ON OUR DEATHBED CONFESSION

I can feel frustration dwelling in the back of my mind that has constantly been stirring and pushing it’s way to the forefront of my thoughts over the past few months. I am sitting Indian style with my laptop in my lap and a cup of hot coco to my right. I’ve been adding some hot cinnamon schnapps to my coco to add a little kick… okay… let’s be honest here… I’ve been adding a little coco to the hot cinnamon schnapps. It’s gotten me to a place where I can write about an issue that has been bothering me of late and that was the entire purpose of getting a little tipsy which usually means I‘m also little ballsy. This can be a good thing or a straight up bad thing… whatever it is… it’s a confession.
I of course, will try and retain some gentleman posture here and not directly attack this individual because I don’t want to hurt this person even though I feel like this individual has been hurting me. So, as you have figured out I am angry at somebody… somebody that I love greatly and have shared a strong connection with over many years of my life. Our relationship has seen ups and downs and we have gone through many obstacles and accomplished many things together. We have touched each other in many ways and have experienced many different types of human connections throughout the years that we have known each other. We became family to each other and with that comes a certain degree of responsibility and obligation to each other. We have both been there for each other through losses and gains and I’ve always felt that I could count on this individual to back me up, but at some point along our road, we lost our connection, we lost the ability to talk to each other, we lost our wings. I don’t think there was one major issue that overcame us and severely strained our friendship even though I wish it was just one major issue. I could focus my energy onto that one issue, understand it, and then simply overcome it. Unfortunately, in the real world, when a friendship begins to decay, it usually is the result of several smaller issues that spread like an unseen disease.
We have both been divided my distance, our adulthood has flourished in separate places but we have been separated before and it didn’t impact our relationship the way distance is doing to us now. What’s more bothersome about this aspect is that we live in a much smaller world than we did twenty years ago. It seems, no matter where you go on this planet, a person is still able to maintain contact with family and friends. Cell phones, social networking sites, letters, text, and video messages keep us connected more to each other than ever before in human history. Yet we find ourselves not taking advantage of these things. It’s been almost nine months since I’ve talked to this person on the phone. I’ve tried calling this individual several times over a period of months and the phone would be left unanswered. I would usually get a text after a phone call that stated that they were to busy, that they were in a middle of a movie, or out shopping at Wal Mart, or my favorite line being that they get horrible reception. So the phone calls from my end of this ceased… then two months ago, the text messages ceased as well.
This is where I start getting pissed. Why is it that difficult to pick a fucking phone to call a life long friend? I don’t give a flying fuck if it’s just a three minute conversation on a bloody Sunday afternoon. A simple phone call shows that the person cares and they care enough to check up on how things are going. If gives us a better connection to each other rather than hearing impersonalized twitter updates. I know this individual doesn’t ignore calls from his mother or from other family members, I know this person takes calls from other people so why can’t this individual respect our friendship enough to take a few minutes out of his apparently busy schedule every week to catch up. Is it not a responsibility that we both must retain to keep our friendship from suffering unnecessary consequences? This person went through an ordeal almost a year ago and I had to hear about it from a family member because this individual wasn’t able to call and talk to me. So the questions must be posed… What got this individual to this point? Why has the friendship between us suffered? Did something happen between them that wasn’t right? Was there a fight between them? Did one offend the other? I can’t answer any of these questions without hearing the individual’s side of things. It seems that overnight, the Berlin Wall went up, and now there is the possibility that we might be separated for a long time.
Besides the fact that distance has separated us we both began falling in love with other people. We both started making new contacts and friendships along the way which is a very natural part of life. We both made choices to spend our lives with men that we love and we have both chosen to focus on these people that we hold so tightly to our hearts. Does this prevent us from being there for each other and being responsible for maintaining our friendship? It shouldn’t at all but then why do I feel that over the past year I have become a distraction that needs to be swept under the rug every time I try making contact with this person? I know in my heart that the individual cares about me but logically I feel that he is treating our friendship like shit.
Perhaps I should take the high road and try calling this person again… Perhaps I’m the one that should make the first move even after the connection between us as been lost for the past few months. I’m going to call one last time and I’m going to reach out, and I’m going to pray that this person responds… I just need a glass of water first because now I’m nervous….
I just called and the only thing I got was his voice message… “Hi… This is so and so… Leave a message.” It’s funny that the only time I get to hear my friend’s voice is through an answering machine. Am I surprise that the individual didn’t answer my call? Not really? I expected it as much, it would have been more of a surprise if the individual would have answered. I’ve been sitting here for a few moments thinking about my friend and I don’t really feel angry anymore but rather sad. I’m sad for my friend because for some reason this individual is unable to be responsible enough to help hold up our relationship. Our lifelong conversation is nothing more than a whisper and with each passing day, that whisper becomes more faded. What are the barriers that are blocking us from reaching out to each other?
At least I got my feeling on the matter out of my head. I wish I had a resolution to these thoughts that are coming down upon this paper but I don’t think this is the end of the story… I refuse to believe that after twenty years of friendship that it’s going to end quietly and fade into that good night. Can friendship ever really die? I really don’t have the answer to this but perhaps my friend will somehow read this and give me a good answer. A flashback just crossed my mind… We were teenagers breaking into an empty house pretending that the house was ours. We would discuss on where we would put things and how we would decorate and design the many rooms of the empty house; all the while we dreamed that one of us would be a photographer in Los Angeles while the other would be a writer in New York City. Those were the day dreams that we shared, dreams of us being close and apart Our lives didn’t quite pan out on what we thought they were going to be like when we were sixteen but it’s still nice to reflect on memories like this because it makes me feel closer to my friend during this time that this individual has pulled away. It’s thoughts like this that makes me feel that our friendship cannot die… it can just lay in a coma on life support for a very long time.
Shortly after the moment I wrote the last line “it can just lay in a coma on life support for a very long time”, my friend finally returned my call. For a few seconds I was overwhelmed because it had been so long since I had heard his voice but it seemed we picked up back on where we left off. He told me that he wasn’t sure why we went through these periods of time where we didn’t connect much but we both agreed that we would work on keeping each other in focus. I did miss him and it was refreshing to hear him talk to me about his life and his family. He has the tendency to always remind me that I can do amazing things and I hope that he feels the same way. So I guess my question was answered… friendship doesn’t die… but at least my best friend, Jason and I are finally out of the ICU.