BOYS AND THEIR TOYS

Okay… I am sickened at the moment at the prospect of ever being with another individual. I can feel the nausea trying to escape the confines of my throat every time I imagine having someone laying next to me in my own bed. It’s not just the fact that I enjoy having my bed to myself. It’s not the fact that I enjoy my freedom without the obligation that I have to check in with someone or compromise the schedule my life’s events around another person. It’s the simple fact that the male species has totally forgotten the meaning of monogamy. Seriously! I look around me and I see guy after guy fucking around on their partners and it’s all just fun and games for them. I seriously wonder… Do they even know what the duties of love include?
I had sex with a guy in a cornfield two months ago. Pathetic! Isn’t it? A fucking cornfield, on the outskirts of town, under a harvest moon. We were out driving around late at night and we pulled over on the side of the road and I took him. I pulled him to me and started to kiss him as we wondered into the cornfield. Literally two minutes into us having sex and when I say two minutes, I’m totally not joking… he politely asked me in his soft, gentle voice if I would hurry up and cum because he had to get home to his boyfriend. I started laughing hysterically at him! I seriously could not stop laughing and I can tell you for a fact that I didn’t cum. I drove him back to his car and that was the end of it. A wasted condom on a wasted night and I wasn’t even wasted! This was the last of a serious of encounters that I have found myself in time and time again. Guy after guy have come into my life and they all seem to have partners. They give me pathetic excuses on why it’s not working out and they need to find someone that they can really connect with. Better yet, they don’t even tell me that they have a partner or that they are perhaps… oh… let’s say engaged to a woman with a child on the way. This seriously did happened to me... Oh the blindness of my mind’s eye! So now, I’m at the point where I no longer allow myself to be with someone without knowing for sure that they are NOT with someone else. I am no longer the guy on the side and I refuse to be treated as such.
So now, I look around at my friends who are in relationships and I wonder how they make it work. Except when I really get down to it, so many of them have faltered in their relationships. I have one friend that might have a sexual addiction issue. I know for a fact that he loves his boyfriend and he adores his life with him but he is constantly cheating on him and I think he might even be addicted to sexual encounters on his web cam. Yet another form of cheating? Another friend, goes on and on about how much he loves his partner and that he would do anything for him… He compares this little love story to the likes of Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler… the problem being that “Gone With the Wind” is only a story and so is his relationship. The only person he seems to be fooling, his himself and his naïve boy! He will get into a random argument with his boyfriend and break up for a night. During that short period he goes out to find someone to have sex with. Hell, he’s even given me road head in my car on some of these particular nights and I’ve been a pathetic loser allowing him to do this, even when I know for a fact that he’s going to end right back up with his Scarlett O’Hara delusion. So I look to yet another friend and find him getting blow jobs on the side because that’s not considered sex and he constantly states that he had never cheated on his man because sex is sexual intercourse only! Again, I laugh to myself at this person’s bending of reality. I don’t judge my friends on their faults for they are all good people and I have said countless times before that we are all shades of grey. They prosper and give light in many areas of their lives and their overhaul character is what is important to me. I also realize that I have been in places in my own life where I might have been in very similar situations and I have embraced my faltering moments as my own.
What really began as the first crack of my shattered faith in monogamy really lied in the foundation of my parent’s relationship. We are raised in a unrealistic world where are parents are supposed to love each other and that their love brings forth their children. I think I was around twelve years old when I realized that this was bullshit. I came home early one day and went into my parent’s bedroom to talk to my adoptive father, only to find him in bed with our neighbor. I was devastated over this, and I could honestly state that I was truly heartbroken for the first time. I was pissed that he could betray my mother and I hated him so much for doing what he did to her. I think I hated him even more, because he was the one that allowed me to see this side of human nature. It’s always a sad day in every child’s life when they realize that their parents are human too and they must also abide by the rules of human nature and consequences. I left the apartment crying that day for my mother, for him, and for myself. Those fucking illusions of childhood… oh how I loath them!
I think what is most disgusting about this whole monogamy thing is how much I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship that was honest and true. I don’t think I’ve found one yet! I don’t know if I even expect to find one because I might be that asshole that cheats on his partner. I would like to think of myself as the kind of guy that wouldn’t do something like that. When I look back over my relationships though I see that many times I’m the “other guy”. Two days into a four year relationship I gave a blowjob to my roommate while my boyfriend was in the other room. What kind of guy does this? It’s fucking ridiculous and it’s shameful on all counts! I look in the mirror and the only person I see is me. I use to believe in romance and I use to believe in being true to your partner and at some point along the way I lost faith in these things. Is it because I lost respect for myself? Is it because all I see in the lives of so many, is the disregard of companionship, respect, and honesty?
I’m still not sure if monogamy exist in the male species. If it does, I’m currently blind to it or it’s very few and far between. I’m not able to tell you either way because all I do see is the disrespect of others and the lack of respect for ourselves. I will however say this, I deserve to be respected by any future partner and by all people that I encounter in my life. More importantly, I deserve to respect myself and not allow the faltering ideology of aimless sexual encounters that don’t build into more intimate relations. I’m going to try my hardest to be true to myself, to be an example to my friends which means respecting them enough not to be the “other guy” in their relationships. I totally accept the fact that I might not ever be in another relationship again and I expect even less a monogamist type relationship, but I will say, I will devout myself to being true to any person that I decide to join in companionship. However, being in a relationship is something that I’m not looking for and it’s not something that is important to me…. What is important to me is, that at the end of my life, people will be able to say that I eventually found the ability to stand up to love and respect myself and others, and those people will know it to be true.