomes more faded. What are the barriers that are blocking us from reaching out to each other?
At least I got my feeling on the matter out of my head. I wish I had a resolution to these thoughts that are coming down upon this paper but I don’t think this is the end of the story… I refuse to believe that after twenty years of friendship that it’s going to end quietly and fade into that good night. Can friendship ever really die? I really don’t have the answer to this but perhaps my friend will somehow read this and give me a good answer. A flashback just crossed my mind… We were teenagers breaking into an empty house pretending that the house was ours. We would discuss on where we would put things and how we would decorate and design the many rooms of the empty house; all the while we dreamed that one of us would be a photographer in Los Angeles while the other would be a writer in New York City. Those were the day dreams that we shared, dreams of us being close and apart Our lives didn’t quite pan out on what we thought they were going to be like when we were sixteen but it’s still nice to reflect on memories like this because it makes me feel closer to my friend during this time that this individual has pulled away. It’s thoughts like this that makes me feel that our friendship cannot die… it can just lay in a coma on life support for a very long time.
Shortly after the moment I wrote the last line “it can just lay in a coma on life support for a very long time”, my friend finally returned my call. For a few seconds I was overwhelmed because it had been so long since I had heard his voice but it seemed we picked up back on where we left off. He told me that he wasn’t sure why we went through these periods of time where we didn’t connect much but we both agreed that we would work on keeping each other in focus. I did miss him and it was refreshing to hear him talk to me about his life and his family. He has the tendency to always remind me that I can do amazing things and I hope that he feels the same way. So I guess my question was answered… friendship doesn’t die… but at least my best friend, Jason and I are finally out of the ICU.

A DECADE OF POETIC POLITICS

Oh, the “hanging chad” that stung us like a bee
Dumping our boy from the blue grass of Tennessee
The court crowning her favorite color of Red
Placing blame on Green for them losing by a thread.

Tuesday came showing us ravens in the sky
New Jerusalem crumpled straight down from on high
Heartache and loss taken advantage by some
As the patriot pounded it’s uncivil drum.

O’George, you promised no child left behind
You really think the masses were completely blind
A war continued in search of evil kings
Anaconda lashed out by the Eagle’s strong wings.

The Burning Bush that dances the Masquerade
Carelessly tossing about our mighty grenade
Proclaiming the right of the shock and awe campaign
By the devil’s claw, establishing our domain.

A proclamation that gays were Hitler’s Jews
Eleven acts that kept them from walking down pews
Ketchup tried to unseat the Texas Cowboy
Only to fail by his propaganda decoy.

A city that drowned by wrath of Katrina
Lacking hope, trapped in a damaged sport’s arena
Salvation and grace came by friends of Sean Penn
The cowboy’s polls crumbled. Can I hear an Amen?

Israel fights those who seek her to falter
Red continues his support high from his alter
The year ends with the hangman’s final judgment
For crimes he committed; brought by his resentment.

An “Axis of Evil” gave signs of false hope
As some wondered if the Cowboy had smoked some dope
The world showed signs of a fast downward fall
As gun shots rang out when Buddha was standing tall .

She strongly hammered in eighteen million cracks
He knocked out Alaska and those moose killing whacks
Hope and change brings the end to the Cowboy’s reign
As the value of everything went down the drain.

Healthcare began it’s long tumble from the top
As most paid more attention to the “King of Pop”
Jobs losses grew, plunging the average man
As this decade ended with Hope’s unstable plan.

INTO THE GREEN FIELDS: PART TWO

There had been several incidents over the past decade that has caused me to doubt the political system that is currently in place. The illusion that I had of the two-party system began to crack open in the fall of 2000 where polls began to show a very tightening race between Vice President Al Gore and Texas Governor George Bush. Hours before the election, NBC Correspondent Tim Russert claimed that the election was going down to “Florida, Florida, Florida!”
Tim Russert’s prediction would live in infamy. Based on exit polling, the networks called Florida early in the night for Gore but something was happening in Florida that the networks had overlooked. First, the Florida panhandle was in a different time zone and votes were still coming into the state’s tally. Secondly, the networks discovered that the exist polling that had been done was not matching the actual results coming out of Florida. Clearly the race was to close to call as the embarrassed Networks recanted the call for Florida and placed it back in the “to close to call” category. The situation only got worst from there, the networks, late in the night, gave Florida to Bush and then again had to recant leaving the election unresolved the morning after.
270 is the number that the electoral college mandates that an candidate must obtain to win the Presidential Election. Al Gore had 255 votes compared to George Bush’s 246 votes with Oregon and New Mexico still too close to call. So it came down to whoever won the state of Florida would win the presidency. A legal battle for Florida’s 25 electoral votes began hours after the election as both sides fought to claim the Florida crown. The back and forth squabbling made “hanging chads” and “dimpled chads” a political sex joke and Florida’s Secretary of State Katharine Harris became a political 2000 election icon. Ultimately it was the United States Supreme Court that stepped in that halted the several recounts in Florida in a controversial 5-4 decision that gave Governor Bush the presidency.
Even as Governor Bush claimed the presidency, a clear rift had form in my mind of the United States political system. The state of Florida had given their crown to Bush but something else bothered me greatly, for Al Gore had received 543,895 more votes nationwide; he had clearly taken the popular vote count. The electoral college had floundered and true democracy was not represented in the 2000 Presidential Election.
In 2002 I began volunteering, through the Victory Fund, for the campaign of Rod Blagojevich. I would set in a room making phone calls on behave of Rod, letting the citizens of Illinois know how he would fight for the working class, he would end corruption that had plagued the governor’s seat in recent years, and he would bring about economical change to the state. Rod was the guy to get these things accomplished! I would attend political events sporadically through the fall in support of Rod, who was the candidate that I believed in. Rod Blagojevich became the first Democrat to be elected to the governor’s seat in Illinois since 1972. His victory was filled with promise for the State of Illinois.
Illusions can really cast their shadows… On December 9th, 2008 after winning two terms as governor, Rod Blagojevich was arrested on federal corruption charges which included conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud and the solicitation of bribery. He is accused of trying to sell the senate seat that was once held by President Obama to the highest bidder in what is called “pay to play” politics. Blagojevich was soon impeached and removed from office by the Illinois legislature and barred from ever running for political office in the state of Illinois again.
As well in 20002, I co-founded a College Democrats group at my community college and hosted a “Get to Know the Candidates” with the College Republican group that was on campus. That was the day that I met Sam Cahnman, a guest speaker who was running for the Sangamon County Board. We discussed his campaign and he invited me to join him as his volunteer coordinator. A few weeks into this position and just a couple of days before election day I was working in Sam’s law office going through a list of telephone numbers that needed to be called. My ink pin stopped working and I searched the top of his desk to find another one unsuccessfully. I then opened his left hand drawer to find elicit porn magazines piled on top of each other in his desk. I don’t know why this stunned me so much but I had a feeling that Mr. Cahnman was wearing a mask, pretending to be something that he wasn’t. I left and went home that night and I didn’t go back to his office even after several phone calls by him were left unanswered. He was the only Democrat to win a seat on the Sangamon County Board that year, which he won, a victory made by just one vote.
The day after his election victory, Sam Cahnman faced allegations of sexual misconduct. He allegedly had a romantic encounter with an inmate at the Sangamon County Jailhouse. According the Springfield State Register, the inmate had been arrested after police had found a methamphetamine lab in her home. I was unaware that earlier in the year, Cahnman was restricted by the Illinois Department of Corrections after a staff member accused Cahnman of “touching, hugging, and kissing a woman inmate.” I believe the restriction was lifted after a few months. However, in August of 2009, Sam Cahnman was arrested for allegedly soliciting a sexual act from two undercover female police officers outside a local Springfield bar.
In 2004, John Kerry chose John Edwards to be his running mate to fight the Goliath Republican propaganda of George Bush and Dick Cheney. Sept. 11th had changed the dynamics of the entire world. We were engaged in what was in my view, as a very unjust war in Iraq and our troops in the war in Afghanistan were beginning to be overlooked and forgotten. Political propaganda began flying around on the reasons why the war in Iraq was necessary but I didn’t, I wouldn’t buy into it. I had supported John Edwards during the Primaries but not with the passion that I had during the 2002 elections. I was excited that Kerry chose him to be his running mate and I felt that Edwards had the charisma, the passion, and the ability to bring about change in Washington. However, when election night approached and I found myself being very disengaged in the whole political process. I don’t quite remember but I believe I didn’t even vote in the election.
In the next few years I would feel very disenchanted by our political system. I really didn’t want anything more to do with the political arena and that’s saying a lot since politics has been such a huge part of my life. I’m a self professed news junkie and every since I was that child sitting in front of the television set watching the speeches of Michael Dukakis, I have dwelled in that political world. Election Day was always an exciting time for me and at some point through all of these incidents that involved the Electoral College, Governor Blagojevich, Sam Cahnman and even to the extent of John Edwards I was no longer able to connect with it. Looking back into my twenties and realizing how much a turbulent decade this time period was for me , I realized that without political hope , I was becoming more lost in my own life. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with myself anymore. College became a side chore that acted more like a thorn in my side rather a place to promote my education and my future. I no longer cared about college, I no longer cared about the political system and I was intent on just dwelling day to day without any direction. I felt that no matter what I did, it would not make a difference in the long run. I had put my faith in so many political individuals that had all eventually let me down.
It wasn’t until 2008 that my political ideology began to change and I realized that I had continued to support a political party that was corrupted with the lack of true democracy. I also began to realized that I couldn’t depend on other people to protect my rights, my beliefs, and the issues that I value if I wasn’t going to stand up and fight for them myself. These were all becoming such personal issues, and clearly the path that I had been following for so long was broken. This realization would lead to the decision to leave behind the two-party system. This is when I decided to leave the Democratic Party in search for something else… something more.

THOUGHTS ON THE FACE OF GOD

I’m feeling the need to talk about God. With the recent controversy surrounding the hateful and ignorant comments that Pat Robertson, host of the 700 Club, has made, I feel the need to share my thoughts and perception of what God means to me. I believe in God because I feel in my heart that there is something more that connects everything around us. I look around this earth and I see so many wonderful things about our planet and I feel a deep connection to her. Everything about our planet fits together and I feel a powerful, intimate need to protect and guard our Garden of Eden. Making sure that our ecosystems are clean and undamaged, making sure that we help cut CO2 levels from destroying the atmosphere to simply recycling plastic bottles because I know in my heart that all of this is a part of this fantastic reality created by God. I feel personally responsible that our Earth stays healthy and prosperous because it’s a direct reflection on my relationship with Him. I feel love for him, and I know this, only because there have been moments in my life where I’ve had feelings of anger towards Him, I’ve expressed hatred towards Him, I’ve cursed Him, and I‘ve screamed at the top of my lungs at Him. I truly believe that you can only have these feelings towards anything when, and only when, you actually care and love. These are usually the times where I feel that I am more connected towards Him and it‘s usually when I need Him the most. These raw emotions can only come to surface because I know that I am connected to something greater than myself. I view Him as a father and as a mother, as a friend, as a jokester, and as a companion.
I know that the reality of this connection is more complicated and there are so many questions that people can debate back and forth, which they have done so for thousands of years. Numerous questions arise out of our relationship with God that cannot be clearly answered. Is Jesus Christ the son of God? Is Mohammed the prophet that was touched by the hand of God? Did Buddha truly find enlightenment? Is God really the Goddess of all that is nature? So many people ask these questions and more and more questions are born out of the answers that are given. So I find myself going to the most simple, logical answer to all of these questions. It’s a simple fact that I believe that all of these questions are true and accurate to the believer. There is no reason for these many takes on religion to contradict each other because these contradictions are nothing more than simple illusions. God is what is right and true in your heart. I believe that he shows himself in different forms to the many different people of our earth. I believe our connection to Him is personal and varies by each person. I feel closer to Him through Jesus Christ, through beautiful art and music, and especially through nature. The person standing next to me might feel closer to him through the experience of Mohammad or by the use of a Pagan ritual, both of which, I treat with the utmost respect and through my eyes, are great things.
I count myself as a progressive Christian but I will be the first to admit that I don’t always follow Christian doctrine based on the illusions that these doctrines create. I open my mind to the possibility that the stories of Christ are not entirely known as it is portrayed in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. These books are dear to me but I open myself to other Gospels that include Mary, Judas, Phillip, and Thomas because I feel that each of these Gospels shed a little light and a little perspective on the whole fascinating story of Christ. I also believe that my personal connection with nature is as strong as my connection with Christ because in my heart, I feel that they are one in the same. If the essence of God flowed through the veins of the Christian savior, my heart tells me that his essence flows through the trees, plants, and animals. This is the reason why I value, cherish and adore this Earth… it is the reason why I will continue to fight for what is right by our planet. I also believe that the essence of God flows through each of us and this is the reason why I feel it’s so important that we treat the different cultures of our planet, the different diverse nature of all her people, and the many religions that lay across her globe with respect and gratitude.
God gave us the tool of education so we would have the ability to rise above ignorance and intolerance and embrace the ideologies of different cultures and people. It is through education that we find understanding and our connections with each other become ever much more clearer. My favorite verse from the bible is from the book of First Corinthians, Chapter 13, “Love covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. For now we see in a mirror obscurely, but at that time face to face; now I know in part, but at that time I will fully know even as also I was fully known.” This portrays to me that I can only discover my true meaning and appreciate my own faith by realizing that I am a piece of a very large and diverse puzzle. I can only be understood if I am to understand the many different people of this planet. Education is the key to unlocking the mysterious of our God.
I have sinned and there have been times in my life that I have sinned greatly but that doesn’t mean that God does not live inside of me. From my perspective I feel him flowing through my veins as Christ must have felt his presence inside of Him. This is why it’s so important to me that I take care of myself and truly love myself. I can’t emphasis enough the importance of loving yourself because without that love and respect, I find that it’s hard for other people to love and respect me. I take care of my body like it’s a holy temple, because it’s the one place that my soul will call home for a time. I take care of my mind because it’s the tool that allows my soul to express itself. I take care of my heart, because it’s the tool that allows my soul to spread it’s compassion. I lack perfection and I never will be, there will be times in my life where I will falter, but knowing the essence of God flows through me , allows me the knowledge that I will be able to pick myself back up again. It’s part of the human experience to fail because it’s those failures that takes us higher.
So this is what God means to me… He is everything and everyone around me. He is my history, my present, and my future. He is the connections that bind us all together, He is the Earth that gives us our life, He is the culture that gives the religions of our society their greatness. So I will say a prayer for all of us, that we each will have great compassion, that we each will have great forgiveness that dwells in our hearts, and that we each will seek out great knowledge and understanding so we can continue to respect and love each other by the grace of our God. May he always be with each of you in whatever shape and form you allow Him to take… Amen!

PAT ROBERTSON WALKS AMONG US

It’s disgusting how there are individuals that will take advantage of a tragedy and use that tragedy for their own evil purposes. Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network and host of the 700 Club once again opened his foul induced mouth and spit out hate filled vile for our ears to hear. Hours after a 7.0 magnitude quake rocked the Haitian capital of Port-Au-Prince killing tens of thousands of people, this so-called Christian activist proclaimed that they had swore a pact with devil and they have been cursed with one thing after another. This coming after he blamed the September 11th attacks on Washington D.C. and New York on the gays, lesbians, and abortionist and Hurricane Katrina on the United States’ support of abortion rights.
These attempts by Pat Robertson is a scare tactic to frighten people into a faith so they will think that horrible and disastrous experiences will not happen to them. What Pat Robertson doesn’t realize is that God had nothing to do with the earthquake that struck Haiti. This event, like every other natural disaster in our history is part of the order of things. This earthquake is nothing more than two platonic plates rubbing against each other and unfortunately there just happens to be millions of people living on top of these plates. We are constantly caught in the crossroads of nature and believe me when I say that the Haitian people are not being punished by Pat Robertson’s ideology of God.
Now let’s talk about what Pat Robertson is doing…. He is raping the people of Haiti by taking advantage of this disaster to promote his no-tolerance propaganda. He is nothing more than a fraud and a liar as he continues to manipulate the word of God to fulfill his own political agenda. He takes advantage of minority groups in our own country and around the world by placing blame on them, saying they are the reasons why we suffer the tragedies of hurricanes, earthquakes and terrorist attacks. He blames these minority groups much in the same way that Adolf Hitler blamed the Jewish populations for the woes of Germany. Perhaps Mr. Robertson should grow a mustache for it seems that he and Hitler have much in common when it comes to their ideology. He continues to portray that he has an intimate relationship with God, the he is someone that was chosen to spread the word of our Lord. This is a lie! These are nothing more than false and fabricated lies that continue to spit from the mouth of this snake. Pat Robertson has used his skills as a manipulator and a deceiver to get into a position of power within the Christian Community and it breaks my heart that there are so many people that can’t see through the clouds of poison that he spreads around him.
Pat Robertson doesn’t know the first thing about God. He might claim to have a personal connection with God but this unfortunately is not true. His personal connection with God has been poisoned by his own ideology and his own corrupted interpretation. He has twisted God’s word into serving his own needs rather than allowing himself to serve God. When an individual allows this to happen, then their heart becomes filled with deceiving hate. They spit out hate that is covered with a thin layer of love and hope… but this thin layer of love and hope is nothing more than an illusion. They use this illusion to spread their hate and we all know how hate is like a weed… it will continue to grow through the garden absorbing everything around it, taking all nourishment, and leaving nothing behind in it’s wake.
My message to fellow Christians is simple. Follow what feels right in your heart. Allow God to guide you and allow Him to fill you with His love and everlasting life. Don’t allow the deceivers of this world to detour you, don’t allow them to manipulate you, and don’t allow them to take advantage of you. Stay strong within yourself and love yourself greatly! Follow your heart and you will see through their clouds of poison and you will see everything so much more clearly. In times of tragedy and suffering hold tight to your faith because God walks with us, he holds us, and he will continue to stand with us. Stay true to yourself, even when the likes of the Pat Robertsons in our world say otherwise, because in the end, it’s your own personal relationship with your God that matters, not the corrupted agenda of Pat Robertson. The love we have for ourselves, and the love that we give and share with all those around us, will be the path that will lead us all home.

A TRAIN TO SOMEWHERE

Just woke up from a small nap as I ride this train to Chicago, thinking about all the things that are to come. I have a two hour layover in Chicago which gives me enough time to have a light lunch before I begin my trip to Cincinnati, which is the place that I will call my new home for a while. I’m hopeful that there are many opportunities in Cincinnati and therefore will find a new job pretty quick. I have so much to accomplish before Marleo joins me in about nine weeks; such as finding an house or an apartment to live in and making sure I have enough income for us to survive while he’s able to find his career path. I smile to myself as I think how the responsibilities of adulthood never cease. Sometimes these responsibilities are difficult and hard to manage but I just have to remember to take it one day at a time.
My thoughts are interrupted by the images that I see from the train window of small houses and country roads covered with ice and snow. The cold air of this January morning is slowly creeping into this train as I take time to wrap my scarf around my neck and place my cap firmly on my head. I detest cold and I have a strong hate for the snow but it’s something that every Yankee has to deal and cope with during the long winter months of the north. I think about growing up in Texas for a bit and how nothing really prepares you for the responsibilities of adulthood or the coldness of winter. They both seem to comes towards me like a race horse and no matter how long I prepare for either one of them ; I still feel feelings of hesitation and I question my ability to embrace them. Perhaps it’s okay not to embrace those things but rather tolerate and work through them knowing that things will be better when I get my responsibilities done and that the warmth of summer will be waiting when this long winter is over.
Can I build a new home with Marleo in this new place? Can I find a great job that fulfills my desire to help and promote people around me? Will I make new friends and connections in this new place? Both my heart and mind are telling me yes to all of these questions which is a strong indication that I have a lot of faith in what I’m doing. I know that Marleo has faith in me and that gives me the courage to get these responsibilities accomplished. Over the past couple of months, I have begun to transfer my thought process from thinking that I don’t just need to do things for myself but rather I need to do things for us as a couple, as a team, as partners that are approaching this life together. This way of thinking as propelled me to believe that everything that I do is more important and everything that I accomplish means so much more because it’s not just me affected by my own actions but it’s also that of another person. We are a family starting out in a new place, leaving behind the mundane things of youth and facing the reality of adulthood. A reality that can be both fantastic and real, dreamlike and sincere, and bittersweet and joyful.
There are also individuals that I am leaving behind like Gene and Summer but I feel like they are going on this journey with me. I know I haven’t said goodbye to either one of them because I feel that there isn’t a need to say goodbye. I’ve come to realize that I no longer need to live on the same street as my best friends because as I get older this world is becoming smaller. It seems that no matter where I go on this planet I have access to my friends and they have access to me as we continue to support and promote each other in all the ways that we do. It’s this notion that I have that indicates that I’m not ending anything that I’m leaving behind, that this is still my same life taking a new turn.
My buddy, Michael just called me a few moments ago to tell me that snow is falling in Cincinnati. I almost laughed out loud knowing that I’m facing snow and I still won’t be ready for it. I’ll be staying with him for a while as I get on my own two feet and get things ready for Marleo’s arrival. I’m excited about connecting with him and looking forward to the experiences that we are going to have over the next weeks. I’m looking forward to going to my first Cincinnati Reds game even though in my heart I will always hold my St, Louis Cardinals tightly! I’m looking forward to spending time at Newport going through the many books at Barnes and Noble. Visiting the Cincinnati Art Museum and spending time working out at the YMCA and jogging in the parks. I feel for the first time, in a long time, that over the last few months, I am actually going somewhere. My life has a new direction and everything over this past year has been leading up to this. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am on a train ride to somewhere…