FRIENDSHIP REKINDLED

I have been so blessed to have so many special people come into my life and I wanted to share the moments that were the beginnings of something extraordinary. Each of these individuals represent a part of me that clearly shows what my best qualities lie in the tight friendships that I have developed over my lifespan. Each of them have changed the course of my history and directed the outcome of my future. Without hesitation, I would lay down my life for each of them and I am forever bound to them through the grace of God, knowing that my heart belongs to them.
JASON CASTEEL
I was playing tag with my friends in elementary school when I noticed a boy sitting quietly underneath a huge oak tree. I was instantly intrigued by him and urged a fellow friend of mine to ask him if he would like to play tag with us. My friend refused and I told him that if he didn’t ask the boy underneath the tree to play tag with us then I would make the boy my new best friend. He of course refused, and Jason became my new best friend. Our friendship has spanned more than twenty years and he is the person that has influenced my life the most. We have gone through everything together and our souls will always be connected, even beyond death. We sometimes under value each other which comes with an aging friendship but our love for each other will always remain because he is my family. I will always support and cherish what we have been through, what we are experiencing, and what the hands of time has in store for us.
SUMMER MARSHALL
I wasn’t sure if I should walk into the meeting or not. College was hard enough and to deal with something like this would make everything so much more stressful. I had to allow myself to be me though and I made the decision that day to walk into the gay and straight alliance meeting. I noticed a girl at the end of the table with long straight hair. She was shy and reminded me a bit of Alanis Morissette. We would both share our first real serious relationship experience together and by a strange turn of events we would eventually become married. Living as a very unconventional husband and wife team for four years. I adore Summer, she’s the core of my ability to pay attention to what is happening to our earth and I admire her ability to strive for her goals. She is constantly making me feel that I should be a better man and she is the one individual that I have seen substantial change and growth in. She is my Mary Magdalene, my rose, and my love of earth.
MARLEO DAVIS
A friend of Summer’s had called the apartment one night and I answered the phone. We started talking, and at some point, Mariah Carey was mentioned. A short time later, Marleo and I had “Mariah Carey Night”! He came over to the apartment and we started to belt out all of Mariah’s songs! He has the talent to carry each of Mariah’s musical notes and I… unfortunately to his ears… DO NOT! He soon moved in with Summer and I and our relationship has become one of the most difficult relationships that I have chosen to be in. We are both alpha males, neither of us can be wrong, we always hate each other’s boyfriends without regard, and we both live very independent lives that sometimes clash. We have secretly loved each other over the years and my best memories include him. He has put me through hell and I have dragged his ass right along with me. Still, we then have these moments where we connect fully and we feel like we are one. It’s these moments that make everything about our relationship worth being together.
NORA KELSO
My life was over! My senior year in a new high school was fucking hell! My fellow students were making fun of my accent, the way I looked and some idiot had just put a wad of their gum into my hair. (Which I had to cut short that very day!) I hated this place and I hated the fact that we had moved here. I walked into Algebra class preparing for another round of onslaught when a girl with the blackest hair turned around in her chair and said hello. She then said we were going to be friends and I silently obeyed her demand. She would be the only source of comfort in this high school hell! Nora is the most kind hearted person I know and she has always thought about others and she has constantly put their needs ahead of her own. I simply love her and it’s a wonderful thing to know that there is someone out there that is filled with humanity. She is a saint in the eyes of many including myself!
MATTHEW HOBROCK
I met Matt the same day, in the same meeting, along with Summer on that cool October day. He is employed by the college that Summer and I attended and he was the club co-advisor. We instantly hit it off and we are always able to joke with each other and just simply let everything around us fade away as we collapse into our own little world. We have gone through a lot of the same stuff at the same time and we have always approached everything with heart and humor. We have constantly been mistaken for each other over the years since apparently he is my identical twin. He is the one person that can make me laugh no matter what.
GENE WOLSKE
I met Gene at a fundraiser for the prevention and education of HIV/AIDS which happened to be on Pearl Harbor Day. It was just a short time later, that we were both volunteering at a local Youth Center and we discovered each other’s loyalty to Alanis Morissette. Through the years we have grown and connected with each other on so many levels. One of the best nights of my life was at an Alanis concert in Chicago where he had surprised me earlier that day with tickets. I am connected to him spiritually, mentally, and my own personal growth as a lot to do with his growth. He constantly embraces me and my flaws and I feel that I can just be me when I’m around him. He is my protector, my rock, and my comfort. He is as I am.
TO ALL OF YOU
It amazes me how much each of you reflect off each other and how I can take qualities from each of you and then realize that through those qualities I can see myself. My heart is full when I’m with you and the tears that I feel on my face at this very moment is simply my heart embracing all of you. You are my heroes in so many ways, each of you have my highest respect and gratitude for a lifetime of happiness and memories. I can’t imagine my existence without God bringing each of you in my life. In a biblical sense, seven is the whole number. It’s God’s number and I know that we all share different faiths and beliefs but I find it extraordinary that together we are the number seven. I know there are times when we just don’t say it to each other but please know that I love each and every one of you so, so much! Thank you for everything that you are and may the grace of love bless our traveled roads

THE DECEIVER’S APPLE: PART THREE

I found myself wandering the isles of the store hunting for newborn baby clothes. I had several items in my cart for the baby but I felt like I needed so much more. Perhaps it was the guilt that I was feeling that was propelling me to buy whatever the baby needed and I realized that I had way to much in my cart. I decided to put some of the things back because I was ashamed on how the situation had turned out with the beautiful girl and my coworker; and I especially didn’t want her to know the amount of guilt I was feeling. Several months had passed since the day the beautiful girl had arrived unexpectedly at my home and confronted me on my relationship with her fiancé. Every manipulation that the coworker had spun in both of our lives had finally come to light and both the beautiful girl and I were left standing, attempting to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives; neither one of us realizing how difficult it was going to be.
The coworker had apologized hundreds of times to me about the events that had taken place at my apartment and I slowly allowed him to chip away at the wall I had build between us after his lies were exposed. Illogical stupidity is a human trait that tends to plague my thought process in determining the type of people I choose to have a intimate relationship with. A perfect example of this is the fact that the coworker and I were seeing each other very frequently by this point but we stayed away from any title that would declare us companions or partners. I had decided to play things more casual with the coworker and not to put to much stock in anything he said or action he committed. We made it clear to each other that we would continue seeing each other with no strings attached and that it would no longer be a secret from anybody.
Summer had finally arrived and with Summer came the arrival of the beautiful girl and the coworker’s baby. The coworker had called me earlier in the day to let me know that the baby had arrived and I told him that I would meet him at the hospital later in the day for the official introduction. I forced my mermaid friend of mine to accompany me to the store to buy the baby some gifts. I felt like she would be a great ice breaker and barrier between the awkwardness that I would be experiencing with the coworker and beautiful girl’s families being packed into the hospital maternity ward. She would be my voice of logic and reason for she would never hesitate to force her opinion down my throat. We left the store with our gift bag in tow and headed to the hospital to meet the new baby. My mermaid friend put a time limit on how long we should be there right before we walked into the beautiful girl’s room.
The baby was both beautiful and magical. It had the best traits of both of his parents and I could tell by the reaction of the room that this baby was going to be very much loved my it’s mother. I felt a little envious of the beautiful girl and the pride that was her own on this very day. I thought about having my own children someday and what it would be like to devote so much love to another human being. We began to get lost in conversation about the baby when, true to form, my mermaid friend reminded me of our schedule and shortly after handing over the gifts we began to say our goodbyes. I gave my coworker a warm glance before leaving the family their due time alone.
The end of July found the coworker and I in bed together as we talked about the baby and our individual futures when he blurted out that he loved me. I turned and told him that I loved him too even though I didn’t feel it. It was an instant response that I didn’t mean to say and there was no way of taking it back. I constantly found myself beating the man in the mirror up for saying it so casually over the next couple of weeks and I began to fear that I was going to start making rash decisions that would result in us moving in with each other and beginning a future together. Why did I have to say those words when they meant nothing to me. I saw the coworker as a friend and valued him as such even with his past poor qualities and lack of humanity.
In August, I decided to take a vacation and I spent a week in New York City; dwelling in all of my favorite spots. The best city on earth is truly New York and I relish every part of the New York lifestyle. I spent my days in central park catching up on the latest Harry Potter novel and frequently visited the many sites around the city. One evening I was walking with a friend through the streets of Little Italy when I got a phone call from back home. It was from a concern friend who had seen my coworker parked in the restaurant parking lot having sex with another guy. I immediately called the coworker and engaged in a horrific fight. I think I started out on the lines of “You stupid, lying mother fucker! And you fucking supposedly say you love me! That‘s fucking bullshit!!” I ended up hanging up the phone before he even had a chance to explain and I quickly threw myself back into the lights of Little Italy trying to forget the coworker altogether.
Returning home and back to work, I found myself witnessing the coworker’s conniving and desperate attempt to win public opinion with our mutual friends. He insisted that I was being dramatic and had called and started a huge fight for nothing. He insisted that he was free to see anybody he wanted too because we were not a couple. (Officially, he would be correct in this.) He also insisted that there had been nothing serious going on between us for weeks and so forth and so forth. (Let’s just ignore the fact that he said he loved me two weeks before my trip… and yes I would seriously like to delete this from my memory) Granted, I had called him in a dramatic fashion from Little Italy and I resented the way I had acted on the phone shortly after I made the call. I don’t like being treated with disrespect and I always strive not be disrespectful to others. I had allowed myself to get caught up in his typical demeanor and I would never allow myself to do it again. It isn’t the type of person I am nor is it what I inspire to be. The coworker had a tendency to bring out the worst in me and I gave him one last victory when I called freaking out on him.
I didn’t worry about what he had to say about me in the weeks after my trip from New York because I felt that most of our friends knew that his statements were simply not making any sense. I had given the coworker an entire year and I wasn’t about to waste another year dealing with his ups and downs and our on again, off again relationship. I was prepared to move on without him and this time I would move forward and I would do this without any tears. He was fired from the restaurant a short time later after being accused of sexually harassing female employees even though from his perspective I supposed he quit to find better things. The last thing I heard about him was that he had relocated and had started a new life living with his boyfriend.
Was my coworker a bad person? Looking back all these years later, I don’t believe he was. He had a lot of problems and issues that he was dealing with and the added pressures of fatherhood and discovering the fact that your gay can be to much to bare sometimes. From my perspective, I think he strived to mean well but faltered on several occasions during our time together. We are all human however, and faltering is to be expected. I always say that I don’t regret anything in my life and I have stuck by that rule since I was a teenager. Yes, I clearly see now that there were decisions that could have been made on my part that would have prevented this entire fiasco but without stories like this one, I would not be the person I am today. I grew from this and I’m grateful of the time I spent with my coworker. Whatever he is doing today, I do wish him the best and I hope that our experience together taught him something as it taught me. That poisoned apple has long since decayed and I hope that the beautiful girl, the coworker, and myself have grown out of that decay with the guidance of our experience and the wisdom of our mistakes.

THE DECEIVER’S APPLE: PART TWO

A month had gone by since the revelation that my coworker was engaged with a baby on the way and we had barely spoken to each other since the discovery. I usually ignored him while I was at work and the attempted phone calls and text messages from him had completely stopped about a week after the revelation. The beautiful girl had quit the job at the restaurant due to some complications involving her pregnancy and I would only see her occasionally when she was in town with family. She still didn’t know about my affair with her fiancé for I had chosen to keep mum on the topic and let them be. I was content to move forward from the circumstances and I tried not to think about the events that transpired between the coworker and I. Something began to change around Halloween of that year.
I overheard the coworker talking to other employees that his relationship with the beautiful girl was coming to an end. They had been constantly fighting and he was tired of trying to make it work. He wanted to be a supportive father but he no longer wanted to be in a relationship. We both made eye contact after he made these comments which basically confirmed to him that I had heard what he was saying as if he was directing the entire conversation to me. It was shortly after these comments that we occasionally started talking again. I still hadn’t forgiven him for lying to me but I was willing to be friendly towards him and not make the situation any more awkward for us then it already was.
Shortly before Christmas we found ourselves connected with each other and just getting along great. My coworker had completely broken up with his fiancé and things seemed to be getting back to the way they were before everything had came out to the open. I found myself being completely relaxed around him and I began opening up more when I was with him. We had a really great conversation a couple of days before Christmas and we found ourselves eventually embracing each other and kissing. I had put aside the anger and humiliation that I felt and I was ready to trust him again.
That January, I began moving into a new townhouse and my coworker came over to help me unpack and get things settled. We started goofing around and wrestling with each other and I finally allowed all the sexual tension between us to explode. As he was taking a box upstairs I grabbed him from behind and began kissing him. The scent of his neck sent me into a state of euphoria and I became lost in my lust for him. I fucked him right there on the staircase fast and hard. It was nothing more than raw lust and I succumbed to it without hesitation. Our sexual relationship was back in full force.
Over the course of the next several weeks we lived out several sexual fantasies. Practicing some minor S&M as our sex became more violent. Pulling hair, slapping, and hitting each other was becoming more practical as we lost ourselves in these lustful acts. One particular night, my coworker attacked me as I was walking to my car after work and he “kidnapped” me. He took us out to an empty field were he forced himself on me in a drainage ditch and then the hood of his car. When I got home that night I had a bruise on the side of my face and dried blood had stained my jeans where I had apparently cut myself on both knees. My jeans had been torn and I lost myself staring into the mirror with blank eyes and ruffled hair. I was feeling a little out of control and I was worried that I was latching onto these acts without any discipline on my part.
February quickly arrived with a disturbing text from the coworker that simply said, “omg… she knows.” I didn’t understand the meaning of the text and I didn’t have time to reply when I heard a knock at the door. I went upstairs to see who it was and when I opened the door I saw the coworkers’ sister; and standing next to her was the beautiful girl that he had been engaged too. My heart began to pound as she calmly asked if she could come in and talk to me. I was beginning to put the pieces of the puzzling text message together as I allowed them both in without saying a word. The only thing I could concentrate on was the sound of my heartbeat. Something was wrong and I was going to be punished for it.
“Chad, I need to ask you something and I need you to be honest with me because it seems that nobody else can tell me the truth.” The beautiful girl’s eyes were filled with pain and I nodded my head as I prepared for the question that I knew was coming. “Are you sleeping with my fiancé?”
I replied by saying that he had told me that they had separated a few weeks before Christmas and that they were no longer together. Then the second revelation slapped me so hard in the face that I almost lost all balance. The beautiful girl explained that they had indeed separated for a couple of weeks but they had gotten back together before Christmas and they had recently talked about moving back in with each other since the baby’s due date was vastly approaching. The sting of her words devoured any thoughts that were jumping around my head and I began to mumble nonsense as tears began to flow down her eyes. She had gotten her confirmation about our affair without me saying a word. I repeatedly began to tell her that this was something that she should be talking to our coworker about and I didn’t know what to say. Each moment was bleeding into each other and I was becoming more confused and lost in the overwhelming thoughts that were trying to make sense through this ever growing headache.
Suddenly, caught by surprise, my coworker burst into the room and he and the beautiful girl began screaming at each other! He denied that he was gay and that anything was going on between us as I quietly sat there trying to make sense of the situation. I tried to focus on folding laundry that I had been working on before the knock on the door but I couldn’t focus on anything. I heard crying and I kept hearing a woman’s voice screaming “How could you do this to me and our baby!” I was unable to fully register what was going on in the room around me. I heard the coworker yell at the beautiful girl that they were leaving and I saw all three individuals heading up the stairs to the front door. The coworker quickly turned around and whispered to me that he was so sorry that this happened and the only thing I could do was to simply nod my head.
The door behind them quickly shut and I was left alone in the silence of my apartment. I don’t know how much time had past before I started to cry but the thoughts just erupted from my mind in the form of tears. How could I have been so damn foolish? How could I have been so damn naïve? The same thoughts began to plague me again, like they had plagued me in the moment of the original revelation. The coworker’s apple was poisoned with lies and I was sitting there alone in my chair; allowing stupidity to embrace my lonely heart.

THE DECEIVER’S APPLE: PART ONE

I had just started working at a fast food restaurant where I met my very charismatic coworker. I was out in the lobby, mopping the floor on my first night, when I glanced up and saw him staring at me from the other side of the front counter. Smiling, he looked away to focus on his own task while a whirlwind of jittery thoughts began to circle in my head.
My relationship with a circus clown had ended just a couple of months before and this was the first time I realized any other individual taking an interest in me since that turbulent relationship had ended. The glow in this individual’s eyes immediately had me drawn to him and I flirted with the possibility that perhaps I was ready to begin another relationship. Heck, it took the circus clown a mere two days to capture his next victim; I figured two months was more than enough time to get over that disaster and start again. I smiled to myself wondering if I should attempt to be flirtatious and see what would come of it.
My thought process was quickly interrupted however, when the coworker had quietly come around the counter and greeted me. I jumped, for I hadn’t noticed any of his movements and I realized I had not been paying much attention to the environment around me and instead just swimming in the daydreams of my head. “Hey, I didn’t mean to scare you,” the coworker laughed as I attempted to gain control of myself from the embarrassment of being caught off guard. “I was wondering if I could ask you a personal question?”
I’m really never sure on how I feel when someone comes up to me, wanting to ask a personal question. The topic could always range from something that is very trivial and mundane to something that is more intimate and overwhelming. Desperately not wanting to be drawn into his dark eyes I simply replied, “sure”, and continued to focus my attention on mopping the floor.
“Well, I heard that you were bisexual and I was wondering how you knew that?” I looked up to him again and simply smiled. It was at this moment that I knew that he was rather debating the topic of who he was in his head. “Well,” I started trying to find the right words. “It’s just I usually find myself attracted to certain individuals. I think I’m mostly attracted to guys but there are girls that I’m very attracted too as well. To me, it’s not about anyone having a dick or anything like that. It’s more of who the person is on the inside and how they appeal to me. That usually overrides their sex and everything else, pretty much flows from there.”
“I think I could be at least bisexual…” was his dynamic response. “Perhaps we can hang out sometime?” I politely told him that would be awesome and we went back to doing our jobs as we closed the restaurant for the night.
A week later, we were in his car, parked in the restaurant parking lot making out. We had just closed the restaurant again and we were covered by the shadows of the night. “I have to get going, do you think you can get me off in the next five minutes?” I looked up at him with a devious smirk, “I can get you off in four minutes.” was my reply. Four minutes later he had cum and the make out session had ended as quickly as it had begun. I climbed out of his car and got into mine and he drove home as did I. This nightly rendezvous continued over the next six weeks as we enjoyed each other in very brief moments. The sexual tension between us at work was becoming very overwhelming and we tended to ignore each other while we were on the clock. If anything, this kept us from lunging at each other. We even tried to pretend that we didn’t like each other by giving each other dirty looks at work. Most people thought this to be true at the time. I was never able to go to his home and stay the night with him because he had told me he was living with his mom and grandmother and they didn’t know about his sexuality. This was a situation that I totally understood and I didn’t want to interfere in any family matters.
Meanwhile, I began making more friends at the restaurant and I began to feel more like myself again after walking the tight rope with the circus clown for so long. One particular day, I was chatting with a girl with beautiful eyes. We had worked several shifts together and we always joked around with one another. She was a lovely girl, very spirited, but shy and her smile gave a kind of angelic glow to her face. She was taking orders in drive thru one day and I saw her massaging her stomach area. The expression on her face seemed to be that she was a little in distressed. I approached her and asked her if she was doing okay and she replied that she was fine and that the baby was just acting up today.
“BABY! Your Pregnant?” I said in astonishment! She laughed at my reaction and said she thought I knew that already. I hadn’t known at all that she was pregnant and I felt both stupid and naïve at the notion that she assumed that I had known. I was a little sideswiped by the fact that I hadn’t picked up on it before but I couldn‘t recall her or anybody else talking about the impending birth of her child . I always considered myself a pretty good indicator of what was going on around me and I was a bit surprised that I had known this beautiful girl for over a month and I just didn’t see it. I didn’t even realize that she had been seeing anyone and was surprised that she hadn’t mentioned it before. Of course at the same time, I think I was purposely avoiding any topic to do with dating and relationships because of my secret relationship with my fellow coworker. Why though, had I been so blind to what was going on in this girl’s life. I would see her several times a week and had no clue?
“I can’t believe I didn’t know that! Wow! That’s amazing! Congratulations!” I asked, “Who’s the father?” desperately wanting to know this entire other side of her life that had been unseen to me for the past several weeks. All she could do was laugh again as she innocently looked over to my fellow coworker and said, “My fiancé is the father, it’s our second child silly!”
I followed her glance over to my coworker and saw his eyes turn away in complete retreat as I realized that the entire past six weeks of our relationship had been a complete lie. My coworker had been living a double life and he had manipulated me into being his dirty little secret. I wanted to vomit… I was so disgusted with the situation, all I wanted to do was vomit. I attempted my best smile and told the beautiful girl that I had to go and clock in, which I did. I worked an entire eight hour shift feeling completely numb and void of all emotions. I avoided the beautiful girl and the coworker and pretty much kept to myself. I left work that day feeling nothing.
When I got home I retreated to my bedroom and I started to cry. The tears just kept coming and I was unable to control my sobs. How could I have been so foolish? How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so naïve? These emotions were so overwhelming and I blacked out in my bedroom letting the darkness take control of my mind. My consciences was screaming out stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, and then the void of darkness. This could have been the end of this story if I would have chosen a different path, a more moral obligated path, but I had taken a bite out of the deceiving coworker’s apple and I longed to taste it again. If only I had known how much more complicated this situation was going to become.

BOYS AND THEIR TOYS

Okay… I am sickened at the moment at the prospect of ever being with another individual. I can feel the nausea trying to escape the confines of my throat every time I imagine having someone laying next to me in my own bed. It’s not just the fact that I enjoy having my bed to myself. It’s not the fact that I enjoy my freedom without the obligation that I have to check in with someone or compromise the schedule my life’s events around another person. It’s the simple fact that the male species has totally forgotten the meaning of monogamy. Seriously! I look around me and I see guy after guy fucking around on their partners and it’s all just fun and games for them. I seriously wonder… Do they even know what the duties of love include?
I had sex with a guy in a cornfield two months ago. Pathetic! Isn’t it? A fucking cornfield, on the outskirts of town, under a harvest moon. We were out driving around late at night and we pulled over on the side of the road and I took him. I pulled him to me and started to kiss him as we wondered into the cornfield. Literally two minutes into us having sex and when I say two minutes, I’m totally not joking… he politely asked me in his soft, gentle voice if I would hurry up and cum because he had to get home to his boyfriend. I started laughing hysterically at him! I seriously could not stop laughing and I can tell you for a fact that I didn’t cum. I drove him back to his car and that was the end of it. A wasted condom on a wasted night and I wasn’t even wasted! This was the last of a serious of encounters that I have found myself in time and time again. Guy after guy have come into my life and they all seem to have partners. They give me pathetic excuses on why it’s not working out and they need to find someone that they can really connect with. Better yet, they don’t even tell me that they have a partner or that they are perhaps… oh… let’s say engaged to a woman with a child on the way. This seriously did happened to me... Oh the blindness of my mind’s eye! So now, I’m at the point where I no longer allow myself to be with someone without knowing for sure that they are NOT with someone else. I am no longer the guy on the side and I refuse to be treated as such.
So now, I look around at my friends who are in relationships and I wonder how they make it work. Except when I really get down to it, so many of them have faltered in their relationships. I have one friend that might have a sexual addiction issue. I know for a fact that he loves his boyfriend and he adores his life with him but he is constantly cheating on him and I think he might even be addicted to sexual encounters on his web cam. Yet another form of cheating? Another friend, goes on and on about how much he loves his partner and that he would do anything for him… He compares this little love story to the likes of Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler… the problem being that “Gone With the Wind” is only a story and so is his relationship. The only person he seems to be fooling, his himself and his naïve boy! He will get into a random argument with his boyfriend and break up for a night. During that short period he goes out to find someone to have sex with. Hell, he’s even given me road head in my car on some of these particular nights and I’ve been a pathetic loser allowing him to do this, even when I know for a fact that he’s going to end right back up with his Scarlett O’Hara delusion. So I look to yet another friend and find him getting blow jobs on the side because that’s not considered sex and he constantly states that he had never cheated on his man because sex is sexual intercourse only! Again, I laugh to myself at this person’s bending of reality. I don’t judge my friends on their faults for they are all good people and I have said countless times before that we are all shades of grey. They prosper and give light in many areas of their lives and their overhaul character is what is important to me. I also realize that I have been in places in my own life where I might have been in very similar situations and I have embraced my faltering moments as my own.
What really began as the first crack of my shattered faith in monogamy really lied in the foundation of my parent’s relationship. We are raised in a unrealistic world where are parents are supposed to love each other and that their love brings forth their children. I think I was around twelve years old when I realized that this was bullshit. I came home early one day and went into my parent’s bedroom to talk to my adoptive father, only to find him in bed with our neighbor. I was devastated over this, and I could honestly state that I was truly heartbroken for the first time. I was pissed that he could betray my mother and I hated him so much for doing what he did to her. I think I hated him even more, because he was the one that allowed me to see this side of human nature. It’s always a sad day in every child’s life when they realize that their parents are human too and they must also abide by the rules of human nature and consequences. I left the apartment crying that day for my mother, for him, and for myself. Those fucking illusions of childhood… oh how I loath them!
I think what is most disgusting about this whole monogamy thing is how much I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship that was honest and true. I don’t think I’ve found one yet! I don’t know if I even expect to find one because I might be that asshole that cheats on his partner. I would like to think of myself as the kind of guy that wouldn’t do something like that. When I look back over my relationships though I see that many times I’m the “other guy”. Two days into a four year relationship I gave a blowjob to my roommate while my boyfriend was in the other room. What kind of guy does this? It’s fucking ridiculous and it’s shameful on all counts! I look in the mirror and the only person I see is me. I use to believe in romance and I use to believe in being true to your partner and at some point along the way I lost faith in these things. Is it because I lost respect for myself? Is it because all I see in the lives of so many, is the disregard of companionship, respect, and honesty?
I’m still not sure if monogamy exist in the male species. If it does, I’m currently blind to it or it’s very few and far between. I’m not able to tell you either way because all I do see is the disrespect of others and the lack of respect for ourselves. I will however say this, I deserve to be respected by any future partner and by all people that I encounter in my life. More importantly, I deserve to respect myself and not allow the faltering ideology of aimless sexual encounters that don’t build into more intimate relations. I’m going to try my hardest to be true to myself, to be an example to my friends which means respecting them enough not to be the “other guy” in their relationships. I totally accept the fact that I might not ever be in another relationship again and I expect even less a monogamist type relationship, but I will say, I will devout myself to being true to any person that I decide to join in companionship. However, being in a relationship is something that I’m not looking for and it’s not something that is important to me…. What is important to me is, that at the end of my life, people will be able to say that I eventually found the ability to stand up to love and respect myself and others, and those people will know it to be true.

AN EULOGY FOR DAVID

I open a book and turn to the chapter on David Ray Farmer. David was a son, he was a brother, he was an uncle, and he was a father. He was both simple and difficult, both hopeful and realistic, and both strange and normal.

I think our relationship was at it’s best when we argued. We could argue for hours over the most stupid things, such as grape kool-aide being better than red kool-aide. I remember a particular time last fall when Craig was in the hospital. Dad had to leave to go to work and he told everyone in the room bye, except for me. As he walked out of the room, I remember glaring at his back. Whenever I was mad at Dad, he could tell, because I would always call him David. So when he came back to the hospital the next day and greeted me, I said “Hello David.” as dry as I could. His response to this was “What did I do?” So he would suck up to me until I called him dad, (which I would finally say by accident most of the time.) There were so many layers to our relationship. I think when you peeled off each layer and get down to the core of our relationship, there was the simple fact that I loved him and he loved me.

Alcoholism and drug addiction is a disease that controls the mind, body, and soul. It breaks you, it tears you down, and it simply destroys you. It takes everything you have, leaving you with nothing. Not only does alcoholism and drug addiction destroy you as a person, but it attacks your family and the people you love. It buries itself into the foundation of your spirit, tearing down the walls of the family unit. Not only has it plagued this family but others as well.

Every now and then however, a person is able to overcome the power of alcoholism and drug addiction. To do so, requires much determination, desire, strength, and endurance. After twenty years of being a victim of the disease, Dad had found the knowledge to overcome it. Eight months ago, the determination, desire, strength, and endurance all came together in Dad and he beat alcoholism and drug addiction. It was the most defining moment of his life. His battle however was only the beginning, withdraws plagued him daily causing migraine headaches. He had to take each day as it came, one at a time.

I’m going to remember him most by this. This past year gave him another chance, he gave himself another chance, and his children gave him another chance. The one lesson that Mandy, Cory, Craig, and I will take from this is to always strive for our goals, and no matter how difficult the circumstances, they can always be accomplished. So now we close the chapter on David Farmer and we move on to the next. We all begin this new chapter in our lives knowing that his shadow will follow us.

PESSIMISTIC EFFICIENCY

Oh, how the misdeeds of our sins define us too.

Can the failure of my expectation result in my mean agitation?
Can my fear of hallucination break this inclination?
Is this some kind of proclamation of my lack of masturbation?
Or some kind of concentration of this recurring situation?
Do I fall into intoxication of my underestimation?
Or do I aim for medication to treat my mindful condition?

Unworthiness is the plague that has him bind
So he comes to me and pleads to me why
Because I know what’s it’s like to fear my own mind
So we fall together to scream and cry.

Can my failure of agitation be my only expectation?
Is this fear of inclination be my own hallucination?
Is my lack of masturbation on own proclamation?
Is this recurring situation my only concentration?
Is this underestimation be my only intoxication?
Is my mindful condition my want for medication?

Unworthiness is the plague that has him bind
So he comes to me and pleads to me why
Because I know what’s it’s like to fear my own mind
So we fall together to scream and cry

Oh, how the misdeeds of our sins define us too.

THE MARRIAGE OF BUTTERFLIES

I was in a dream-like state as I took an afternoon walk around a nearby lake. This one day in particular, I was taking everything in around me which was overwhelming all of my senses. This very routine walk that I take several times a week was giving me a sense of true euphoria. I felt that I should be in high celebration of life and God. Everything around me had some kind of glow and texture that I was relishing in with my whole heart and soul. I was completely fascinated on the amount of butterflies that were flying around me in what appeared to be a musical dance celebrating an unknown union. There were literally hundreds of butterflies flying around me that included Monarch, huge blue wings, small yellow ones and even some with a touch of purple. They were majestic in their dance that floated through the wildflowers and the air around me.
On the shores of the lake I decided to take a break, and walked out on a small dock where I took a seat on an old wooden bench. I listened to the water splash up against the shore and I closed my eyes embracing the breeze that was slightly blowing against my skin. The worries of my mind had lifted as I was wrapped in a blanket of peace and calm. This was one of the few moments that I felt totally and completely connected to nature and I hadn’t a care or burden in the world that could hold me down. I could feel myself smiling.
I heard laughter coming from my left and I turned my head and opened my eyes to see a young couple posing on the shoreline in front of a camera woman. I watched them tentatively as they moved into a new pose every few minutes laughing and talking between each frozen moment in time. I assumed that they were having engagement photos done since the young man was in his military dress uniform and his girl was complimented by her pearl white, sun dress. I laughed to myself in celebration because I could feel their happiness with each other from even where I sat on the dock. I turned back towards the lake and immediately lost myself in the sounds of the waves and the sight of the butterflies.
A little while later, I heard a voice from behind say, “Could we interrupt you for a moment sir?” I turned around to see the young man in his military dress uniform and I immediately recognized him as an friend.
“Chad, I didn’t realize it was you. How are you?” was the words that came from him when I turned around to face the young soldier.
“I’m doing fantastic actually.” I smiled to myself, “Are you having engagement photos done?” He replied by telling me that he and his bride were actually married that very morning and they wanted to have some photos of themselves out here at the lake. They had decided to elope early for the young soldier had just been called to war and they wanted to spend this time together before he is shipped off to the other side of the world in just a few short weeks.
“We were actually wondering if we could have some pictures taken here on the dock?” The soldier looked back at his new bride and I relented the dock to them with honor. I watched them as they held each other for each new photo, giggling and laughing with delight and happiness. A warm, loving feeling was settling in my chest as I watched their small photo shoot a few feet away from the dock.
After the camera woman got what she wanted from them, the young couple came up to me to thank me for interrupting me and letting them use the dock for their very special time. I wished them both happiness and prosperity in their marriage and gave the soldier my heart felt, best of luck on his service to our country. We shook hands and the young couple walked away into their future together. I returned to the old bench on the dock and thought about the couple. I thought about how our grandparents and how many of them had done the exact same thing in the days leading up to World War 2 and I thought about the butterflies dancing around me. I was right in knowing that the butterflies were celebrating a union of marriage.
As I walked away from the lake that day with the butterflies in tow, I said a little prayer to God. I asked Him to bless the union of the young soldier’s marriage and to keep him safe from harm and to bring him home to a life he deserved. Tears began to roll down from my eyes, not because of sadness that war was looming beyond these intimate moments that surrounded the couple, but because I saw hope and God in everything that surrounded them on this very special day.

EIGHT LITTLE CAKES

Eight little cakes sitting there in a row,
Oh how we cherish these cakes as we eat them slow.
These cakes are the poison that keeps us high,
A gift by our father that was simply a lie.

Eight little cakes that will keep our souls whole,
Oh how we wished we knew what these cakes would in toll.
A lifetime of doubt, frustration and pain,
The boys in the mirror looks back to us in shame.

Eight little cakes that remind us of hell,
Oh how we dream to be ringing freedom’s big bell.
In boyhood we ate pleasurable things,
Leading to men that cope with what addiction brings.

Eight little cakes swallowed by trusting toys,
Oh how you have been responsible for us boys.
And now your gone, but your shadow remains,
We wonder, will we ever get out of our shame?

Eight little cakes sitting there in a row.
The gifts of our father that poisoned his boys slow.

THE REMAINS OF THE DAY

Months had passed since my last encounter with the White Horse which had left me simply exhausted with the lack of direction in my life. He had been another piece of the domino effect that I had allowed to crash into the compounds of my mind. I didn’t want the same cycle to begin again when he started to send text messages to my phone out of the blue. It was a typical White Horse maneuver, he would vanish and then reappear without warning and without hesitation.
I felt like I was finally at a place where I could avoid allowing myself to fall into his trap of manipulated charisma. He had the profound ability to draw people to him without resistance which I concluded makes this White Horse the perfect predator. When the text messages started to come, I was prepared to finally tell him no; an ability that I had previously lacked in my several previous rendezvous with him.
“I want your cock.” was the simple statement that was sent from his phone that started the conversation between us. The typical mind frame of the White Horse after his need to worship Queen Tina was nothing more than satisfying his sexual hunger. “I want your cock, I want you to give it to me now.” I rolled my eyes at the sudden request from the creature and thought for a few minutes on how I should handle his latest intrusion into my life.
I didn’t want to run away from him. I had been running from issues that I had been faced with over the past year and I didn’t want to continue on that path. I felt that I was willing to continue being a friend to him as long as I was in a controlled environment. It was entirely up to me to keep control over my emotions and my urge to jump into situations without looking.
I replied to him by texting, “Oh do you? That’s nice.” I thought it would buy me a few more minutes to think about the direction I wanted to go with this.
“I need a COCKtail now and I need you to give it to me.” A few moments later, his next message came ringing to my phone. “Cum see me now so I can have that COCKtail.” Why I hadn’t realized months before that I was only a simple boy on the side to him and that love didn’t play any part in our so-called relationship still frustrates me. We are always so willing to blind ourselves to those dark things that we fear to see. It’s that ignorance that claims our souls to the darkness and we are pulled away from the arms of grace.
“I’m actually spending the weekend at the lake with some buddies,” was the reply that I came up with on the top of my head. I was actually taking a walk out at a lake near my house when the text messages started, so it wasn’t that far from the truth. The clouds above were casting shades of grey across the water but it was still a beautiful day and it was in that realization that I knew I was completely in control of myself and my emotions.
“What do I do then? I want you now!” was the next message sent by the White Horse. This was the beginning of his attempt to persuade me to change my mind after he would practically beg me to throw aside everything that is going on with myself and serve him. The moment I read this message, I could feel a hint of anger sparkle inside of me. It wasn’t my responsibility to tell him how to satisfy his addiction and I hated how he had just made me feel like I had just became a burden on his prescheduled weekend.
I would not allow him to gain control of the conversation or to drag the conversation out until he finally got what he wanted out of me. So I did what I do best, I simply replied with my sarcasm, “Why don’t you call our friend, the art student, pop him eight blue pills and get what you want out of him.” I had recently found out a few months before that the White Horse was also sleeping around with my friend, The Art Student and shortly thereafter I had separated myself from both of them. I didn’t want to be put in a position where the White Horse played us against each other and I felt that the friendship between the art student and I had been decaying for months at this point anyway due to our growing differences that were coming from both of our sides.
“Great Idea!” was the only reply I got from the White Horse and once again he vanished just as suddenly as his interruption into my life had begun. I don’t know if he intended to hurt me with his last comment or not, but I found myself, for the first time, not caring. I had grown beyond him and I now knew that I didn’t need him or anyone else for that matter to make me happy. Happiness comes to us by our own choosing and our own ability to allow goodness and light into our souls.
In the perception of my mind, the White Horse was no longer a majestic stallion but rather a weak, shaken pony; stumbling aimlessly through his own wilderness; lost to the shadows of materialism, drugs, and sexual addictions. I wondered if this creature would ever find his way back to the hands of grace. I wondered how he lost his own way and I thought about how I became lost on my own journey. I wondered how similar our stories are to each other and I finally wondered how each of our stories would end.