FACEBOOK STATUS 2009

THE EYE OF THE TIGER

Here is a round of applause to you, the newsworthy media! I salute you! Here is my heartfelt standing ovation and utmost congratulations to the news channels and their indebt look into the life of Tiger Woods… you’ve done it once again boys! I am filled with delight that news organizations such as CNN have discovered and reported, in great detail, the inappropriate relationships of 15,000 women and that of Mr. Woods. CNN, FOX, MSNBC, I know how much you guys were so upset by the fact that TMZ reported the death of Michael Jackson about 45 minutes before ya’ll reported that he was in a coma. Then you waited for months in deep anticipation for the next big celebrity story to break so YOU JOCKS could report it first! I can see you guys just pinning and waiting for a small crack to pop open, so you could rip it wide and expose the delicious sexual scandal of an otherwise untarnished sports hero. It must really suck for you ya’ll ,when a black horse, like TMZ has the skills to uncover the sordid facts of a celebrity scandal over what should be high respected and award winning news programs. Now I know you boys are grabbing your balls and trying to prove your masculinity by trying to scoop TMZ and report what is Tiger Woods’ favorite sexual position cause, I mean, who gives a flying fuck about the Copenhagen Accords on Climate Change or a bill that would give millions of people access to healthcare. The media is so fucking focused on the next waitress that had a fling with Tiger than to give thought to, say, the three Americans being put on trial in Iran or the underreported story of rapes in Afghanistan that are to be of profound proportions according to the United Nations. Seriously… who gives a shit about those things as long as we know WHERE, WHEN, and HOW Tiger Woods dropped his pants!
I can’t thank you enough for taking a golf icon and turning him into the topic of talk show trash! This man spent years of training and striving to earn every goal that he accomplished and in a matter of just a few hours you tear him to shreds, simply because he committed transgressions that are between him and his wife. Let’s over look the fact that he is simply human and like all humans he has committed acts that are questionable or that might be viewed as mistakes. None of us are perfect in anyway and each of us have done something that we might not necessary be proud of, but we are the people that we are, and we must learn to accept all of our qualities. It’s sad and disturbing that the news media is focusing on the faults of this individual rather than report on a story on how Tiger Woods has supported charities like St. Jude’s Children Hospital, an organization that helps with the treatment of thousands of children that are sick in this country. Yea, they forget to mention the fact that there is a Tiger Woods Pavilion at St. Jude’s and the simple fact that he helped them build a library in support of these kids. Never heard the news media report on those things… they just rather report on how high the skirt was on Tiger Woods Mystery Woman #420!
We as a people, have so many complicated dimensions and perspectives and it’s unfair to judge any of us because we can only see each other a small part at a time. I have never really cared for golf as a sport because I really don‘t know to much about it… I have never played golf besides that of a miniature golf course, and I can’t really say, if I will ever get into it. I can say, from one perspective on Tiger Woods, is that he has brought and inspired thousands of people to the sport of golf. He has broken records, he has crossed barriers, and achieved greatness in the name of sportsmanship. He has achieved and done so many great things and it’s unfair that he has to suffer the probing nature of the media because they just want to good juicy story. I don’t think any of us should see Tiger Woods has being beyond human because he has the same doubts, the same frustrations, and the same flaws that so many of us have. Instead, we should support and pray for him and his family, that they can make it through these difficult times under the microscope of those Emmy award winning news channels.
We are always striving to be better than we are. Many of us are lucky to have individuals in our lives that inspire us to be better, they propel us to be all that we can be. I’m blessed to know a person that inspires me daily and I love him greatly for everything that he is, flaws and all. There are also, those of us, that look toward the celebrity world for inspiration. So, for those individuals that look towards Tiger Woods, I ask you, not to give up on this man. He is still inspiring you, even in lessons that we didn’t expect to see from him, but after all, he is only human, and I believe he has so much more to teach us in the field of humanity. Michael Jackson once wrote, “In our darkest hour, in my deepest despair. Will you still care? Will you be there? In my trials and tribulation, through my doubts and frustrations. In my violence and turbulence, through my fear and my confessions. In my anguish and my pain, through my joy and my sorrow. In the promise of another tomorrow, I’ll never let you part, for you’re always in my heart.” I take his words to heart because they do indicate that people are more complicated and diverse then, let’s say, what the news channels would have us believe about Tiger Woods. We can never fully understand and see every dimension on what is happening in Tiger’s life but we can continue to hope and pray that he will continue to grow and change, and that we can all learn from his experience, not as tabloid journalism but rather as a golf legend.
My final word on this topic will be aimed strictly at the news media. There is a part of the news system that simply disgusts me. Tabloid journalism strives to tear people down in a Shakespearian style by giving viewers a soap opera storyline that thrills and captivates them on a topic that happens regularly everyday. You choose and pick your stories based on what will give you the best ratings, and in return, that leads to the best advertisement sales. In the meantime, the news channels ignore more pressing issues that this world is facing because the story might not be so “soap opera-ish” I implore the media system to stop giving so much weight to tabloid journalism and start giving more weight to issues that concern humanity has a whole. It shouldn’t be about tearing people down but rather reporting and highlighting problems in our society. In doing that, people might become more aware of more important issues and might become more likely to call themselves into action… making our world a much better place.

ALL SAINTS DAY

“Goodnight,“ was the simple word I said as I turned from him and began drifting off to my dreamland. I think he returned my closing remark but I wasn’t sure. I was to filled with joy that he was laying next to me after so many months of separation and all I wanted to do was relish in that joy. I wanted him there next to me forever so I knew I had to be focused on every moment that he was there, just a few inches from my own body. I created an image of him there laying next to me in my head. I could clearly see him there so very close to my own skin. It was like I was looking down on us from above, admiring our bodies so close together, wanting to reach out and unite us. The beauty of our friendship warmed me but there was something else there beyond our friendship that wanted to ravage us both. Moments before, I had turned off the light, and I noticed he was wearing his blue briefs as I quickly caught a glance and turned away before he caught me. In my mind, all I could see was him there in my bed with his blue briefs. I could feel my desire for him begin to spread through the blood vessels of my body as I laid there in the darkness dwelling in that very moment, carefully listening to his breathing. Inhale… Exhale… Inhale… Exhale… It was through his breathing that I felt his inner voice penetrate my own thought patterns. He was there, inside my head, trying to let me know something, wanting me to feel something., hoping that I would respond with something.
I felt like he had just told me a truth, but the echo of his voice was so far away that I didn’t quite make out what he had said. It was like I couldn’t hear his voice but I could feel his voice. It was a pure emotion that hovered deep in the core of my mind. I quickly opened my eyes and turned my head half way back towards him and asked him point blank, “What are you thinking about?”
“How did you know I was thinking about something?” was his coy, yet charming response. I could feel the smile on his face. I wanted to tell him right there that I could hear him in my mind and that in that very moment we were so connected that I could feel the tingles of his breathing down my spine. I knew clearly at this interaction what he wanted to do and I longed for his embracement as I turned from laying on my left side onto my back.
“I could almost hear you thinking.” was my only response to him as I stared up into the darkness of the room. Most people see darkness has an evil entity, the complete absence of light, but I’ve learned to embrace the darkness. It’s in that darkness that so many of us can be totally honest without the light shining down on us. We are able to open up and bare ourselves without the judgment of light. I don’t see light and darkness as opposites but rather as brothers, both created by our harmonic God. We need them both because they both give us our strengths.
A couple of breaths passed through his lips as he gathered his strength to make his one bold proclamation. “I was thinking about doing this…” were his words as I felt him raise his body over towards mine. I could see his loving face coming closer as our lips touched, sending a bolt of electricity through my entire body. Our lips began to caress one another as my heart attempted to break through my chest. Every nerve in my body was screaming out in excitement as I took in his soft lips. I felt my entire body being pulled towards him, his gravitational pull embracing every particle within my essence. After what seemed like several long moments, he slowly pulled away, and that was the end of the most perfect kiss.
I laid there like a stung, wide eyed, child trying desperately to regain control of my body. My fingers and toes were twitching, my heart beat had moved into my head, I could feel the pulse of my blood in the palm of my hands. The shockwaves of this one perfect kiss was a celebration throughout my body as I tried to catch my breath. I laughed out loud not knowing how he was taking my response but I just couldn’t contain the joy that he had given me. I was there… in joy. That is the only word that I can use to explain those moments… it was joy in my head… my hands… my legs… and my heart…
After a few minutes, while I waited for my body to recover from his shock and awe campaign, I turned to him and embraced him.. Laying my head on his chest while my fingers caressed his soft, silky skin. They followed a trail over his stomach and moved up towards his hard chest where I circled around down his side and began the same path again. I could feel his heart beating as his arm held me tightly. I felt so secure there in his arms, being one of the few times in my life that I’ve actually felt totally and completely safe. We held on to each other for the longest time, connecting in everyway we possibly could.
I began feeling the need to return the joy he had given me and my fingers began to make wider circles on his stomach as I played with the rim of his blue briefs. I could feel his manhood begin to rise in response to me and everything inside me began to light up. My only desire at this moment was to please him and I turned my face towards him as I climbed on top of him. We began kissing hard as our hands caressed each other. Nothing else in this reality existed at this point, we were both in our own perfect world, our own perfect universe, our own perfect love.
I reached down and pulled down his blue briefs and I pushed my own growing manhood hard into his. I took one last look into his eyes as I prepared to taste him. I wanted to show him everything that I could do for him, I wanted him to know how much I cared and loved him, I wanted him to know that there would be nothing but perfect trust and respect between us. Thus, began a journey that had been eight years in the making. A friendship that exploded into something that was so much more… Waking up the next morning in his arms I gave thanks to the saints on what was the first of November and I thanked God for sending me this lion.

HARD TO TRUST

I watched Me die,
Slowly I faded.
Oh simple lie,
Broken and jaded.
Hope leaking fast,
I hide Me from You.
Lessons from past,
Again Déjà vu.
Breaking my ways,
Lacking simple hope.
Eyes to dark days,
On high, I just cope.
Fuck stupid boy,
Worthless attention.
Fuck me the toy,
Lost in addiction.
Faith by the whore,
Caused only by me.
Blood on the floor,
Mary… let it be.
Betrayed by I,
This is my One sin.
Sometimes I die,
A man made of tin.
Leave me alone,
One fucking hour.
True to my tone,
A dying flower.
I will come back,
This always a must.
These things I lack,
I’m just hard to trust.

INTO THE GREEN FIELDS: PART ONE

Enduring a crisis of political identity stands hand to hand with anyone who has ever doubted their own faith. It’s a crisis that penetrates the very core of the individual and clouds the path to hope. To some extent, this is a common occurrence with the general mass and the result of this occurrence is a deep disinterest in the political system. Complaints such as: “I hate politics!”, “Only liars are in the political system”, “My vote doesn’t matter!”, “They don’t know anything about working people!”, are common phrases when an individual begins to question his or her political identity. In general, people fear the unknown and if they can detach themselves from the unknown by building up personal walls against it, then the problem is no longer in plain site. This is not a cure for the problem; for it will eventually manifest itself into hatred for anything political and these individuals will always have a distaste for political conversation and they will do anything to stay away from participating in those conversations.
Another problem that adds insult to injury is the mass media. The media would like for each of us to think that for any given situation there is either a “Solve A” or “Solve B”. They would like for us to think that when we are questioning our own political identity that we are either “Democrat” or “Republican”. Growing up in this social media gives us two options and usually there isn’t room for a third. We live in a society where we embrace absolutes; we were taught to see all things as either good or evil, right or left, full or empty.
So what if I say that not everything in our political system is an absolute? What if I am to say that the only thing that matters in this world is humanity, equality, democracy, and above all else, the protection of this Earth? Politics should be tool to help shape the direction of these important things; not a weapon to use against each other and to satisfy personal agendas that does not include the betterment of all in our society. Politics should be protecting every single citizen of this planet and that these citizens are and always will be equals. Politics should be a tool that spreads true democracy so that every individual has a voice and a choice. Politics should be about protecting the Earth’s natural resources and protecting the environment from the pollutants of ignorance. Politics is an action that is created by the individual and not an “either/or” that many would like us to believe.
This is a series about my journey to find another option to the many pearls that face this planet. It’s a story about my frustrations and doubts about politics and how I lost faith not only in myself but the direction that this country and this planet has taken over the past decade. It wasn’t until I started to look at what was happening to this planet from different perspectives that I actually started to see other options in the political field that best described the type of person that I was and where I wanted to be.
My journey to join the Green Party has been a long one in the making and one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in my entire adult life. It meant breaking the bonds of childhood teachings and finding my own voice; it meant becoming an individual and stepping away from the loyalties that I felt towards the leaders of my established political party; and most importantly, it meant taking action against ignorance that had become a common threat to Earth and Humanity.
My mother would tell you that I wasn’t a normal child. I don’t think I could have prepared her for the normal boy that she most likely found in her second and third sons. Don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy what most other normal boys enjoyed to do like riding bikes and watching Saturday morning cartoons but there was another part of me that wasn’t quite so normal. I remember being in the second grade and the only topic I could think about was the 1988 Presidential Election between Democrat Michael Dukakis and Republican George W. Bush. I had already declared my loyalty to Mr. Dukakis and I was an avid news junkie! I do remember a time or two at the dinner table that my mother would just be sick of hearing about the events of the world and Mr. Michael Dukakis and she would politely tell me to eat my green beans, which by the way, I detested.
I also remember that my bedtime was 10:00pm at this point and this situation would result in a prolong battle with my mother. I insisted that I was “old enough” and that my bedtime should not be until 10:30 so I could watch the 10 o’clock news and catch up on any new developments in the world. She would counter, “Your not staying up late cause you won’t get up for school and the dishes are still dirty!“ One thing my mother is good at is she knows a good deal when she sees one. There would be many times that her answer would be no but she would always leave a doorway open for us. Her telling me absolutely not, but throwing in the fact that the dishes were still dirty would give me motivation to keep those dishes clean in hopes that she would eventually change her answer. On nights that these chores were done I could usually push my bedtime to 10:15 to 10:20. I do remember bringing this argument back up over a period of time with her and most nights she would not relent without some motherly manipulation on her part. I do think however, over a period of time she grew tired of my constant nagging and at some point without any proclamation from her part my bedtime was extended to 10:30. I do think I was doing dishes a lot more at this point and I can‘t help but wonder how much she got out of the silent compromised deal. I always thought my mother would be great in politics even though she never really cared for it and she never understood how and why I dwelled within it. She would eventually become a village council member and a election judge even though it took a lot of arm twisting on the behalf of other people for her to take that step. At any rate, I was very impressed with the simple fact that she relented and dabbled a bit in public life.
A tradition that I have adopted that started the night of the 1988 election and has carried forward to this day is having a map of the United States in front of me while watching election night coverage on the networks. If the democrat candidate won a state then I would color that state blue and if a republican candidate won a state then I would color that state red. The 1988 election saw a lot more red than blue and the only solace I had from that night is the simple fact that red is my favorite color. I have continued this tradition into my adult life and it has come to a point where I will actually decorate my apartment with red and blue balloons and set out two stuffed animals on my television set… one of which is a donkey and the other an elephant. I am simply ecstatic to spend the evening with my friends on the cable news channels which includes the likes of Tom Brokaw, Chris Matthews, the late, Tim Russert, and most stylish, Anderson Cooper. I am just their viewer but I have learned most of what I know about election night from them and I put a lot of stock in their words. I credit Tim Russert in forcing me to examine every political candidate from every angle. Most people would consider my actions on election night to be that of a Class A Nerd… but I don’t care. I enjoy myself and I care to much about this country not to ignore history unfolding before my eyes.
I am an constant worrier. I threw myself into the everyday news making events as a child and I constantly worry about what is happening to our world. The Space Shuttle Challenger exploding on lift off, The Berlin Wall coming down, the genocide in Rwanda, AIDS ravaging parts of the world, people dying from starvation, earthquakes in California, polar bears drowning in the artic; all of these things are issues that I think about daily even has an adult. I constantly wonder why we as a society do not do more to help others and I constantly wonder why I’m not doing enough to help others. The only tactic that I have adopted over the years so everything doesn’t overwhelm me is to take each issue and do something about it, one step at a time. I constantly have to remind myself to lead my example even on the smallest of issues because others will do the same and eventually we will solve the problems that plague our planet and humanity.
I grew up being a Blue Democrat and even today I still have strong loyalties to individuals in the Democratic Party such as Bill and Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Ted Kennedy and Jimmy Carter. These individuals had the power to change the course of history and they inspired me as a child. They have my deepest gratitude and respect but they simply were not enough to keep my loyalty to the Democratic Party as a whole. There were several incidents that took place over a course of ten years that brought me to the point where I could no longer trust my own political party. It was these events that made me realize that nothing was black and white and the simple truths that I believe in was only going to be protected by finding a political identity that represented only me. This was the key… I could not be part of a political party… the political party had to be a part of me.

AN INTRUSIVE BITE

Let me make one clear statement: Hickeys are disgusting and vile! I will not entertain the notion of having a hickey anywhere on my body because I truly feel that it’s a violation upon my individuality. The last person to place a hickey on my body literally got punched. I can’t stand the thought of having someone else put THEIR teeth marks on MY skin. I see individuals around me that wear them like badges of honor and the conversations around them are usually fluttering with envy and delight at the sight of them. I simply can’t understand why anyone would want their blood vessels popping from unnecessary force. Just thinking about it now grosses me out.
I know I haven’t always been this way. When I was a teenager, I had my share of hickeys decorating my body like art in a museum but at some point I determined that hickeys were a childish play thing that we used as a tool to develop our rebellion against our own personal authority figures such as our parents. As time goes by and I began to put more confidence in the person that I was becoming, the need to have hickeys simply faded away; the time finally came for me to put away these childish things. I’m not sure when, but at some point thereafter, a hickey became a symbol of dominance and power over another individual and I, being the individualist, resist any type of dominance upon my body and soul. So I say rise up my brothers and sisters and keep control over your own body, it is the one thing that is truly ours and nobody as the power to claim our bodies as their own property. I beg each of you to respect yourselves because we can never really depend on another individual to do those things for us.

UNSENT

I’m writing this letter to you because I feel like I should have been a better role model for you. You came to me once and revealed who you were to me and I treated you like you were nothing more than a simple child. I didn’t see that you were a person trying to figure out who he was or what his place in this world should be. I didn’t listen to you when you tried to speak to me and I allowed so much time to pass before I realized that you were becoming a man. I was so focused on the life of your sibling that I didn’t see that you were reaching out to me because you felt we had something in common. You were right, we did have something in common, and we still do. So now I must start living up to my obligation to you and attempt to influence you towards a direction that is healthy and beneficial in your continued growth in this life. What I am going to tell you is going to hurt you… it will perhaps anger you, but it’s my hope that when you reach through these initial feelings that you will be able to see my perspective and perhaps you will have the ability to make the changes that you desire to make, changes that you need to make.
It simply breaks my heart to see that a person that I care about continue to fall into these cycles of failure. You have clearly become addicted to this lifestyle because I see you thrive to be in a position that creates unnecessary drama and ultimate failure. It saddens me that you have this voice of poetry and conviction but your words are empty and meaningless to those who know you the most. You have an aunt that cares so much about you that she has taken you into her home and she has given you a bed to sleep in and financial faith into your education. For months, all you talked about was going to school and how you were aiming to get your certified nursing certificate, which would begin your pathway to becoming a nurse. We both know that you have a deep desire to help other people and this would have been your opportunity to fulfill that need. However, you sat yourself up to failure. After your aunt paid for your schooling, you decided to sabotage this pathway to success because deep down you didn’t have the self confidence and faith in your own being. When the time came that you needed to take your TB test, you simply missed the test and rescheduled, only to miss it again because you were “too tired”. Convicted from the classroom, you dwelled from one day to the next without any goals and without any passion.
You abandoned a two year relationship because you claimed he treated you badly all the while you dangled yourself in the flirtation of cheating, hoping and praying, that this would allow you some attention from him. You continued to engaged in this back and forth with him and over a period of time it wore you both down so much that there was nothing left to do or say. It seems to those around you that your sole purpose are these childish games and your rewarded by the desires of men only to feel empty again. So here we are, your back together, the same ole, same ole and we both know your going to fuck up or he’s going to fuck up, just so you will have each other’s attention. The constant fighting and the display of daggers is the only thing that keeps you together and it’s the one thing that stands in the way of your happiness.
You told another individual that you were in love with him and that he meant everything to you, and days into the relationship you announced your engagement and started planning for the wedding. Again the cycle continues as you focus on the glitter and the glam and ignore the foundation of how a true relationship develops. You carelessly gave this man your heart and like a naïve rabbit, he allowed you to dangle yourself in front of him while you waited for the next “ordeal” to begin. In his loneliness and his despair, he grasped onto you, ignoring the brutal reality that was coming his way and choosing instead to focus with you on the glitter and the glam. These things however are so short lived and they can only keep your attention for a limited amount of time before you wake up. Then one morning, just a few short months later, when things were mellow and drama free, a switch was turned on inside of you and you told this boy goodbye… cya around… adios… You are now officially bored with this new boy and so you go back to your previous relationship because, like a drug, it keeps you high and more occupied. You would think that this would be a shocking turn of events but we all realized that this was typical you so none of us were surprised. This is just a thing that you do. So now, the new boy is back in the compounds of his loneliness, quietly wondering why all the glitter just suddenly faded away. I implore you not to play with the hearts of men because so many people can get hurt and I’m afraid we won’t know the ripple affects from your actions for quite some time. I will pray the damage is minimal and certain individuals will heal from the scars that you inflicted and I will also pray that you realize the side affects of the actions that you so suddenly jump into.
For so many years you talked about dreams and improving yourself in the light of day but the darkness in your heart controls the actions that simply don’t match what you say. Your priorities crumble as you yearn for a quick fix both emotionally and psychologically and yet you constantly wonder why your not getting anywhere in your life because these cycles keep you going back to the beginning of all of these unhealthy things. Your childhood sucked, that’s all I can say, and it’s not fair that you endured so many bad things, but I seriously think that you must forgive yourself because we both know that you haven’t. Did you hear me on this? You must forgive yourself because like the waters of a baptism, it cleanses the darkness from your heart. Forgiveness is letting go of your contentment as you beg and embrace that “something more”. You need to start focusing on yourself, you need to start being selfish, you need to get yourself from point A to point B because no one is going to be able to do these things for you. It’s okay to be selfish and self focused because I’m telling you right now that if you don’t start respecting yourself, having pride in yourself and most importantly loving yourself then your never going to find anybody that is going to do those same things for you. You can’t expect someone to take care of you if your unable to take care of yourself. I am begging you to look into that mirror, ever so darkly, but then face to face, and see for yourself the type of person that you can be.
I say these things to you not as a teacher and not even as a friend even though I hope that I am both of these things to you. I say these things to you without the thought that I am better than you but rather as your equal. I say these things to you because we simply have a common thread. You saw that one night a long time ago and I see it now. I have experience a lot of things that you have experienced and it took me a very long time to finally get to a point where I could forgive myself and I hope that my own light can offer you some guidance in your journey. We are here for you but only you can make the difference that you desire to make and I will continue to hope and pray that you do.

MILDRED SETTLES: 1932 - 2009

Mildred B. Settles, age 77 of White Hall died Tuesday, November 3, 2009 at the home of her daughter in White Hall. She was born October 13, 1932 in Eldred, the daughter of Arnold and Eva Wiser Schofield. She married William E. Settles in 1950, and he preceded her in death in 1992. She was also preceded in death by her long time companion, Loren Douglas in 2008. She is survived by two daughters, Brenda (Ron) Evans of Lebanon, Oregon, and Debra (Jack) Wahle of White Hall, and a son Stanley (Jeanette) Settles of Sweet Home, Oregon. There are ten grandchildren, Chad, Eric, Joshua, and Jennifer Evans, Tabitha Buhlig, Jackie Wahle, Jason Lee, Danny Cox, Chad Farmer, and Brandie Edgemand, and 13 great grandchildren. She is also survived by five sisters, Peggy Chapman of Nilwood, Shirley Ruyle of Eldred, Judy Beauchard of Greenville, Pauline Ruyle of N. Carolina, and Margaret McKinnon of Hardin, and two brothers, Dale Schofield of Missouri, and Ronald Schofield of Berdan. She was preceded in death by a sister, Ora Flamm, and a brother Frank Schofield. Mildred had been a cook at several restaurants in Grafton for many years. She enjoyed her grandchildren very much. She loved to travel with her sisters, and they vacationed all over the country. Funeral services will be held at 10:00 a.m. Saturday, November 7, 2009 at Airsman-Hires Funeral Home in White Hall with burial in White Hall Cemetery. Visitation will be from 5 to 7 p.m. Friday at the funeral home. Memorials are suggested to the charity of the donor’s choice.

SUDDENLY

He dreams of his name in the Broadway lights
A different kind of life he had in his sights
He achieved his goals by diving head in
The addiction of pleasure was his only sin
A disease that found a way in that door
He fought with lovely rage against Samuel’s whore.

Suddenly we must say goodbye
Suddenly this time as gone by
Suddenly we stand here and cry
And here our song dies… so suddenly.

A father’s heart that was simply to weak
Always dreaming of days when he was at his peak
The failures of fatherhood and marriage he bore
His sons finding ways to open his door
Unaware that the sands of time were flowing fast
He finally found redemption at last.

Suddenly we must say goodbye
Suddenly this time as gone by
Suddenly we stand here and cry
And here our song dies… so suddenly.

Light slowly flickers in the dark of night
Resisting the temptation to give up the fight
Reaching up her hand; she pleads for His grace
All the same, her kin see the pain upon her face
A matriarch who bares the heart of all
Her family gathers while her autumn leaves fall.

Suddenly we must say goodbye
Suddenly this time as gone by
Suddenly we stand here and cry
And here our song dies… so suddenly.

So suddenly…
So suddenly…
So suddenly…

PLEASE CHEAT... IT'S EXPECTED OF YOU

“Life is short. Have an affair.” is the motto that greets every individual that visit’s a particular online dating website. This particular dating service focuses on married individuals and they claim to have more than 4.5 million members; which would indicate that cheating is becoming more of an accepted practice among marriages in this country. We live in a society that promotes infidelity and we are constantly bombarded by images of affairs. Most of us know the sordid details of Presidential hopeful, John Edwards or late night show host, David Letterman. We even look back on and admire the 25 year love affair of Spencer Tracey and Katherine Hepburn along with the tryst of John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe. We watched in anticipation, as the marriage of Prince Charles and Lady Diana fell into shambles as both parties admitted to extramarital affairs. We thrive on the tabloid scandals of our celebrities time and time again until it comes to a point where it’s almost expected of them to cheat. And that’s where the real threat begins. When our expectations is for our icons and celebrities to commit adulterous affairs then the consequences of our pop culture driven society usually begins to imitate art. Now I am not placing blame on pop culture or celebrity because I do believe that most people know the difference between right and wrong, and I do believe that when a choice is made, it’s usually a choice that a person wants to make. I do believe however, that we thrive to be our own exciting story and when we see these things happening in the media and celebrity world, then a cycle begins that can rarely be broken.
Growing up we’re told by our parents that one of the things we do in life is to get married and live happily ever after which is one of the biggest lies that we are unable to cope with as adults. We’re never told as children how difficult it is to sustain a marriage and what’s worst is how warped our ideology about marriage is. I don’t think we are clearly taught about the obligations of marriage. We tend to thrive for all the glitter and ignore the base of reality. We live for the wedding and the dress of the bride and ignore the waking up to bad breath and moody nights. So what happens to us when the glitter fades and reality sets in? What options are presented to us? Apparently one option now is to go online and for a small fee, you can get hooked up with other married men and women who are looking for a little action on the side as well. I worry about the consequences that these online options might have on society and the continuing decline of the type of marriage that is a monogamous union.
I don’t have the desire to ever marry again and I can seriously say right now that I doubt that the opportunity of marriage will ever present itself to me. I look to the couples in my life and I see so many of them that are unhappy or “trapped” and so many others that I know that either one or the other is cheating. I think these online dating services are taking advantage of that “trapped” feeling that these individuals might be experiencing. I also have my doubts that I have enough character and strength to commit myself to one person and I don’t ever want to be the reason why my possible marriage would fail. I don’t want to be the person that pays a small fee to cheat. I don’t want to be anything like my adoptive father, who cheated on my mother several times throughout their marriage and I don’t think I could handle the shame of something like that. Now that my opposition to marriage is clearly stated I want to share what I think a marriage that I would be in would be like.
If I ever decided to marry another individual, (again… highly… and I do mean highly unlikely) I would seriously have to be in love. I will say now that I don’t think I have ever been in love… I have loved to a certain level but never to the point where I thought my boyfriend/girlfriend was the one I would be with the rest of my life. I would have to feel comfortable with my character, with the trust I have with this individual, and most importantly my commitment to the relationship and the responsibilities that are included. We would have to have total communication and the ability to express ourselves in any situation that might arise before us. I would have expectations on the marriage that neither one of us would cheat, that we would never bring in another person to join us in sexual games, and that we would always work together as a team even on those dark days when we want nothing to do with each other. I expect both of us to love ourselves as much as we love each other and to always respect each other like we respect ourselves.
Those are my expectations about marriage, as influenced by Christian morality they are, and I will not relent any of those values. That is most likely why these values feed into my opposition into getting married because deep down inside of me is that fear that I would not live up to my own expectations and everything would fall apart. Plus the value and freedom that comes with single hood is so enticing that I don’t think I would want to go without it. There’s that part of me that likes going out to have a random fuck or to fool around with friends on a drunken night. There’s that part of me that doesn’t want to hear the voice of another person in my bed the next morning. There’s that part of me that doesn’t want the responsibility of caring about another person that would interfere with my daily activities. Sometimes I just enjoy being in a self centered bubble.
So my back and forth on the issues of marriage might continue to swing or I might actually one day decide to either go one way or another but this will remain the same: I do not understand any organization that would promote cheating in a marriage. For those people that have open marriages and both parties are aware of activities outside of the marriage then more power to you. If a marriage decides to invite a third individual into their bedroom for sexual liaisons then you have my total support, (heck I even know a couple of marriages that I would love to be a boy toy in). I understand the whole concept that there are different kinds of marriages and I have respect for them all. I just have a distaste for organizations, the media, and pop culture that promote the breaking of trust. And that is what every kind of marriage comes down too… Trust.


After I wrote “Please Cheat… It’s Expected of You”, I realized that I have been in a situation where I was “the other man” and I was the catalyst for the breaking down of another relationship. There might be individuals that label me a hypocrite for the values that I would have on my own marriage while my values in other areas of my life might be lacking. The only thing I can say is: I’m a work-in-progress. I think that we all need to realize how complicated we are as human beings. We have so many ideologies within us and sometimes they do conflict with each other… the most important thing is that we recognize our own conflicted differences inside ourselves and give each of them the proper respect that they deserve. I don’t ever mean to hurt other people and I totally realize that good people sometimes cheat. I will throw it out there right now that I have even cheated in a relationship while I proclaim that I hate cheaters! So for all the cheaters out there that have failed in their relationships… I stand among you learning a very difficult lesson.

LINGERING MEMORY

Norb Andy’s, a popular pub in Springfield, Illinois had closed down a little more than three years ago. The building at a rich history that included being a funeral parlor that remained opened twenty four hours a day during the 1919 flu epidemic had killed hundreds of people in Springfield. According to popular legend, Abraham Lincoln spent many nights at the residence during his days as a bachelor . The pub actually got it’s name sake from Norbert Anderson, who bought the building in 1937 and ran it for the next forty-two years. The building was also a music shop, a beauty parlor, and a boarding house at points during it’s rich history.
The State Journal Register recently ran a front page story on the grand reopening of Norb Andy’s after a three year silence on the pub. The newspaper asked residence to submit memories that they had of Norb Andy’s and I actually had something that has lingered in my head about my adoptive father. My memory of the place was published along with several others in the October 17th, 2009 edition of the newspaper. It’s something that I hold close.
“My father, David Farmer, was a cook at Norb Andy’s, and my brothers and I would eat there often, usually waiting for him to get off of work. During college, I would visit the establishment often with my friends, especially if they were having a jazz night while my dad was cooking away in the kitchen. He would come out several times to joke around with us before returning to the kitchen to get his job done. I remember everyone there calling him “Dave”, and it always seemed that he had a great relationship with everyone that worked there; they were a team. My brothers, Cory and Craig, who were just teenagers at the time would spend weekends with Dad, and I’m sure they feel that Norb Andy’s was a second home for them since it was big part of Dad’s life.
Our father passed away in January of 2001, and I will never forget that the owners of Norb Andy’s came to the memorial service to pay their respects. They were very kind to us during this difficult time and we appreciated everything they did for us. They made sure that we knew that our dad was a part of their family at Norb Andy’s.
I visited Norb Andy’s one last time before they closed and ordered a cheeseburger with white American cheese and French fries with lots of ketchup. It was the exact same meal that I had with our father days before his death. A woman at Norb Andy’s recognized that I was Dave’s son and told me that the meal was on the house. I will never forget that, and I will always hold Norb Andy’s as a very special place.”

THE AMERICAN SOLDIER

I engaged in yet another debate over the war in Iraq yesterday and if anyone knows me then they know the hatred I have for this conflict. I believe that this has been one of the worst wars that we have engaged in because it’s a war that was so unnecessary. It surprises me today that more than five years after the war started that so many people still believe that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and they had something to do with the attacks on our country on September 11th 2001. I also believe that the war in Iraq is the reason why the war in Afghanistan has continued to crumble through our fingers and those that are responsible for the Sept. 11th attacks are still hiding in the shadows due to the administration of both Bush and Obama. The debate that I had with this certain individual became very heated and almost nasty. I usually don’t allow my emotions to get the best of me but it disturbs me to see so many people that didn’t have to die in this war. The individual said I really had no right to judge anything that has been happening in Iraq because I have never served in the military. He is correct on this, I have never served in the military and I have never had the desire to serve in the military. I am a true diplomat and I believe that most everything can be solved through diplomacy and communication. I do believe that there are times when war is necessary but it should only be used as the last resort or in case of the Holocaust, to save lives. I also know, that if my country asked me to serve and they needed me then I would do it because I love this country and I would never flee my civic duty. I’m also am going to say that I SUPPORT 110% our men and women that are serving all over this globe including Iraq. They are always in my thoughts and I know they are doing their very best for what our country as asked of them. I don’t support this war but I do support THEM! I will NEVER be accused of not backing our men and women because each and every one of them are heroes and I will not tolerate critics that say otherwise.
The individual also said that I didn’t have a right to “attack” the conflict in Iraq because I don’t know what it’s like to live with the consequences of war. I can’t possibly understand what war does to a population and the consequences it has on all individuals that were involved including our troops. I thought about his words for a few hours last night and I even woke up this morning thinking about them and I began reflecting on Jim Morgan.
It was the day before my 14th birthday when Morgan married my mother. Looking back on it, it seems like he just showed up one day and he became a major part of my teenage life. I had a very complicated relationship with my father and was grateful that my parents divorced but then Morgan entered the picture and I didn’t know what to expect or how to approach him because I always had a father that was ill from alcoholism. I was wary of Morgan and I resisted him often when he was trying to connect with my brothers and I. He won Craig over easily, he was just three when he and Mom got together and Cory usually just went with the flow of all things. I, on the other hand was very guarded which I guess, typically comes with being a teenager but also with past experiences dealing with my own dad. In my mind there was no possible way that Morgan could understand the type of person I was as a teenager. He would walk into my room which was covered with posters of “New Kids on the Block” and talk about cars when I didn’t even know that a oil change was at the time. We would fight over the most stupid things and I always accused him of being unfair which I now know is a word that every parent has to deal and tolerate with. I think I was around nineteen years old when Mom and Morgan divorced and he moved to New York. The strain that is put on any relationship can be a heavy burden and they had a few. I do remember that they talked about getting back together but they had been through a lot as a couple, stuff that no couple should have to go through but that’s my mother’s story… not mine. At any rate, Morgan passed away soon after from a heart attack. I wasn’t able to attend his funeral but I did miss him. He was the father figured that guided me through my entire teenage life and he had somehow manage to find a spot in my heart throughout our ups and downs.
I was so preoccupied that Morgan didn’t understand me that I didn’t realize that I didn’t understand where he came from and how he became the person he was. As a teenager, all we worry about is everything that goes on within the walls of high school and we pretty much ignore what is going on in the world beyond that. I think Morgan pushed open my world view a bit during this time. Over the years, I have come to realize that Morgan came from a generation that is so separated from my own. His youth was robbed from him with a devastating war in Vietnam and he didn’t come home to a Heroes welcome which he deserved. Our government abandoned these men and it was disgusting how they were treated when they returned home. Morgan once told me to prepare for the burdens of serving your country means that you must prepare for the burdens of standing alone. Looking back on him now, he was always trying to make me self efficient by teaching me to fix my own car, by instilling faith in me by attending mass, which I would need in hard times, and by saying it was okay to say a big “FUCK YOU” to a world that might forget or take advantage of me. I think he was worried that the political tide could easily shift in this country and we could be thrust back into a time similar to Vietnam. He was preparing me to manage and deal with this situation if and when it occurred. He showed us that we had to take care of ourselves because there would be times when the world would turn it’s back on us. I now see clearly how war affected Morgan. He wasn’t able to dwell in youthful things the way my own generation was able to do because that time was taken. He was sent to the jungles of a far away country and he paid a heavy price for the burdens of our government’s political propaganda. His health took a massive beating along with psychological side affects that would plague him for decades. He was truly a wounded being trying to find his way back home.
So I say this to the individual that attacks my stance and opinion on the war in Iraq. I learned first hand from an American Soldier what war does in it’s aftermath. I learned first hand that my opinion is my right and my choices are built on the history of this nation both good and bad. I also know all about the consequences of war because I saw it in a father that had to cope with it as he continued to live his life. He made sure that I knew it was my choice to serve in the military or not to serve and that there was no right or wrong when making that decision as long as I was committed to serving my country if called upon. He also made clear that there were other ways to serve this country that didn’t include enlisting in the arm services. He taught me that I should put value in everything that I experience because everything we have today was paid for in blood by countless men and women throughout the history of our nation. He is the reason why I have an undying love for our troops over seas, he is the reason why I know how to change a tire, and he is one of the reasons why I hold tight to my faith because his life was a consequence of war. As an adult, I always try to see every issue from a different perspective and I can honestly say I understand and respect Morgan so much more than I did as a self focused teenager. I am privileged to have known his experiences and adapt those experiences into my own character. He is, and always will be, my American Soldier.

THE HALLOWEEN MURDERS: PART THREE

"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." - Edgar Allan Poe

Everyone in my life was dead and it was my fault. Over the course of ten years my life had been shredded and there was nothing left of me but emptiness and nothingness. I was a hallowed shell that had no meaning or soul. I still existed in my human body but everything inside of me was dead and void of feeling which included the feeling of fear. When any individual has nothing to loose then they are able to commit whatever acts necessary to achieve their goal. I no longer feared my brother and it had taken these many years to put together a plan to rid this vile creature from the face of this earth. He had continued to taunt me with his cat and mouse game and eventually killed everyone I knew including Detective Benson.
I stood quietly in the empty house as my cell phone waited to connect with the person on the other line. Suddenly, a woman answered and I instantly told her that I was in the house where it all started and I was waiting for my brother to arrive. I told her that I needed her there to finish what Cory had started and she told me that her and her cameraman were already on their way. There were times when Nancy Grace’s voice annoyed me and her style of journalism was to sensational for my taste. I resented her headlines that always ended in an exclamation point such as, “ANOTHER INNOCENT VICTIM AS SELF CENTERED CHAD EATS BON BONS IN SECRET MANSION HIDEOUT!”
It was Halloween night and ten years had passed since the first murders and I had made sure that Cory was able to track me to our parents house. I had done a series of phone interviews for the approaching ten year anniversary with Nancy Grace, dropping hints that I wanted to revisit the house in Illinois. I looked around the worn down room as flashes of my family and friends entered into my head… pictures of Mom… Jason… Gene… Elijah… Summer… Marleo… Nora…
I refocused my eyes as Nancy Grace entered the house, her cameraman coming instantly behind her. I asked her not to speak as my head continued to pound with images of everyone I had ever known. She pierced her lips in her signature Nancy Grace style and rolled her eyes as if I had any baring on what she could or could not do. She started filming the room and began her commentary in the camera as a feeling of reunited wholeness filled my hallowed shell. I knew he was in the room and I turned around to face my brother one last time.
He stood there with his large kitchen knife soaked in the blood of every victim he had took from me over the years. He stood there smiling his devilish smile, his dark eyes staring deep into mine as his smirk grew ever wider. His insanity was meant with my own insanity as I found myself grinning, looking deep into his dark eyes. The anticipation of this moment had been building for so many years and I felt joy exploding inside of me as I prepared to engage him to the death. It was our insanity that bounded us together in brotherhood and we would each enjoy the ripping of each other’s flesh. This moment was the only reason that sustained us throughout the years, both of us knowing that this day would finally arrive and it all would be finished.
I pulled out my own knife the very moment we lunged toward each other in a fight to the death. He grabbed my hair has he sliced my flesh open on my left arm. My knife went instantly into his hip as if I was slicing a simple cube of butter. I looked up at him as his fist went into my face and I fell back onto the floor with him quickly on top of me, stabbing me in my side. The blood was flowing and I could feel the warm liquid spreading everywhere onto the floor. We held on tightly to each other as we rolled around the floor taking turns punching and stabbing each other and I relished every moment of it. Not once throughout the fight did my smile leave my face because the entire time I knew I had the upper hand and that I would have the last victory.
At one point in the fight I knocked Cory off balance and I was able to push him off of me as he went flying into a wall. The opportunity now presented itself to end this as I pulled out a gun and pointed it at him. I screamed out, “Pop this Bitch!” as several shots were fired into my brother’s chest. Nancy Grace screamed in delight as Cory tumbled to the floor. My grin only grew wider.
I looked over to my side and saw Gene and Jason standing there, both urging me to go on. They both began speaking to me, “You know he isn’t dead. He will keep coming back over and over again and Nancy Grace will never leave you alone. You must tell him your secret and end this. Make sure you end this.” My grinning face turned from them and I looked down at Cory taking a picture out of my coat pocket. I glanced down at the picture and turned it around so Cory could see it before I put him to rest.
The look of defeat spread on his face. Yes… I had won! The picture was of 14 year old Isaiah, Cory’s own son that he thought he had killed. Isaiah had lived and the very day of the first murders I had taken Isaiah to another town, to another family, to another life.
“That’s right Bitch… YOU LOOSE!” I picked up a nearby ax and chopped my brother’s head off and then poured gasoline all over his body sitting him on fire. The flames rose up and began to devour every part of my parent’s house. I continue to grin as Nancy Grace and I walked away from the burning structure that once was the home of my family, not once looking back.
“I will grant you every interview you want, I will visit your show nightly if I have too, I will even give you every detail over the past ten years so you can publish another book but you must promise me something. You must promise me that you will never reveal that Isaiah is alive. I don’t want to ruin his life like my life has been ruined. Promise me that and I will grant you exclusive rights to what has happened.” Normally Nancy Grace would have balked at my offer but deep inside of her, she too wanted to protect Isaiah from being a victim of sensational journalism. She nodded her head and we continued to walk away from the fire that raged behind us. I walked toward a future of media onslaught, hoping and praying that Cory wouldn’t come back for me and drag my ass back to hell. My final thought before waking up was that there was always room for a sequel or a remake…
The morning after I had the “Halloween Murders” dream I realized that I had been watching to much of John Carpenter’s Halloween and the numerous sequels that followed. It was like each segment of those films had blended together and played out in my head… same story, different cast. After my morning shower, I headed over to my brother’s house to pick up Isaiah and Elijah; the boys and I were spending the day out at the lake with my home girl Nora and her bunch. As we were leaving I glanced over at Cory and told him I would have the kids back in a few hours. He said, “okay, see you later.” and waved, his dark eyes piercing my own as a chill went up the spine of my back. Yea… I was watching way to many horror films lately, it was time to switch to romantic comedies with Drew Barrymore for a while. I love my brother and he’s basically a great guy if he’s not on my nerves as little brothers tend to do. I know logically that he is not a psychopathic killer that would go on a blood lust to kill every single person in my life. At least… hopefully he’s not.
　

THE DESPAIR OF JOYFULNESS

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The journey of the tear begins…

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This isn't happening... I have not been separated from the organic pools of the wholeness. I am still a part of the one being that protects the eye. I could feel the pure emotion of joy filling the liquid compounds. It was complete joy, so how could I be separated from the wholeness? This isn't happening... I will not accept this. I will not be separated from the wholeness and I will not be alone. This isn't happening... This isn't happening…

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The journey of the tear continues...

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Please wipe me back into your eye? Many moments have passed and I continue to fall further and further from those organic pools. I promise to wrap my moisture around your cornea and protect the wholeness from the threats of the cruel dry air that now surrounds me. I am alone and I can’t resist the dryness without the wholeness. If you let me come home, then I will do my best always, just let me come home and I will do my best. Please, just wipe me back into your eye. Please, save me, I don’t have the strength to resist.

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The journey of the tear continues...

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Fuck you for killing me! Your self proclaimed happiness is the reason that I am dying. Fuck you for expelling me from the organic pools of your eye. Fuck you for separating me from the body and thrusting me into a world of dryness and leaving me alone, forever separated from the wholeness that was my creation, my beginning, my mother, my father! Fuck you for your joy that has become my forced sacrifice! I hate you for this! I hate you! I hate you so much! I hate you! Fuck you... Fuck you... Fuck you!

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The journey of the tear continues.

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Everything is over. My life apparently had no meaning? Where do I go from here? What will happen to me in my last moment? Why was I even created if I have no purpose and no meaning. What did I do to deserve this? I am truly lost... I am truly abandoned... I am truly forgotten. I am worthless, I am alone, and I will simply die alone. I feel the silence around me and I feel it deeper within me. I have nothing left to grasp onto. I am just falling to nothingness. Nothing but silence... nothing but despair... nothing but loneliness.

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The journey of the tear continues...

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I now approach my fate with dignity for only I alone choose the way that I die… and I will die but I have been given the right of choice. Do I go with despair? Do I go out with dignity? That is my choice and it is my right; no one else’s, it is mine alone to make. I will hold on to this with everything that I have and I will never let go of it. Here, I stand on my journey, with the right to choose... and I will choose dignity. I was created out of a joyous thought and my death will be the symbol of joy itself and out of that great emotion of joy I have been given the gift of individuality. I lived and that is all that matters, the opportunity of life was given to me and I LIVED!

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My memories are fading... the light around me now fades and as the wetness of my soul separates; the salty spirit of my essences transcends.

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The journey of the tear continues…

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BEAVER WARS: THE BEAVER MENACE

Once upon a time… In Chad’s life… Far, far away…
Over the years, Beavers have taunted and teased me; they have filled my body with fear and they have taken every opportunity presented to them to rage havoc on my life. I constantly live in fear that at any moment a beaver will dash towards me, leaping towards my jugular vein, leaving a gaping hole in my neck with their huge knife wielding teeth. I am no longer safe anywhere I go because they have penetrated our cities and towns, our amusement parks, and of course our forest and campgrounds. Our precious Earth is being overwhelmed by their numbers and I just know that one day I will wake up with those vicious teeth glaring down at me. I lack the understanding of their kind and the reasons why they hate me so. I do know that if anything happens to me, like if my corpse is found floating down a quiet river bend with teeth marks scattered throughout my body, my genitals torn to shreds, and my eyes gauged out of their sockets, that I do have a list of beaver suspects, each of which have made a failed attempt on my life.
I don’t know what I did to piss off these raging beavers but the first incident was a few years ago in southern Missouri. My family had decided to take a trip during spring break and kayak down a river that was frequently visited by humans. To my defense, their were a few hundred college age humans that were drinking and partying during our few days there and any one of them could have started this war with the beavers.
I had not had a good day on this particular trip due to an incident that involved my mother and step father, neither of which had spent any time in a canoe and neither had never apparently used or managed a paddle. We were trying to get through a rough patch of water when my kayak had been pushed up against a side of a cliff. I had water flowing over me and I was unable to paddle myself out of my predicament due to the force of water pushing me against the cliff wall. To make matters worst my mother yells at me from about thirty feet that they are going to hit me. I look back towards them and saw their canoe heading straight for my head. Mom was staring at me wondering why I wasn’t getting out of their way and my step father was trying to figure out his paddle. Sure enough, a few seconds later, their canoe slammed into my little kayak and I got dragged under water.
I fought my way back up to the surface and found myself about twenty feet from where I had gone under and of course, of all the places I could have come up along this cliff wall, I come up at the only place where a tree stump was protruding out the side of the cliff. I hit my head on the stump and I immediately go back under, only this time, with a splinting headache. I finally get back to the surface to meet the giggles and quiet smirks of my family. Each of which were asking if I was okay with their futile attempts to hold in their laughter. My mother’s only comment was, “I told you we were going to hit you, you should have moved.” I gathered my things and got back into my kayak grinding my teeth.
We found ourselves in a very quiet part of the river and I laid back in my kayak, closing my eyes, enjoying the breeze, and allowing the river to calmly guide me down stream. Only a few moments of peace passed before I noticed a clicking sound coming from my right. It was fast and quick, pausing only for a few seconds between each segment of clicks. I opened my eyes to see a massive size beaver on the shoreline staring straight at me from only about five feet away. It was jumping quick little jumps and the hair on his backside was standing straight up. I screamed at the top of my lungs lunging myself out of my kayak and back into the water. It was at this point that complete panic sat in; I realized in that one complete truth of the moment that beavers are one of the best swimmers in the animal kingdom and I was bound to be dragged under by the horrendous beast. I couldn’t stop screaming as my family began to freak out over my reaction. I started yelling, “Beaver! Beaver! Beaver!” I turned back to the shoreline to point to them and the beaver was gone. The beastly creature had vanished as quickly has it had appeared to me. I then realized that it could have jumped into the water so I leaped back into my kayak and used my paddles to pushed myself down stream, as far away from the incident as possible. I took comfort in the fact that I had my paddles and I would not hesitate to use them as weapons if the beaver tried to take control of the kayak. After a couple of hours I felt that the threat was over and I began to relax a bit.
I don’t know if I had startled the beaver or what but I became a joke within my family as they teased me that beavers don’t make clicking sounds nor do they attempt to murder humans in cold blood. I didn’t sleep well at all during the rest of this weekend trip and was thankful when we returned home. I thought I would be safe being back at home in the confounds of my bedroom and that this was an isolated incident. That illusion of safety however, was going to be shattered quickly, for I would soon discover that this so called, isolated incident in southern Missouri would spark an all out, interstate war between me and the beavers. Over the years they would send spies and assassins to watch over me and spend numerous attempts to slaughter me. This was far from over, a quiet shift was happening in the darkness and it was being led my a dark beaver by the name of Darth Francis; and I would come to realized that his beavers are everywhere and that they are constantly listening to us, watching us, and building an army to move against us.
Coming Soon: BEAVER WARS: ATTACK OF THE BEAVERS

SAMAEL, MY SAMAEL

OH LUCIFER, YOU GREAT DRAGON , OUR TEMPEST OF EVE
YOU EMBRACE ME AND I RESIST THE URGE TO LEAVE
OH DAY STAR, SON OF DAWN, THE DECEIVER OF ALL THINGS
HOW YOU KEEP ME FROM TRIUMP AND WHAT SALVATION BRINGS
SAMAEL, MY SAMAEL I’VE EMBRACED YOU WITH MY LIPS
THE SINS OF MY DESIRES, HEART, AND SOUL COMES TO THIS.
OH KING OF BABYLON, YOU FALLEN ANGEL, OUR MORNING STAR
YOU SEDUCED ME WITH YOUR WHORE IN THE MERCEDES CAR
MY LIPS TOUCHED THE CHEST OF THE WICCAN BOY
AND I BECAME A LONELY PLAYTHING , THE DECEIVER’S TOY
SAMAEL, MY SAMAEL I’VE EMBRACED YOU WITH MY LIPS
THE SINS OF MY DESIRES, HEART, AND SOUL COMES TO THIS.
OH IBLIS, YOU BASTARD SON, OUR PRINCE OF HELL
YOU WANTED ME TO FALTER BUT I KEEP GOING SO I CAN TELL
THE WARMTH OF YOUR HEART IS THE COLDNESS IN MY SOUL
A THOUSANDS LIES COULD NEVER MAKE MY LIFE WHOLE
SAMAEL, MY SAMAEL I’VE EMBRACED YOU WITH MY LIPS
THE SINS OF MY DESIRES, HEART, AND SOUL COMES TO THIS.
OH LUCIFER, REBELLIOUS SON OF GOD. OUR HANDS ARE TIED
I EMBRACE YOU AS A PART OF WHO I AM AND RECOGNIZED YOU LIED
FOR NOW I SEE CLEARLY AND CONTAIN YOU WITH MY CONTENTMENT
I KNOW MY POWER OVER YOU WILL ONLY FUEL YOUR RESENTMENT
SAMAEL, MY SAMAEL, I KNOW THAT WE ARE ONE IN SIN
BUT THE HAND OF THE LAMB WILL ALWAYS KEEP ME WITH HIM.

THE HEALTHCARE DEBATE

I recently had a discussion on my Facebook site about universal healthcare and there was a lot of disagreement between my friends on how we should approach healthcare. I wanted to share our discussion and where I think healthcare needs to go.

CHAD: Healthcare… I cannot stress enough why healthcare should be a God given right for everyone in this country to obtain and to afford basic healthcare. There should not be one individual in this country that think that they cannot seek treatment for illness from any hospital because they simply cannot afford it. This is wrong and inhumane! Healthcare is not a political issue, it is a moral issue that we as a society is obligated to support and advance.

JASON: Agreed, but why should I and every other hard working citizen be forced to pay for those who refuse to make something of themselves? Btw.. if Obama thinks he is going to force me to pay for healthcare for the people who work for me, then I will close my doors, just as most other small businesses will.

RICHARD: I agree but to be honest we screwed ourselves in healthcare spending by going to war during the Bush administration. Our country no longer has the means of supporting national healthcare because we're spending trillions on the national debt. Many Americans seem to think that the US has unlimited funds to go around. A newsflash: National, healthcare will have to wait until we stop spending on useless wars, non-government related private jet flights for members of congress and bailouts to companies who are spending them on bonuses for executives... among other things, of course.

JASON: Richard.. The national deficit has existed since the civil war. Health Care reform has been an ongoing debate since Kennedy was in office. Quit blaming Bush for everything from the economy to the rash on your butt. Bush has been gone for almost 8 months now! Btw, Obama has spent his way into an additional $1 TRILLION dollars in deficit spending in his first seven months and yet unemployment keeps rising. Sorry to say, but Obama is slowly self imploding and it will make me quite happy when all of his supporters see him for what he truly is: a socialist community organizer.

CHAD: Sitting aside why the deficit is where it is... because we’re not going to get anywhere by doing nothing but blaming Bush or Obama. It is clear that our system as it stands is broken. There are millions of people in this country (that btw do work hard) that still cannot afford healthcare. I for one, have a full time job with no insurance. I cannot afford to get sick because I live paycheck to paycheck and if I chose to get insurance as it is now then I would lose almost 300.00 a month out of my income because my employer will not cover me. I make right under a 1,000 a month. I cannot afford everyday living with insurance because of the outlandish amounts of money the insurance companies are soaking up! It's disgusting and vile what the insurance companies are doing to so many American citizens. I feel for one that there is nothing wrong with helping each other as a society because it will benefit all of us in the long run.

RICHARD: Politics discussions are always so fun. Chad, I myself do have healthcare but I can't afford to go to the doctor for a visit even if I do get sick. It's either one extreme or another. God I love it. Jason, psshaww- I have too much to say and too little time to make a reply. Only 4 hours left of my day and a lot to do still. Haven't heard of how Canada or the UK is doing.
JASON: Canada added like 327,000 jobs in July...and they didn't spend $787 billion dollars trying to do it.

ANGELA: Jason... you would only hurt yourself by closing your doors! :(

CHAD: Did anybody watch Obama's speech? Have any opinions changed or did you learn something new about the current situation as it stands? Sidenote: I'm so glad that the first hijacked airplane in North America since 9/11 ended without anyone getting hurt today.

JASON: I Was at the ballgame drinking beer… missed the speech… oh darn! lol

JUSTIN: Jason… Canada also has universal health care. I guess you're right. We should look at what they are doing and try to implement it into our own government. Not to mention you and every other hard working citizen already pays for the healthcare of those who cannot afford it. Who do you think covers medical fees when uninsured citizens have emergencies that they cannot afford? Do you think the hospital just eats those expenses? And let me get this straight, instead of helping your employees out by getting them even low level insurance, you would just shut your doors? That really helps the free market economy system.

JASON: Justin, The problem with implementing Canada’s plan in the USA is this... can YOU afford an overnight increase of 15% in everything your purchase? Didn't think so... It would bring the economy to a halt.

CHAD: I just got done watching the President's speech and I can say his plan is clear and I believe it will move forward with or without the support of those that want the status quo. 95% of all small business will receive a waiver if they cannot support insurance for their employees... (Jason, I'm sure this would include your company) I also want to say again that this is a moral obligation that we have not only to ourselves but to others! We cannot continue on the path of self centered ideology that does not include taking care of our brothers and sisters. It was made very clear tonight that the public option of this plan would be self efficient and the bill would include a segment that would prohibit the raise of taxes to support the public plan.

JUSTIN: Yet, the minimum wage is getting increased every six months, causing prices to skyrocket so that employers can pay the higher wages to their employees, gas prices soared an average of a dollar a gallon from 2007 to 2008, cigarettes have already been bumped up 38 cents a pack, sales tax in Illinois has gone from 6.75 to 7.25 percent, etc. All of these supposed overnight increases in taxes are already taking place and have been taking place for decades now. Where is the money going? What is more important: making sure every American citizen is insured or contracting the construction of more tanks, bombs, and guns for our Army? You can say don't blame everything on Bush, but the last eight years of completely unnecessary military spending are more to blame for our jilted economy than price increases.

JASON: The money is flying out the window thanks to the tax and spend dems. Ronald Regan was more than right when he said jokingly " I am from the government, and I am here to help you'. What ever happened to personal responsibility and we the people? If we say NO to the insurance co's, then they will have no choice but to make it affordable. Its simple business sense. Also if we vote out these FOOLS in office, and if some of us quit falling for the smoke and mirrors unqualified politicians (yes this means Mr. community organizer himself) who will say anything to get elected, then we will be in a much better position as a whole. BTW Justin, thanks to Osama, cigs went up almost $10 a carton in MO. That’s $1 a pack thanks to his 'giveaway healthcare' for the welfare queens who keep getting knocked up.

JUSTIN: So wait, your idea of "saying NO to the insurance companies" is to NOT provide universal health care, thereby allowing them to continue to price gouge consumers. Explain yourself. It also is laughable that you bring up the current economic state, then cite the man whose "trickle-down economic" system is arguably what started American into a recessive state in the first place. Also, whatever happened to "We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal..." If insurance costs so much that nearly 16 percentage of the population cannot afford it, obviously we aren't working on a level playing field. But that's ok, that's just 48 million Americans who aren't working hard enough.

CHRISTINA: Our nation needed health reform yesterday. It's ridiculous and sad that people are struggling to survive, both financially and physically, on a daily basis. Health care should not just be available to those you are able to afford it. Health ca...re should not be a privilege, but a right provided to everyone.

JASON: Justin wrote "then cite the man whose "trickle-down economic" system is arguably what started American into a More recessive state in the first place" Well lets go to www.cnbc.com, and look at the past 10 years of stock market daily closing numbers (I think the markets are a great indicator of the economic condition of the country) You will see that during Bush the markets hit ALL TIME HIGHS, people's retirement accounts were earning money, CD's and money market accounts were getting decent returns on investment (4-6%) Now lets look at Nov 5, the day after Osama, I mean Obama was elected. See the nice big drop? How about on Jan 20, see another big drop? Want to know what my money market account is currently yielding? A whopping 1%! Yes health care needs reformed. I do not disagree. I had emergency surgery just 2 months ago. Total bill $19k for 11 hours at the hospital. I have no insurance (sorry, $500 a month is not currently in my budget). But I do not expect tax payers to flip the bill for my medical costs. Nor do I think anyone should be mandated to provide coverage (or face fines). Last time I checked this was a free country, and I will be damned if the government is going to put one more obstacle in my face that prohibits growth of small businesses. We already have more than our fair share of laws, regulations, and taxes. I could go on and on, but unless you own, or have tried to start a small biz, you have no idea about all the red tape that goes along with it. This bill will kill jobs. Mark my word on it!

CHRISTINA: Point taken...I haven't owned a new business and am not trying to start up one. However, I am interning at a cancer center and see people struggling on a daily basis. They didn't have to ask cancer and do not ask for monthly CO-PAYS of $4000 (that is not a typo). Plus there are people losing their lives because they cannot afford the necessary care leaving them with their illnesses to progress, to become worse and in most cases contribute to their premature death. Yes it will cost a lot, to say the least, for this reform....but I like to think lives are worth it.

JUSTIN: I am failing to understand how you can acknowledge that health care needs to be reformed and you also acknowledge that insurance rates are too high, yet be against universal health care. You keep presenting point A and point B without realizing that B contradicts A. I also like how this is a free country for you as a business owner, but not for someone who just wants to make sure his kid doesn't have a terminal illness but can't because insurance is 500 dollars a month. I'm not even going to touch on your stock market "point" as you cherry pick two dates from Obama's term and compare it to annual averages for the eight years prior. Are we just going to forget that under Clinton, this country had a multi-billion dollar surplus that was erased by eight years of the bumbling Bush administration?
　
CHAD: Healthcare is a decisive issue but sometimes we need to choose between the difference between what’s right and what is easy. Hillary Clinton once said whenever a person speaks powerfully about change, then the forces of status quo attack. There are those in this country in the position of power that would do anything to prevent universal healthcare for the masses. That is why it’s so important that each of us stand up and fight for this because Christina is right when she said lives are at stake. This country must embrace universal healthcare for the sake of our future, our children, and our economy. None of us should have to worry about money when it comes to our health. We are all equal and protected under the guidelines of the constitution; that all men are created equal and that each of us reserve the right to the pursuit of happiness Our differences are deep but we must find common ground and take the right road… the moral road.

POPTARTS

The funny thing about friends is a lot of times they act the same way in your dreams as they do in real life. Your dreams can be a true reflection on their personality and how important they are to you as people. I dream a lot about the people that I love and every dream is an indication on where my relationship stands with them. I fell asleep one night and instantly landed on my feet in my dreamland where Nora and I were packing our bags and getting ready for Fat Camp.
I’ve been on a huge health kick in the months prior and had lost almost fifty pounds since when all of a sudden I found myself heading to Fat Camp with Nora. I was in a hurry and I knew that I was excited that I was going to lose weight even though realistically speaking I knew that I wasn’t fat anymore. I think perhaps I was more excited that Nora was coming along with me and she was going to take care of herself as well. I watched as she continued to pack her things in her suitcases and soon afterwards we were on a big yellow school bus heading out to the wilderness to free ourselves from the confounds of fatty tissues.
Upon our arrival, we were greeted by camp counselors who were all abnormally skinny with huge heads wearing blue vintage t-shirts that simply stated “Fat Camp”. Each of them explained to us how they all use to weigh hundreds of pounds and they had lost it all by spending their summers here at the camp. I smiled at their accomplishment even though personally I thought they all had a dash of bulimia with a hint of anorexia. I turned back to Nora to tell her my inner thoughts when I became mortified by the actions that she was doing behind my back.
She was stuffing an oversized, brown sugar poptart into her mouth, pieces of which were falling all over the front of her navy blue shirt. She was like a robotic food processor, crunching down one poptart after another while the cheerleaders of Fat Camp welcomed us into their fold. I quickly turned back to our greeters and made a step to the right blocking their view of Nora’s catastrophic fall just two minutes into our fat camp experience. I could feel the redness in my face as the counselors showed us to our bunk beds in the log dormitory. They continued to talk to me about the daily activities here at Fat Camp but I had a hard time hearing anything they were saying due to the loud crunching of poptarts in Nora’s ever grinding mouth.
As soon as they left I turned around on Nora and started screaming at her about the amount of poptarts she had engulfed in the short time we had been there. I opened her suitcase to discovered that she hadn’t packed any clothes but rather every flavor and color of poptart that was currently in production. I looked up at her and asked her why she didn’t pack any clothes and she simple smiled and put another poptart into her mouth. I would be stuck looking at her blue navy t-shirt sparkling with crumbs for the rest of the summer.
The next day, we started our daily activities by taking a canoeing trip down the river. I was having a hard time maneuvering our canoe due to the fact that I was the only one handing the paddles. Nora had left her paddles back on the shoreline due to the fact that she had one poptart in each hand and a third poptart in her mouth. I noticed this time she was swallowing the poptart whole like a python snake which gave her un-human like qualities. I was in fear that her head was going to start bobbing back and forth and she would vomit back the poptart just to eat it again. The only relieve I found on this trip was that the constant crunching had come to a halt due to her new form of eating.
I wondered during my archery session why the counselors hadn’t said anything to Nora about her apparent semi sexual addiction to poptarts. I glanced back at her wanting to aim my bow at the sugar filled beast for I could feel the jealousy mounting within me. I felt that I hadn’t eaten for days and my head was becoming bigger as my body was becoming pencil thin. I was becoming more and more like the counselors of the camp and I found myself taking on their characteristics. Was this going to be my future? Am I the one going to have a big head on a stick welcoming fat people to Fat Ass Camp? I felt my heart begin to race as I opened my eyes in the safety of my bed.
Fat Camp had just been a dream and Nora wasn’t the navy blue t-shirt bitch who was constantly tormenting me with poptarts. I told Nora about the dream latter that day as she laughed, the ironic thing being that she doesn’t even like poptarts. Another thing about Nora which I think the dream indicated is that she really doesn’t care about what people think of her. She’s completely happy with herself. She indulges in things that she enjoys for her philosophy is that we only live one life so why limit ourselves. I respect her for that.
I do care about my body, I’ve work hard to look the way I do and that’s not going to change because I feel that if anyone is ever going to love me, I’m going to have to love and respect myself first. I still have along way to go but it’s a process that I feel very comfortable with and it makes me more confident that I can accomplish anything especially when I have control over my body and my actions. So I work hard, and I exercise and eat healthy but Nora also opens a doorway to balance. She’s the one that shows me that I don’t always have to restrict myself and that I should take time out to enjoy things. I stopped by a gas station and bought a strawberry poptart on my way home that night. I secretly enjoyed it in my car as I devoured both of them in the package. The indulgence was breathtaking and I cherished each bite of the frosty treat. I could enjoy this moment because I was in control of this moment. Afterwards, I went on a two mile jog to counter my indulgence but at least Nora showed me that I can indulge so I won’t ever become one of those freaks with a pencil body and a big freaking head.